Update

Just thought I'd drop in and say Hi. Yes I am still around just very busy at the moment.

Exbf's mother made a surprise visit last weekend and took some of his stuff.

Will catch up and post more when the financial year ends on 30/6/06.

Carlton

Update

Just a quick up date to let you all know that I am alright. I've been a bit unwell and motivation has been low. Yes I have been busy at work but also slack in updating my blog. I really couldn't be bother to do it last week.
Lost 200 grams last week due to my slackness.
Went shopping on Sunday and Monday morning and spend $1200. I got the following:-

2 black jackets for work.
2 brown jackets for work.
1 blue suit.
9 new shirts for work.
1 pair of black shoes.
1 pair of brown shoes.
6 pairs of tights (black, navy and brown).
5 pairs of socks (brown, tan and white).
1 pair of brown jeans
4 casual tops (black, blue, purple and brown).

You have to love the sale season. Myers and 1628 loved my business over the week. I only paid full price for 1 Brown Jacket and 2 shirts, everything else was on sale. Brown is starting to take over my wardrobe and replacing my love of blue.

I decided it was time to update my wardrobe, especially for work and the retail therapy was about all the exercise I did on the weekend.

I did go through my wardrobe including shoes, and donated 2 big black plastic bags of clothes and 1 big black plastic bag of shoes to St Vincies. My good deed for the weekend.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Weigh in Day

Weigh in day was yesterday and weighted in 95.7 kilos which is a loss of 1.2 kilos.

Which is a great result.

So far I've lost nearly 21 kilos in 18 months, and whilst it is really slow rate, I feel it is still good considering what stuff I've had to face during this time. I'm happy that I am still plodding along and haven't given up. I can do this and I will do this for me.

Exbf comes home in about 6 weeks so I've got just under 6 kilos to lose before he comes home to reach my goal. Exbf weighs in at 89 kilos (6 foot 3) and I'd love to weigh less than him when he comes home. I have six weeks to be very focused and exercise every day. It can be done.

I can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Listening to the Think Slim cd's is going really well. At the moment I'm listening to the 9th CD which helps to cover come cravings, sleeping deeper and better etc.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice

Exercise Day

Felt a little better today. After a phone call with my local gp doubled by medication, he has said to see how I go and take one tablet in the morning and if I need another one take it at lunchtime. Today I took both of them.
Today was also an exercise day. I walked to work and managed to walk it in 30 mins. I was very amazed as I have never walked that quickly to work ever before. At lunchtime I went to the gym and did 20 mins on the x-trainer and 10 mins on the treadmill. I also walked home and walked fast again and walked it in 30 mins.

Don't have much else to say today.

I do feel a bit of a piggy after eating lots and lots of ice cream last night.

Decided to add both pictures as it shows the extremes I'm feeling at the moment.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and am still finding it difficult to give myself compliments today:-

1. Exercised 3 times today for 30 mins each.
2. Increased fitness levels.
3. stuck to my eating plan - which is good as I ate lots of ice cream last night when I was in a black hole.
4. ????????????????
5. ????????????????

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice

Feeling very loney tonight

Feeling very loney and low tonight.

I so miss my mum and would love to chat to her about what's going on in my life. All I want to do is cry, cry and cry some more. Not really sure what's caused this tonight. I so want a cuddle and some understanding.

I hate being so unstable and emotional.

I thought I'd post this because I thought it might make me feel better, but it doesn't. Feel just as low before I started and don't really feel like I have done anything good today.

Still have to finish backing exbf's stuff and am determined to finish that tomorrow night. I will have a early night today due to being up till 1.30 a.m last night due to watching the F1 Gand Prix.

Carlton

Was Having a Great Day Until....................

A few days ago I send exbf an up to date picture of me so he could see how well I'm going losing my weight.

As the title indicates, I was having a great day until I spoke with exbf today. Our conversation started with how well and healthy I'm looking and how much of glow I've got. He even made the comment I'm looking good in the jeans I had on and that he doesn't see me in jeans all that often. My reply was I don't wear them all that often. In fact they are a little big for me now and I have to pull them up when ever I get up and do something.

Our conversation started out talking about our relationship and planning some of the things we are going to do when he comes home, yes it included some mucking around and close and personal time. What got me mad was not only did he asked me if I was still on the pill & if not was I going to go back on it but he also told me that we don't want to rely on condoms as they can break and he doesn't want to complicate our relationship. It wasn't really what he said it was how he said it. He already knows that I don't want any children and that I would do anything to prevent getting pregant.

Towards the end of the conversation when he realized I wasn't really participating in it he tried to bring me around by offering me compliments on how well I was looking and how proud he was of me. As if that is going to get him out of the shit.

The whole tone of our conversation went down hill from that point and all I wanted to do was to finish it. After speaking to him I realized that this conversation effected me so much that all I wanted to do was eat chocolate. When I went shopping I bought a packet of my favorite chocolate biscuits and then proceed to eat the packet. There are 12 biscuits in the packet and I could only eat 6 of them before I started to feel sick. Needless to say I stopped eating them and put them back in the fridge.

At this stage the exact date exbf will be home is yet to be determined as he needs to finalise a few things, it is now expected to be mid July and not end of July. That means I have only approx 6 weeks to lose 7 kilos. I will be under 90 kilos when he returns home. Time to get very focused. I will walk to work and back every day this week and stick to my exercise plan.

Ok I may have over reacted a little but he hurt me. We've been carrying on for the past few weeks like we did when we first of all got together. We have also been talking about our relationship and about how could start dating again but we would talk about it when he comes home. Plans we have been making also made me assume that's were we are heading towards getting back together in some fashion. Today he also came out and said that he was more comfortable about of relationship now that we were only friends and that any pressure was off him. He is such a bastard in that he wants to have things both ways and at this stage I don't want anything to do with him. He is meant to ring me tomorrow at home and I might just have to go out, otherwise I will be tempted to answer the phone.

My compliments today are.

1. I am happy I stopped at eating at 6 biscuits instead of the whole 12.

2. I am happy I exercised today.

3. I am happy with where I am at the moment.

4. I am happy that I recognized what got me upset. Whilst I couldn't speak to exbf about it, at least I reconsided it to myself.

5. I am happy that I posted here tonight because originally I wasn't going to as I couldn't be bothered.

I am happy that I have gotten all of this out and am no longer carring it around inside of me.

Thanks

Carlton

Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Weigh in Day

Weigh in day just comes around so fast. Today I weighted in at 96.9, which is a loss of 1.6 kilos this week, very excited.

I am beginning to believe that I can do this and that my life has turned around. I am learning so much from CK and have met some lovely people.

I am focused on losing weight at the moment and on my eating, just need to include some exercise on a regular basis. I truly believe that if I can get my head around things I can sort out all of my problems and recover from being clinically depressed. One of the ways I'm doing this is by reading motivational books by people how have won the battle with losing their weight and another is books like I can make you thin. I know what I need to do to lose the weight but my mind is allowing my body to do it. I recently ordered the CD's and workbook on Think Slim. It was a bit expensive but as far as I am concerned well worth it. I so need to reprogram my mind to allow me to lose the weight and to be happy with myself. It may also help me to reduce the therapy sessions that I go to and save me some money (they are $160 per hour). I got the CD's tonight and started reading the work book. I can't wait to listen to the CD's and start reprogramming myself to thinking positively about me and losing weight.

My compliments today are:-

1. I have all of the resources I need to lose weight and I am allowing myself to do so.
2. I believe in myself.
3. I am in charge of my life and results.
4. No one can do this for me and I am doing this for myself.
5. I am in control of my life and no more time for excuses.

A few other quotes I found today are:-

* If you think you can or think you can't you are always right.
* Water flushes away the fat.
* Morning tea means morning TEA and not fatty foods.
* An apple a day is a good start

The Think Slim program actually fits really well into the Sureslim program in which you can't eat pasta, potatoes, and lots of bread. This program also encourages you not to eat between meals, which is also what Sureslim advises you to do (in fact you can't eat for 5 hours between meals).

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Thank God its Friday

What a great week it has turned out to be.
Yes thank god is is Friday. Whilst the week has gone fairly fast, I'm glad it is over. My motivation is gone and I'm so over doing my job.
I also can't wait to weigh in tomorrow and see how I've gone this week. My diet started out pretty crappy this week but has improved dramatically and I've finished off with a bang. Now I just have to concentrate on my exercise and then I will consider myself back on track.

I worked out there is about 8 weeks till exbf comes home and I have about 8 kilos to lose to be under 80 kilos. Bring on this challenge. I am actually beginning to miss him. I so want a warm and loving cuddle and some action. Bascially I want what I can not have and I've told him so. He wants to see me too and has told me to imagine us cuddling. I am so over imagining it, I want the real thing.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But on that note, I'm not interested in dating anyone either.

My compliments day are:-

1. I can lose 8 kilos before exbf comes home.
2. I am very happy with how my week finished.
3. I am so proud of myself that I have turned things around and am back on track.
4. I deserve the best in life and am not going to settle for 2nd best.
5. I am the most important person in my life.


Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.
Think thin and drink more water.

Another Good Day

I had another good day today. Went to the dentist this morning for a check up and got my teeth clean and I don't have to go back again for at least 3-6 months.

When I got to work we had morning tea as the big boss came to see us. This consisted of cakes, sausage rolls, Vietnamese chicken rolls, scones with jam & cream and juice. I was so strong during this I drank my water and chatted to people. There was enough left over than it sat in the office all afternoon. Whilst I wasn't tempted at morning tea, the longer it sat in the office the more tempted I got. Around 4.30 this afternoon I was starving and was so tempted to have a sausage roll. It was to the point that I walked over to them and then stopped. In the end I walked away but decided it was time for me to go home as the longer I was there the more I wanted a sausage roll. Even thought about just eating the meat and not the pastry. In the end I'd said no as I had already planned my meals for the day and I want more than anything else right now to weigh less than exbf when he comes home. Yes more than anything, even us getting back together. This is my driving force at the moment.

Overall whilst I was very tempted today I resisted and had a great day food wise.

I also sat at the table and had dinner again tonight. What a great feeling it is, to sit and concentrate on what your eating and drinking . I also decided that I would drink my water tonight out out of a large red wine glass and that way I didn't feel like missing out on drinking wine.

My compliments today are:-

1. Ya to me for resisting morning tea.
2. Ya to me for taking time out to enjoy my dinner.
3. Ya to me for putting my needs and wants first today.
4. I am happy with my day and resistance.
5. I can see as a 80's girl by 1/8/06 and myself at goal weight within 6 months of being an 80's girl.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.
Think thin and drink more water.

My Day

I don't really have much to say today and have a really sore finger, as I broke a nail yesterday. When I broke the nail, it ripped half of my nail off, so I only have a nail on 1 finger of about 2 mm. Ouch!!!!!!!!!!! It really hurts to type on my finger.

Reason I have used this picture is that I actually sat at the table tonight and ate my dinner, yes it was on a plate and at a place setting with knife and fork. Really enjoyed it. Normally when I'm alone I sit on the lounge and eat from a bowl and don't really taste what I eat. Tonight I enjoyed every bit of it. I also stuck to my eating plan today which was good. I was on a course today and took my own lunch. I didn't eat the lollies, chocolates and biscuits that normally are provided. I am so proud of myself.

Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while will know that exbf comes home at the end of July 2006 and I'd love to flaunt to him all of the weight I've lost since he's been gone. My plan is to get serious and I'd love to lose 10 kilos by then. This will see me thinner than him and really show off how serious I am about losing weight and show him what his missing out on. To do this I need to get serious and not only stick to my eating plan but I need to exercise everyday. Tomorrow I'm going to renew my gym membership (expired a few weeks ago) and go every lunchtime for 30 mins and walk to work and home when I can. Provided the weather is nice I will walk to work and home on Friday. Tomorrow I need to go to the dentist and then have my nails done in the afternoon. I so hope they can fix my sore nail, otherwise I will have to wait till the nail grows back a while (about 1 month's time).

Hoped on the scales today and they were kind to me, that was also good. I'm not going to publish how good you will all have to wait till weigh in day on saturday. Update will probably be again in the evening as I have to drive to Erina to pick my dad up from my aunts.

Exercise still isn't happening as much as I'd like. My excuse is that it is raining in Sydney this week and I don't walk in the rain.

My compliments to day are:-

1. Congratulations to me for sticking to my meal plan today.
2. Congratulations to me for recording everything via CK.
3. Congratulations to me for resisting lollies, chocolate and biscuits today.
4. I did do some exercise today and walked around the City for 20 mins at lunchtime today.
5. I can do anything I set my mind to do.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice
Think thin and drink more water.

Men.

As you all know my life is all over the place at the moment. Very confused about my relationship with now exbf, he wants to be friends but enjoy all the other aspects of a relationship. During the past week he rings me once or twice a day and we talk like friends but also like lovers. Yes we have had phone sex and not just once. As I've said to him it appears he wants his cake and eat it too and I'm not too happy about that. He reckons he doesn't know what he wants which is one reason we split up. I'm not really to move on and date others and I'm not the kind of person to just have sex with someone. The sex we had was very good and I do miss it and just having someone to cuddle with and enjoy their company.

Don't get me wrong I don't have a problem with him ringing me. I love talking to him and would talk to him for hours when given the chance. We have been through so much together during the past 4 years and I can see him in my life as a best mate for ever. I know we both want more than just friends but then again we don't. We don't seem to work as a couple but work as friends. I tell him he wants to be friends with benefits and he laughs at it. I don't mind the benefits bit and would love to be back together but don't want all the stress, lies, deception etc. I think its best to be friends and just friends. This will be hard when I see him.

Having said all that about my exbf, we have a new manager at work (been there about 4 weeks but I know him from another department before) and I found my self checking him out today. Really checking him out, his face, legs, bum, stomach, etc., and more than once as well. He looked so good in the suit he was wearing and I found my self attracted to him . I was also picturing us snuggling and cuddling together and even dating. Can't believe I thought that, let alone just wrote it here. I didn't realize I was thinking this or doing this until I left the office this afternoon to go and see a client and was thinking about him in the car. OMG OMG OMG OMG. It is exciting but scary at the same time. I haven't felt this way about someone or checked out someone like this other than exbf for the past 4 years. Don't think I would ever do anything about this. Sex is just on the mind at the moment and has been for the past few days.

Work don't know that my bf is now my exbf and at the moment its the way I want it.

I so hate driving in Sydney at the moment. So much traffic and slow drivers. No wonder there is so much road rage going on at the moment.

My compliments
1. I stuck to my eating plan today.
2. I am a lovable person.
3. I am a calm person.
4. I deserve to be spoilt and loved.
5. I am heading in the right direction - forward.

thanks for listening to me.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice
Think thin and drink more water.

Weigh in Day

I can't believe it is weigh in day again already. Time is going so fast. I weighed in at 98.5 kilos today which isn't too bad considering its TOM. I've been pretty slack this week and haven't posted since last Tuesday. Main reason for this is I've been pretty flat this week and not feeling right. Not really sure what its all about and haven't been on the next much.
I'm a little all over the place this weekend as well. I'm sure its got to do with exbf should have come home yesterday and it would have been my mum's 72 birthday tomorrow. Its tough time emotionally for me at the moment.
I exbf and I spoke tonight and I can't believe how well we are getting on as friends. In fact I'll say we have never got on this well. There has always been some sort of stress, lies, deception, lack of communication and distance between us. Since we have split it's like all of the crap between us has gone and we are finally beginning to have the relationship we both always wanted with each other. That is to be nice to each other, respect each other and become friends. Don't get me wrong we are not getting back to together, just trying to be friends. We've spoken about this and agreed we will see how and where things go. We may decide to get back together when he comes home or just not spoil things and always be friends.

My compliments
1. I am a healthy person.
2. I eat healthy.
3. I am a good person
4. I am a considerate person
5. I put myself 1st in what ever I do.

Its time I really got stuck into losing my weight and would love to be in the 80's when exbf comes home at the end of July. I've told him I am going to use this at my motivation and tease him with it, so he can see what he is missing out on. His reply is what ever it takes you to stay motivated and as long as your happy.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.
Drink more water and think slim

Coping with a Crisis

Again this is from this week's CK uni stuff and great timing for things that are happening in my life.

No one plans for one, yet it at anytime in our lives, a crisis may turn our lives upside down. You may not be able to control the crisis, but you can manage your reaction.
Your Thoughts
Sometimes, we can be our own worst enemy. Negative self-talk can intensify the negative impact of a crisis. In fact, our perceptions and thoughts can exacerbate the crisis and wreak even more emotional havoc than the crisis itself.
Have you ever heard yourself saying any of the following?
"I can't deal with this."
" I will never be the same."
"My life is over."
Do you "awfulise" or tend to make situations even worse than they actually are in day-to-day events? If you do, your thinking will be your own worst enemy when a crisis strikes.
Extreme Stressors
Sometimes, the impact of stress in our lives can be enormous. A relationship break up, a death in the family, a major upheaval at work or a fight with a friend can all throw your world into turmoil. Staying in touch with your health goals can be impossible when you feel that your world has come tumbling down but you don't have to let go entirely. Good nutrition, sleep and exercise can all help you to deal with extreme stress and will lessen the negative impacts of stress on your body.
If a major crisis has occurred and your life has spun out of control for a few days, or even a few weeks, you may feel like your health goals are history. Go easy on yourself. Take the time you need to deal with whatever comes your way. Look after yourself and nurture yourself.
If, however, food has become an ongoing method of dealing with stress for you, perhaps it's time to look for alternatives. Emotional eating and stress-related bingeing are major issues that can be dealt with and resolved. There are alternatives for stress relief, including counselling, exercise and relaxation techniques.
Anger Management
Dealing with crisis is a huge part of being human. The way that we handle stress and situations that are out of our control can have a big impact on our health. If you have ever been the perpetrator of road rage or taken your stress out on your family, you are probably experiencing high levels of stress and need to take steps to manage anger. Violence or abuse in the home is of particular concern and the advice of a counsellor may be required.
Drug and Alcohol Abuse
For many people, times of crisis can open up new levels of addiction. Some people turn to alcohol or drugs as a way of coping. Ultimately, alcohol and drug abuse can only make the situation worse, including problems at work, financial strains and health problems. Driving while under the influence can put your life and the life of others at risk. Seek help from a recognised organisation in your area.
Coping Mechanisms
While we cannot prevent a crisis from occurring, we can put strategies in place to deal with crisis and prevent ourselves from engaging in a cycle of addictive behaviours, including binge eating. There are many methods of making ourselves feel better that don't involve food or eating.
Do something to relax your body: Go for a long walk, swim, jog. Maintain your exercise program. When you keep you body active, it helps your mind cope better.
Do something to relax your mind: meditation, deep breathing.
Express yourself: Write it all down. Allow yourself time to feel your emotions (unless they are so overwhelming that you can not manage them). Seek professional help if necessary.
Take a personal inventory: take stock of all that is good in your life.
Here are some further tips:
Don't isolate yourself. Seek comfort and support from friends and family.
Have a good cry – it's better to let your emotions out than to hold them. They will only fester and build up.
Physical touch is good for the spirit. Give a hug, ask for a hug.
Take a yoga or tai chi class.
Spend some time in the garden, park, beach or other natural environment.
Read something that soothes your soul.
Write in your blog.

Carlton

Stress

I got this from CK uni this week and thought I'd share it. I'm sure it will help so many people.

I. Dr Stress on Stress
Hi! My name is Dr. Stress. I am a nasty and frustrating character that can do you a lot of harm. I can permeate every corner of life and have a profoundly negative effect on its length and quality.
As Dr. Stress I like to show myself off in all sorts of ways. If you see a lot of these symptoms in your life, you'll know I'm thriving!
Symptoms of Stress:
Anger
Depression
Diarrhoea
Emotional overreaction
Exhaustion
Fingernail biting
Headaches
Increase of addictive behaviour
Irritability
Lack of concentration
Nausea
Poor memory
Pounding heartbeat
Rapid breathing
Repetitive behaviours
Sleep disorders
Stomach pains
Tightness in the chest or shoulders

A note of caution: Some of these symptoms can be early signs of other illnesses. We suggest that you talk to your doctor if you have any concerns about these symptoms.
I love change, conflict and frustration and my hideouts can be social, environmental, physical or emotional. Extreme temperatures, fights with the boss, traffic jams, illness, lack of money, and changes to lifestyle, and even basic biological functions including digestion, can cause me to erupt in your life. And I just love it if you have insufficient rest and an inadequate diet because they impair your ability to boss me around or try to kick me out.
Change of any kind has the potential to let me thrive. How many changes have you experienced this year? In your family, job, living conditions? Have you given me a lot of opportunities to develop?
Conflict also causes considerable stress for many people. Conflicts can occur within and outside of your control, with colleagues, family members, friends or community members. Most people also experience a degree of internal conflict, struggling within themselves over decisions, attitudes and beliefs. I love conflict! I can do all sorts of damage if there is enough conflict around. How much conflict is there in your life, both internally and with others? Can I feed well off your conflict?
Frustration is something you may experience, most often when things don't go your way. Some of you are very easy going even when things don't work the way you want them to, but I much prefer people who get extremely upset in frustrating situations. Something as simple as wanting to hang a picture but having difficulty hammering a nail into the wall can cause frustration, if you let it. If you are the sort of person who gets very upset when small things go wrong, I will be prominent in your life. What makes you frustrated?
Losing the car keys
Not being able to contact a person
Forgetting to pay bills
Getting stuck in traffic
Not having enough money
Getting lost
Losing a game
Waiting in line
Did you know it hasn't always been so easy for me to survive? This is what psychologist Pat Fiducia says about why I do so well in modern culture and lifestyle:
"When you perceive a stressful situation, you activate a mechanism called the flight-or-fight response. This is the same response that prehistoric humans experienced when confronted with life-threatening dangers.
An aggressive driver beeping his horn at you triggers the same pattern of autonomic nervous system responses that your ancestors experienced when being attacked by a predator.
This arousal response activates the release of adrenaline and steroids, diverts blood from the internal organs to the brain, increases heart rate and elevates blood pressure. Accompanying these physiological responses to stress are their emotional counterparts: fear and anger.
However, in most stress-inducing situations today, there is no physical fight or flight – no bear to kill or attacking tribe to run from. Therefore there is no release for the stress that has been pent up in your body. It gets stuck in mid-stream so to speak and that is why today people look to other forms of relief from stress, some of which are positive, such as exercise, and some of which can be negative, such as alcohol or food".
II. Food and Stress
One thing I manage to do while working away at making your life difficult, is convince you that relief is just a bite away. Many people use food as their drug of choice to temporarily deaden the emotional and physical effects I can cause in their lives. Eating can provide momentary relief from me because when you are eating, you are not thinking about other problems.
I know humans are motivated to avoid pain, and that is why they seek relief from me through food. But the relief is fleeting. After you eat, you are left with the same problems, plus a few more. Often you also feel guilty or depressed because you ate too much, and then that just gives me even more room to grow!
There are also certain foods I just love because they eat up the good nutrients in your body and let me thrive. If you want a lot of stress, consume the following:
Caffeine (cola, tea, chocolate): Caffeine inhibits your sleep, and depletes precious B vitamins. Caffeine is also a stimulant and if you already have me in your life you don't need more stimulation!
Alcohol: Alcohol also depletes your body's B vitamins and can disrupt sleep and impair your judgment or clarity of thought. Some studies suggest that drinking in moderation has some health benefits, however, new research has cast doubt on the protective effects of alcohol.
Sugar: The immediate short-term boost of energy from sugar often has a rebound effect followed by a prolonged 'low'. Sugar can cause irritability, lack of concentration and depression.
Fried foods and foods rich in fat: These are very immune depressing.
High-protein animal foods: These elevate brain levels of dopamine and nor epinephrine, both of which are associated with higher levels of anxiety and stress.
But then there are some foods I hate because they replace used up nutrients and help both the mind and the body to fight me off. If you want to reduce my influence on your life, try eating the following:
Whole grains promote the production of the brain neurotransmitter serotonin, which increases your sense of well-being.
Green, yellow and orange vegetables are all rich in minerals, vitamins, and phytochemicals, which boost immune response and protect against disease.
High-fibre, carbohydrate rich foods, such as baked sweet potatoes or minestrone soup – classic 'comfort foods'.
Citrus fruits are full of vitamin C, which is a great stress-busting antioxidant.
Are you a person who seeks relief from me through food? You can determine this by keeping a food/stress diary for a week or two. See if there is a connection between specific stressful situations and specific foods. If you see a connection between stresses and eating, then write down the sorts of foods you eat when you are stressed – find out what the fat, sugar and calorie counts are for those foods. Is eating when you are stressed causing you to consume excess calories or unhealthy foods?
III. What Can You Do About Me?
I seem to have the upper-hand with so many of you that it might be only fair to give you some hints as to what you can do to beat me at my job:
Alter your perceptions: One of the best ways to manage me is to rethink your perceptions. You may not be able to control a situation, but you do have absolute control of your point of view.
"There is nothing neither good nor bad, only thinking makes it so."– Shakespeare
Sometimes, if you are feeling very stressed, you might just need to re-think your response to an event. Is it really the end of the world because you can't hang a picture up quickly; or because the traffic is moving slower than usual; or because you spilt a glass of milk? Sometimes you need to learn to laugh at what you might perceive as a 'disaster'. Sometimes you need to let go of what you cannot control. Try shifting your focus from what is not working in your life, to what is.
It is important not to confuse day-to-day events with tragedies and drastic events. This discussion is only about day-to-day occurrences that impact your life negatively because of how they are perceived by you. More tragic events need more dramatic responses.
Limit changes: Once you identify the changes that induce stress, you can make decisions to limit the number of changes you allow in your life. Of course, you cannot simply quit your job, postpone your move, or permanently avoid everything in your life that has a high stress potential. But you can have some control over how many of these events happen at any one time. You can learn to prioritise for the sake of your sanity. Get used to asking yourself questions about your immediate and distant future: What can I rearrange? What is not a priority? What can I say "no" to? What is really important to me this weekend?
Manage conflict: By determining what you really value and what is really worth battling over, you can limit the amount of conflict in your life. Avoid certain situations that lead to conflict. Limit the number of interactions with people who battle with you. Examine conflicting drives and determine which one should prevail. You cannot expect a perfect world without conflict, but you can make a decision to limit the amount of self-inflicted turmoil in your life.
Let go, mind and body: If you think you are overwhelmed or cannot cope with stress, your body will respond with physical symptoms. But the mind/body connection works both ways: your thinking can produce positive responses as easily as it produces negative ones. You can calm your mind just by relaxing your body. Deep breathing, visualisation and meditation are just a few methods to help relax your body and your mind.
Exercise: Exercise fuels the brain's stress buffers. Twenty to thirty minutes of physical activity, on a regular basis, is a great way to manage stress. You'll find that a consistent exercise schedule not only keeps you alert and focused during the day, but also helps you sleep better at night. If you have a lot of pent up tension, going for a fast walk or for a relaxing swim can ease it out of your system.
It's the little things: Just as little things can get you stressed, little things can help to control stress. For example, a spray of your favourite scent in the air will do wonders to keep you in a calmer frame of mind. Listening to music you enjoy can also slow your breathing and heart rate, and act as a medicine for your mind. If you feel stress beginning to overwhelm you, take some long, slow, deep breaths and then let go of your shoulders. Visualise a pleasant place that you like to go for escape. Call a friend, plant a seed, pull up some weeds, clean out your closet, take a bubble bath... there are so many little things you can do to manage stress and stop yourself from reaching for the cookie jar!
IV. Final Words
Stress is a fact of every day life. We cannot avoid Dr. Stress, but we can manage him so that he does not overwhelm us. Awareness is the first step toward change and management, so if you are even conscious of the way stress affects you and whether it induces you to eat more than you need to, you have a good start. However, if you are having a lot of difficulty getting stress under control, it is a good idea to talk with your doctor or a mental health practitioner.
Good luck with kissing Dr. Stress goodbye!

I Owe My Mum

Got this off CK and thought I'd post it here.

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE."If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. Ijust finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION."You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL."If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock youinto the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC." Because I said so! that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC."If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT."Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're inan accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cryabout."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS."Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA."You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER."This room of yours looks as if a tornado went throughit."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY."If I told you once, I've told you a million times.Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE."I brought you into this world, and I can take youout."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION."Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY."There are millions of less fortunate children in thisworld who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION."Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING."You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are goingto freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP."Put your sweater on; don't you think I know whenyou are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't comerunning to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never growup."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS."You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS."Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were bornin a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM."When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Back to Work Today

Yes I went back to work today and found lots and lots of work to do. I haven't stressed about of the mess I found. The person they had doing my job wasn't experienced enough to coupe with my job and work load. Got back to 90 emails to read and quick a few deals to do and sort out. If I got stuck into the work it could be done in about 3 days but its not going to happen. I'm not prepared to stress about it. It will get done when it gets done, within a reasonable time of course. The good news is that I've gotten some help from one of the others managers,who also came back to work today. I have known this guy for about 8 years and we have been though lots of ups and downs together at work. One of the other Managers has come back from 7 weeks stress leave today and is not going back to his job, so my manager has decided that he can help me get on top of my work load which is good. I will deal with the phone and he can help me sort out the crap of my job. This is good because as at next Monday I need to train another people to do the same job as me (I've been covering both jobs on and off for the past 7 months. More on and off). That will help relieve some of the work pressure. We are both getting a new assistant and they will also need to be trained as well, so I'll get to do that too. Don't you just love it. Lucky they halved the number of clients I look after a few months ago, otherwise I couldn't cope with it all.

My colleague and I had a great chat today about life, putting ourselves first in life, our therapist, depression, medication etc. It was so good to chat to someone that can really relate to our problems and know what the other one is going through. I sense it will make us closer work colleagues. He is also helping me see that there is no need for me to be embarrassed about being diagnoed with depression and that it is a normal reaction to life. I've learnt so much about myself and how I feel about myself etc today. It has been a great learning experience. It made me think so much about how I act to things, how I think about myself and things going in my life. Its like I'm not alone in all of this, one of my colleagues/friends is going through it as well. In a bizarre way its comforting to know this. I'm beginning to feel at peace with my condition at last and feel that I can coupe with anything that's thrown my way and can get over this and feel normal again.

I'm still a little shocked that I opened up so much today about my depression and life as I don't tend to open up to, too many people. Its easy to open up here as its not like opening up to people but that I'm just voicing my concerns, ideas and interests on a piece of paper. It still spins me out some times that there are people out there that want to read this and care enough about me to even post a reply. I thank you all for kind words and support. It has helped me a lot especially during the past few months.

I went to JB and bought some motivational cd's & a DVD to listen/watch, either before I go to bed or when I wake up. This will help me relax more and make me a happier person.

Yesterday I started a no chocolate challenge in CK which will run for 6 weeks until 22/6/06. So far I have not had any chocolate and have stuck to the sureslim program today. This challenge is a day by day thing for me and will help me to cover come the cravings and be able to control chocolate. I DO NOT WANT TO BE CONTROLLED BY CHOCOLATE ANYMORE. If I can last the 6 weeks I will have broken the back of being controlled by Chocolate. I've done this with ice cream, so I know that I can do it with chocolate.

Today's Compliments

1. Congratulations to me for not having chocolate today.
2. Congratulations to me for sticking to my sureslim program today.
3. Good on me for letting my colleague into my world and opening up to him.
4. I am feeling great about me and my life today.
5. Good on me for doing some exercise today.

Today was a good day.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Mothers Day

Today is mothers day and with my mum no longer being here, I thought today would be a difficult day. So far so good today. I've had a fairly good day.

I found the poem below regarding mothers on the CK site and just had to use it in todays blog.


What are Mums made of?
A spoonful of sugar
A cupful of love
Sprinkle with kisses
Give a big hug.

I miss my mum so much.

I contacted Dave last night regarding the walking group and am going to go and take a look at the group and go for a walk with them this week. This is a big thing for me to have actually done it. Now I just have to turn up.

Exbf and I had a good chat today regarding us being friends and what that really means going forward. I'm the type of person that needs to know what is going on. I also need to know what any barriers are and need to feel in control of situations. So far all conversations that we've had since we split have been pleasant and very little tension. Its a bit amazing we not good as a couple but great as friends.

I'm happy with how things in my life are now going.

My compliments:-

1. Congratulations to me for sticking to sureslim program today.
2. Congratulations to me for not eating any chocolate or anything from the vending machine today.
3. I am happy with myself and my will power.
4. I am a trustworthy person
5. Congratulations on contacting Dave regarding his walking group.

Hope everyone had a great mothers day and spoilt their mums lots. Have a great day and just remember you can do what ever you want to.


Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Weigh in Day

Yes today is weigh in day and it seems to come around so fast. I weighted in at 99 kilos today which is a gain of 300 grams. Not too bad considering its over 2 weeks, I've been sick for a week and a half, I've comfort ate this week with lots of chocolate and have basically done no exercise.

If I also tell the truth I've struggled to stay focused and on the sureslim program since I've come back from my trip to Melbourne in early April. Enough is enough I am so sick of being this size, which is why I joined Coco and Rainbow in their 10 kilo challenge. Briony has now joined us, so theirs 4 of us in the challenge which is great but since the challenge started, where now in week 3 I've only lost 500 grams. Today is a new week and instead of saying I'm going to stick to the sureslim program all week I'm going to say I will stick to it today and take it as a day by day thing.

I do not need chocolate in my life and I will stick to sureslim today. So far today I have for breakfast, 200g of natural yoghurt, a peach, 2 tbs of linseed meal and 300 mls of water. So far so good.

My compliments for today are:-

1. I am a healthy person.
2. I can do anything.
3. Nothing will stop me now.
4. I do not need chocolate.
5. I am a strong person.

Have a great day


Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice

My Journey today

This picture represents winter and I thought I'd use it as it was rather cold in Sydney today.

Well another week is over and weigh in day is tomorrow. Not looking forward to that as I've eaten far too much chocolate this week. Not really sure why but it happened. We even discussed it in therapy last night and no real reasons were discovered.


I DO NOT NEED CHOCOLATE!!!!!!
I DO NOT NEED CHOCOLATE!!!!!!
I DO NOT NEED CHOCOLATE!!!!!!
I DO NOT NEED CHOCOLATE!!!!!!
I DO NOT NEED CHOCOLATE!!!!!!
I DO NOT NEED CHOCOLATE!!!!!!

Must keep reminding myself, I DO NOT NEED CHOCOLATE!!!!!!

Today was spend by reading, sleeping in and I didn't actually get out of bed and feed my two cats until noon. They didn't seem to mind as when I woke up they were both on the bed sound alseep as well, That's not something I do all that often but I didn't go to bed until 1.30 a.m.
The afternoon as spend cooking main meals from the sureslim cookbook I got from ebay. I made the following:-

1. Chilli Chicken (you even make the chilli sauce and vegetable stock from scratch) Chilli sauce was made last night and vegetable stock was made a few nights ago.
2. Thai spicy chicken
3. Spicy Baked Beans

All meals serve 4 and as I'm on my own now it means that I have just made myself 12 evening meals. Yes they were put into individual containers and placed in the freezer. This will give me no excuses for not having a meal at night that doesn't fit into the sureslim program. All I need to do is defaust them and heat the in the microwave. A bit like take away without having all the fat and bad stuff.

I'm going back to work on Monday and in a way that will be good as I'll go back to exercising. I recently started walking to work and back every day (3 kms in about 35 mins) and be back into my routine. I'm trying not to think about all the work on my desk and complaints from clients about my absence just yet. Will leave that until Monday.

Today's compliments.

1. I am begining to like myself for myself.
2. My life maybe stressful, however, there are others out there worse off than myself.
3. I am pleased with myself for cooking and organising 12 healthy meals for the coming weeks.
4. Congratulations on me drinking my 2 litres of water today.
5. I am a well liked person.

This compliment thing is so hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It takes more time thinking of these 5 compliments than it takes to type the rest of my entry.

Spoke to exbf again today, as we are trying to remain friends. Things are ok between us and it looks like he will be home in August 2006, should have been next week but he changed his plans.

Well that's about it for today.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice

People come into your life for a reason

Got this off the CK website and thought it was so great, I thought I'd post it here as well as sending it to a few people

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON

I am sending this to you to see how many actually read their e-mail.
Your response will be interesting.
Pay attention to what you read.
After you have finished reading it, you will know the reason it was sent to you.

Here goes:

People come into your life for a reason, a season or alifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for thatperson.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet aneed you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, toprovide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.!

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Send this to every friend that you have on-line, including theperson who sent it to you.
0 Replies - you may need to work on your "people skills"
2 Replies - you are nice but probably need to be more outgoing
4 Replies - you have picked your friends well
6 Replies - you are downright popular
8 Replies or More - you are totally awesome (and that'sprobably why you're on MY list)

Today

I can't believe tomorrow is Friday. This week has gone so fast and I haven't really done much.

Today quote is
"We live in a fantasy world, a world of illusion. The great task in life is to find reality."– Iris Murdoch"

I went and saw my therapist tonight to discuss my reactions to my brothers death and split with bf. Things went pretty well, a few tears etc but ok. The real scary stuff is about to happen in therapy and that is to focus on me and why I do the things I do to myself, I have little self confidence and am shy around people when I first met them. Also why I let these things stop me from meeting new people and living life.

Via CK I found a website for Davidn Hilyander from the biggest loser show and he mentions setting up a walking group. David doesn't live really all that way a way from me (about 15 mins drive) and I thought it might be good to contact him and see if his still doing it and join the group. I discussed this with my therapist and she thinks its a great idea. She also thinks I need to meet a lot more people and go out a lot more. This will also keep my mind off the loss of my brother, mum and bf and help to develop my self confidence more. A bit scary is what I think. I'm willing to give it ago, I think!!!!!!! I surpose I better, she will only ask me about it next time I'm there and yes she will ask. We discussed that as well.

David's website is:- http://www.davidhilyander.com/

My therapist has given me a few tasks for me to this during the next few weeks. These are:-

1. Go out and enjoy myself this weekend i.e. catch a movie or go out for dinner with friends.
2. contact David via email and see if his walking group is still going.
3. If so, join it and actually go.
4. Do a daily compliments diary (that's compliments I give myself and not what others give me).

I will incorporate this compliments diary into my blogs. I need to give myself 5 compliments a day.

Compliments Diary

1. I am a special person.
2. I am a happy and fun loving person.
3. I can and will lose the 40 kilos that I want to.
4. I am a nice person
5. I can do what ever I put my mind to.

Boy was that a hard thing to do, think of 5 reasons to love myself. I'm going to try and make them different everyday.

This entry has turned out to be a decent length, considering when I started I didn't think I had much to say. How wrong I was.

Quote of the day

Not much to say today as I've spend the say at home on the computer whilst I recover from my cold.

Just received this Quote of the Dayn so I thought I'd post it:-

"We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences that we often cannot foresee."– Marian Wright Edelman.

Hope you are all having a great day

Feel like crap

I'm back home and feel like crap. I woke up last Wednesday morning with a cold and nearly lost my voice last Thursday. Its not getting any better.
Today was spend, picking up the cats from the vets, doing the shopping and sleeping. I'm so tired, all I want to do is sleep.
Whilst my time interstate was sad and lots of tears where shed, I'm so glad I went. The funeral was really sad, I still can't believe my brother is gone. Whilst we will never know why he did what he did, I did get some answers to why they think he killed himself. I feel so sorry for my sister in law who now has to bring up the kids by herself, find a new house to live in (business has been sold and settlement is 4 weeks away), move and settle into life without my brother. They were married for 19 1/2 years and have been together since they were 19 years old. There is so much for her to do within the next 4 weeks.
I so hate being sick and feeling like crap. I was going to go for a walk today, as its fairly sunny in Sydney but because I'm feeling crappy that didn't happen.

Weigh in day

Weighed in today and lost 800 grams. Really pleased considering the week I've had.

Yesterday was a very emotional day with my dad. In the morning some of his friends came over to see how he was, in the afternoon some of my deceased sydney friends came over to see how we were (they are also going to the funeral) and dad's minister came over to see how he was. It still all seems so unreal.

As the funeral is in mackay, airline tickets have been booked, hire car has been booked, cats have been booked into boards at the vets and all I need to do is to pack. We leave on Tuesday with the funeral on Wednesday and came home on Saturday. Will be a long week.

Still can't believe it.

Still can't believe that one of my brothers is not here any more.

I discussed the situation with my therapist tonight and I can't believe that he has put his wife, children and other members of our family through all of this pain. I also can't believe that things got so much for him that he couldn't seek help and decided he couldn't cope with it any more.

The funeral is next week and I'm so not looking forward to it. I've just booked the airline tickets and am about to book a car for us to use during out stay.

So far my dad is taking it really well but like me it will hit him when we get there. My other 2 brothers seem to be taking it well but are getting more emotional about it the closer the funeral gets.

Its a day by day situation for me. It all seems so unreal. I know that Australia has the highest suicide rate of the world but you never think it will effect you, only others. It makes you really appreciate life and what you have when it does. Life is so special and short. We need to love ourselves, others we share it will and our lives. Take nothing for grated as it may all be gone tomorrow.

What can I say

Just when I'm beginning to get on top of my emotions and not think about my relationship with bf, my life goes another 360 degrees.

If it wasn't really happening I'd not believe it and think that all of this was being made up for attention.

I found out today that my brother who lives in Mackay killed himself (hung himself) yesterday. My sister in law is obviously a complete reck. It has come out of the blue, no body expected anything. Not sure when the funeral will be as they need to do a autopsy on his body. It just seems so unreal, its been nearly 7 months since we buried my mum and now this. Last time we spoke he seemed so happy and full of life. He was in a loving marriage of 19 years, had a great business and 2 great kids but it appears he was very unhappy about something.

With all of these tests in my life and we wanting to work on my emotional eating, I'm sure being put to the test at the moment. I know that I will get through these tough times and will be a much better and stronger person for it.

This has really brought home to me that life is way to short to do things your not happy about and to stuff around being angry, upset etc. Each day of our life is special and should be treated as such.

So much for me to talk to my therapist about tomorrow night when I go.

BMI

A few months ago I checked my BMI and posted an entry in my blog. I decided to do it again today and discovered that I had been using the wrong hight in cm's when I had calculated it.

Originally when I started this journey my BMI was 44. I have just done it again and its reduced to 38. Whilst this is still classified as obese it has reduced by 6 points which is good. First goal is to get it under 30 and in just being overweight and that will happen when I reach 80 kilos (will then have lost 36.2 kilos). Only 19 kilos to go for this goal. Am aiming for my birthday in September 2006 for this goal (7 months away).

I never want to be overweight again let alone Obese. I know that I am fat but I don't see my self as Obese. I think that if i acknoweldge this out load it will help me move forward and lose this weight for good.

For my height of 162 cm or 5 feet 4 1/2 my ideal weight is 59-66 kilos. My sureslim goal is 65-60 kilos. I currently weigh 99.2 kilos this morning, so I have about 40 kilos to lose.

BMI Weight Status
Below 18.5 Underweight
18.5 – 24.9 Normal
25.0 – 29.9 Overweight
30.0 and Above Obese

Emotions

My emotions are a little more under control today and life doesn't seem so bad. I still have a long way to go but I have decided that I'm not going to do anything in life unless it makes me happy.

I am putting myself first for a change. I need to become stronger emotionally and not cry at a drop of a hat or when things don't go my way.

New Stuff

I normally love going shopping but yesterday I just went with the flow as I went a bought a new video to replace bf's one. Acutally I decided to buy a video and DVD in one and I was going to buy the video and DVD recorder but they are still a little more expensive than what I had planned to spend. So I didn't buy the recorder. I also decided that bf can have my old DVD player when we split, it originally only cost me $99 about 5 years ago. Actually I am going to pack it up with all his stuff and as he isn't here at the moment he want know till he eventually unpacks all his stuff. This want be for a while cause he's not coming home till July and then he's going to live with his parents until he settles back in.

I also bought all the other stuff that I needed to buy. All I'm waiting for now is my new computer, to pack all his stuff and have his parents collect them.

At this stage I haven't told any of my friends and family about the split, as it is too painful to talk about. Its hard enough to write about our split let alone talk about it. That will come in time, however my friends, family and work colleagues are beginning to think something is up and they are always asking me if I'm ok, as I'm not looking happy. My response is I'm ok and that seems stop the questions.

Whilst it is hard writing about the split here, I'm glad I am, as it is helping to come to terms with it and get it out of my system. Hopefully it will help with the grieving and healing process. Will need to chat to my therapist about it when I go next Thursday.

Hope everyone has a great day. I'm off to do some shopping for my dad and spend the day with him. Hopefully this will keep my mind off my bf and what's going on.

Moving On.

I'm trying not think about what's going on and trying to move on with my life. It's not easy. Lots and lots of crying still being done. I only got 5 hours sleep the other night and it really showed the next morning. My eyes were so sore and puffy. People at work even noticed and asked me if things were ok. So I didn't breakdown yet again I told "them things will be ok".

I'm also trying to keep myself busy. I will sort out the spare room later tonight. It is so hard walking up stairs and seeing all his stuff in the spare room, that I've had to close the door. I will be so glad when it is all gone. My thoughts are if were going to split then the quicker it happens the better. Having said that it will probably take a few weeks before all his stuff is finally gone, as I need to get a new computer and have ordered one via work (interest fee loan). It will take 15 days to be delivered. I'm using his computer and whilst he's told me I can keep it, I really don't want it.

I'm also off today to buy a new video recorder and the other things I need to replace of his.

If its going to be over, then its over and I don't want any of his stuff here to remind me more of what I'm already missing and can't have any more. At least with him not being here I can't bump into him at the shops or when I'm out and when it happens I will be emotionally stronger and able to cope with it better.

His parents are also sad were splitting up and hope we can all still be friends. At this time I'm not sure if exbf and I can ever be friends. Its too early to make that decision and only time will tell.

All I want to do is cry

Things haven't been going all my well with my relationship with my bf over the past few months. The separation of distance and lack of contact hasn't helped either. We spoke on the phone tonight and have all be decided that as things aren't working out and were both not happy, then its best to split up for good. Its more his decision than mine and all I want to do is cry, cry, cry and cry some more. We have been together for 4 years and its so hard to split up for good. I can't believe it's over and nor can his parents.

As he isn't here I'll have to start packing all his stuff and get his parents to come and get it all. I'll also have to get a new video recorder, computer etc as the ones we have been using are his.
The sooner this is all done the better. Don't really want any reminders around me, the memories I have of us are hard enough to coupe with. Need a clean break to try to mend my broken heart and concentrate on my health issues.

I am so upset and not really sure what to do next. Whilst I've been crying all night, I have stayed away from all food, which is great. I've also be gathering up all his stuff and putting it in the spare room. On the weekend I will start to sort it out properly and box it up for his parents to collect the following weekend. I'm also hoping to sort out a new computer tomorrow.
This whole mess will be a real test for my emotional eating.

The biggest test of my mental strength and residence to emotionally eating will be over the next few weeks, as I pack his stuff up, see his parents again and they take all of his stuff away. Then I will know it is finally over.

I'm also so surprised how much I have actually cried tonight. I didn't even cry his much when my mum died last year and I watched her body shut down due to tumors/cancer and slowly die over 3 days.

Not that I am tired but its 11.30 p.m. now and I have to get up in 6 and a half hours to go to work. Lots of do tomorrow, seeing I'm out of the office until Thursday afternoon next week due to courses, dentist and a public holiday.

Better get some sleep don't want to look too bad tomorrow at work.

Why do I do this to myself.

Why do I do the things I do to myself?????????????
Why do I sabotage myself??????????????
Why do I emotionally eat????????????????
Why am I not as mentally tough as I should be??????????
Why am I afraid to be thin????????????

I ask myself these and a lot more questions like them every day. What am I so afraid of??????????????

I have exercised for at least 90 mins each day for the past 4 days but still I find myself sabotaging myself each night. I have eaten so far 2 x 2 litre tubs of ice cream and a large block of chocolate.

I am so good during the day but night time is my big downfall. Why Why Why???????????????? If I knew the answers to this I wouldn't have a problem and be able to lose the weight I want to.

I am currently seeing a therapist about these problems, my depression and a few others as well. Will have to bring this up with her to see how I can deal with it.

I am so sick of exercising my but off and being good during the day but undoing it all when I get hom from work. I've had my whing for the day and better get back to work.

Walked to Work Again

I walked to work again this morning and will walk home as well.

I've decided that with petrol prices going up and up with no end in site, I will be walking to work more often. It is not only good for my health and weight loss but I will save money buying petrol.

Exercising

I started exercising again last night. I did a 45 min new body exercise video and a 30 min walking video. Whilst I was tired afterwards it did feel good to get back into it.

I also walked to work today and am thinking about walking more often seeing petrol prices are increasing. I only live 3 kms away and takes 35 minutes to walk as I have to cross 2 major roads and that holds me up a little.

I feel so much better now that I have started exercising again.

Back and Struggling

Hi I'm back from my holiday. I had a fantastic time and I can't remember the last time I had so much fun.

The main problem is at the moment I'm struggling to get back on track. I did my strength exercises today and was going to go to the gym but never got there. At this stage I'm tossing up whether to walk to work or not tomorrow.

I'm also not feeling that flash at the moment, think I'm coming down with a cold. Think I'm off to have an early night.

Catch ya later.

Weigh in today

This is Zelda who is 5 years old. She hates her picture being taken and very rarely looks at the camera.
This is Zac and he's 4 1/2 years old and weighs nearly 8 kilos. Such a lovable cat.

Thought I'd share the 2nd most important people in my life, my 2 cats. They keep my company whilst I'm away from my bf.

Weighted in today and lost another 1.05 kilos, which brings my total loss on sureslim to 6 kilos. Only 7.5 kilos to my next goal.

Very happy about my results so far.

Going away with my brother for 8 days on Tuesday and very worried about how my program will go. I'm planning on having my fruit, yoghurt and nuts for breakfast and a chicken and salad roll, nuts and an apply for luch but dinner and after dinner will be interesting. I normally drink lots and lots of alcohol when I go away with my brother and I'm not allowed to have it on sureslim. I will have to watch what I drink and make sure I do lots of walking around Melbourne and the GP track.

Eating & stuff going on at the moment.

I lost the plot a little bit with my eating towards the end of last week and over the weekend. I think I need to put a little more variety into it. I also find it hard to stick to the plan after I've gotten home and had dinner. I really need to make sure that I'm busy and don't get bored.

Since Monday my eating has been good. I've been a little off the plan but any extra food I've had has been either fruit or say a little extra protein.

At this stage it doesn't appear to have effected my weight loss much. On my scales anyway. Just need to stay focused and keep on plan until Saturday. I also need to do more exercise as well.

I've been really busy at work this week and haven't gotten to the gym.

I'm on holidays from Friday night and am going to Melbourne for the Formula One Grand Prix on Tuesday. Can't wait for the race and to have a break from work. I've got two weeks off and have lots and lots planned.

Apart from going to Melbourne I am doing:-

1. Need to drive my dad to and from my brothers place in wollongong, as he is staying with them whilst were away.
2. Food shopping and washing when I get home.
3. Zag and Zelda, my 2 cats are going the vets for the week, so I need to take them there and collect them
4. Want to start spring cleaning my house, include going through boxes and cupboards to sort through all the stuff we have and decide if we really need it or not.
5. I also need to go and buy some new trousers to wear to work for winter. The ones I have are too big and are nearly falling off me. I'm going to sell them via e-bay.
6. I also need to buy some new underwear. Again they are too big.
7. Take my dad out for a drive one afternoon.
8. Visit mum's cremation plot. It will be six months since she's gone when we come back from Melbourne. That will be an emotional day.

I also want to price some new wooden blinds for my place. I can't afford them at the moment but if I know how much they cost, I can save for them. Will also look at replacing the toilet and hot water system when I'm away as well.

Boy just looking at this list makes me tired. So much to do in just 2 short weeks and I'm away in Melbourne for 7 days of it.

Cosmetic changes to my home

I've been thinking for a while its time to do some cosmetic changes to the inside of my townhouse.

Things I need to do:-

1. Re-paint all rooms. I like to have neutral colours but I might include a feature wall in each room.
2. Modernize the bathroom.
3. I also need to replace the hotwater system and toilet in the next few months as they are starting to play up and cost me money to fix.
4. I tend to be a keep lots and lots of things and feel that it time to go through things and decide if I really need the stuff I have or not. Also do a good clean of the whole house at this stage.

Might start some of this when I'm on holidays in a few weeks time.

Exercise 15/03/06

Just back from gym. I originally went to do my normal 30 min workout but today decided to extend it until 45 mins.

I go at lunchtimes to ensure that 1. I exercise and 2. that I have a break from the office.

Today I did:-

7 1/2 mins on the stepper
(haven't done this for a while and could have pushed my self to do the whole 10 mins but decided not too).

15 mins on the treadmill

10 mins on the x-trainer (god I love this machine as it burns lots and lots of calories, but need to build up to 30-40 mins again)

12 1/2 mins ont he treadmill

Overall I burnt 500 calories. I'm a little tired at the moment but feel so good as well.

Results so far on Sureslim

2/3/06 I got my sureslim program and weighed in at 103.5 kilos.

11/3/06 weighted in at 99.95 kilos (lost 3.55 kilos).

Today I weighed in on my scales at 98.9 kilos. I'm on my way to my goal this week of losing 1.5 kilos. I need to be 98.45 by Saturday.

Off to the gym at lunchtime to burn some more calories.

I've been watching the Aussie version of the biggest loser and can't get my head round that they burn 2500 calories per day and only lose between 1-4 kilos for the girls and 2-6 for the guys. They must be cheating or something.

Exercise 14/03/06

Work is so busy at the moment, it appears everyone wants to see me before I go on holidays in 7 (work days) time. Not that I'm counting. I didn't get to they gym yesterday which I was a little annoyed about.

I decided to wash my car last night cause it hadn't been washed for months. I also took it to a car wash that you do it yourself and get lost of great upper body exercise. You got to hate it, when it rains the day after you wash your car. Yes its raining in Sydney today and whilst we need it, my nice clean car is going to get dirty again. Just hate when that happens. After washing my car, I went and did the grocery shopping and spent 30 mins walking around Coles.

I noticed last night as I was walking through Coles that there is so much chocolate in the supermarket at the moment and its not just because of easter. Chocolate is a big danger food for me and it was so tempting to buy some, but I know that if I do, I will eat it all and I will not get to my goal. I kept thinking as I saw the chocolate, that if I buy it and eat it, I will not lose 1.5 kilos this week. Normally I don't put pressure on myself to lose a certain amount of weight a week, this week is an exception as if I lose 1.5 then I will have lost 5 kilos in 2 weeks on Sureslim.

During my walk I decided to walk through every idle, even though I only needed fruit, vegs, cat food and diary items.

Exercise summary

Car wash = 20 mins
Grocery shopping 30 mins.

So far so good this week and I'm planning on going to the gym at lunchtime today.

Gym 13/03/2006

I went to the gym today and boy was it a struggle as I so hated the music playing. I'm thinking of taking my mp3 player and listening to my own music.

I did manage to burn 355 calories and did 10 mins running on treadmill, 10 mins level 10 on cross trainer and 10 minutes warm down on treadmill.

I must stay focused this week so I get to my 5 kilo total loss goal.

My 2 cats

Zelda my 5 year old cat.











Zac my 4 and a half year old cat.


I'd thought I'd share my two cats with your all. I got Zac and Zelda nearly 4 years ago from the animal welfare league at Hoxton Park in Sydney NSW, after I had to put my previous cat Teddy down as he had terminal cancer.

They mean the world to me and keep me company whilst my bf is away.

First Weigh in on Sureslim

I weighted in this morning on for the first time on Sureslim and I lost 3.55 kilos. Bring on my first goal of 5 kilos lost. Only 1.45 kilos to go. Better start thinking about which one I want.

When I got my program I weighted in at a huge 103.5 kilos and now I weigh 99.95. I also broke the magic 100 kilo mark again. This time I am determined never to go back. I did have a few slip ups on the program this week but hasn't seemed to make much difference.

This coming week I will exercise everyday and post my results. I will also stick to the program as I would love to make my first goal of 5 kilos lost this coming week.

Good day

I had another good day on sureslim and so far so good. I'm planning my meals and preparing my lunch the night before. This way I know what I am eating and I'm organised. I am also enjoying the program and feel so alive and feel I have lots to live for (a big step for me as I've was diagnosed with clinical depression in July 2005).

I love being organised and knowing what's happening in my life. I don't couple well with sudden changes or uncertain situations.

Decided to do some shopping on the internet tonight and bought my bf a present - well its a belated birthday present. He's in to learning to play the guitar and at the moment is he is borrowing a guitar. So I bought him one, he doesn't know yet. It will arrive in a few days but he will have to wait till he comes home to get it. Can't wait for that too happen.

Whilst his home coming brings up mixed emotions I do miss him so much.

One of the things I've noticed during the past week, is now that I'm focused on my eating healthy food again, my whole attitude is changing. I'm also allowing myself to feel emotions (both good and bad) again and starting to living life again.

I also, so hate the feeling of being depressed. Walking around like nothing matters, feeling like I've lost the will to live, feeling like a corpse and that I have nothing to live for. So many people just don't understand depression. They think you can click your fingers and it will all go away and you will be happy again. I can tell you that is certainly not the case. It is so hard to battle his illness, so hard to live normally. Please don't be overly concerned about me, I am getting help, taking medication and am starting to get on top of things again. Just every so often I go back into my deep and that's very deep, dark world of depression and let the world just go by without me being a participant. Even my darling bf doesn't always understand me or have patience with me.

Life can be very hard and tough but very pleasant and joyfull at the same time. At the moment I'm taking one day at a time and one meal at a time.

Here's to happier times and memories. Here's to getting control of my life and losing my excess weight and getting to my goal of 60 kilos.

Gym

I went back to the gym at luch time today and feel really good about it. I did 10 mins on the x-trainer and 20 mins on the treadmill.

Still feeling good about things and can't wait to weigh in on Saturday and see how well I've gone this week.

Feeling Good

I had such a great day today. I felt so alive and on top of things. I know its early on in my new program and I think that between this and some positive thinking things are turning around.

Doing two jobs didn't even spoil things.

Also had a great conversation with bf tonight. I've really missed him today and can't wait to see him again.

Weekend

Well the weekend has been interesting on my new program. Lots of temptation and some I have not been able to resist but overall I think its been ok.

Eating every 5 hours can be a little tough and being restricted with what food I can eat can be a challenge as well, specially visiting bf and friends.

Bf and I had a rather frank chat this afternoon, which was good. I explained about the sure slim program and why I felt I had to change from ww to sure slim which is a lot more restrictive. I think he understands why. We are taking it one day at a time but things have promise. Communication and expectations are out biggest problems. I was raised in a family environment that you didn't share your feelings or concerns but worked them out yourself. This makes it really hard for me to open up to not only him but to others as well and ask for help. It also doesn't help that we have limited contact (both my phone and in person) at the moment.

Whilst I ate some cream cake yesterday at my aunts, I was very good a visits today in that I ate before I went and drank black tea and water. When asked if I wanted something from the vending machine I said no. I've explained that under my new program I can't drink diet soft drink or eat anything from the machine. We've decided at the moment to only have 1/2 day visits to help me with my program.

Today was a good day.

First day on Sure Slim

I got my sure slim program yesterday and today is the first day on the program.

So far so good. It takes a bit of getting use to having at least 5 hours between meals but I'm sure I will get use to it. I think this week is going to be a little harder than others as my body will start to detox and get rid of all of the bad stuff. I'm expecting to feel headaches, a little tiredness, feeling unwell etc but I know it is only temporary and I will feel so much better sooner rather than later.

With the weekend coming I need to stay focused and stay on program.

A big cry for my Mum

Last night I was talking to my brother about my mum and how we are still letting people know that she has died 5 months ago. During our conversation, we started talking about the days leading up to her death and thoughts and feelings that we are both having. All of a sudden I started crying and couldn't stop.

I think my reactions upset my brother and he started apologising for the conversation and was a little concerned about me. I'm seen as the strong one in the family. The truth is any crying I've done has been in private and when I'm around the rest of the family I just do what ever I need to do and not focus on what I'm doing. Its kind of like auto pilot or removing any emotional attachments to my tasks. It works really well at the time, but long term its not really healthy.

Looking back at things I haven't really grieved for mum, as am seen as the strong one (even my the nurses in the hospital) and too busy organising the family to be there during mum final days, phone contact for those who couldn't or didn't feel comfortable being there during mum's final days, the funeral, mum's cremation plot, the estate, helping my brother look after dad and what to do with her remaining ashes (as they don't all fit into a cremation plot). I think my grieving process is just starting.

Can't believe it is nearly 6 months since she has gone. I still get the urge to ring her every day to chat and see how they are both going. I wonder if this urge will ever go away.

It feels good for this part of my life and my diet to be under some sort of plan at the moment. Next step is to deal with being a victim in 1991, which will help a lot of other parts of my life.

Frustrated & Excited

I was a little frustrated this morning as I still hadn' t heard about my program. It got that bad that I even rang them to see when it would be available. There only answer was soon.

Surprise suprise, tonight when I got home I got a phone call from Sure Slim telling me my program is finally ready. Guess they just hadn't received there mail when I rang.

I'm excited because I'm getting it tomorrow and can't wait to start. I also can't wait to get back into a routine and start doing things for myself instead of for others.

Today

Today has been a better day. I was organised this morning and took my lunch to work and kept fairly on track with that. I also find that if I don't have a lot of money on me, then I'm not tempted to buy crap.

Quite proud of myself today.

Frustration

I'm a little frustrated at the moment. I had my blood test a week ago and can't wait to get my program and start losing weight again. Its like my whole life is on hold. I also so need to go shopping but don't want to buy much as I'm not sure what kind of foods I'll be able to eat on Sure slim, as the program is designed based on your blood test results.

This past week as been up and down. I'm finished all of the bourbon and coke premixers in the house, ate lots of things I shouldn't have and am sure I've put on a few more kilos.

I sure hope they ring me in the next few days. I've made this decision to use them to lose weight and so want to get started.

I'm even going to try (and try is the word) to get up and 5 a.m and go for a 60 minute walk. I also need to get back into exercise. Next week I'm back to doing my old job and will be going to the gym again at lunchtime. Can't wait, to get back into my old routine again. I actually miss it.

I also miss my old life prior to being a victim back in 1991, it seems like a life time ago.

Current Weight

Whilst I'm spilling my soul to the world, I should confess my current weight is 100.2 kilos and under Sure Slim my goal weight is between 60 - 65 kilos.

I would love to get to 60 kilos so this means I need to lose 40.2 kilos. I've so far paid for 6 months and would love to get there by then. Don't realistically think that is possible but I will try.

One thing that I have to remember is that there average weight loss per month is between 7-10 kilos. Based on that I should make it.

I just need to deal with my demons as I go a long and not let them stop me.

Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Struggling

As part of the Sure Slim program you need to go for a blood test. It is part of the cost and is so they can work out an individual program for you. I went and had my blood test today and should have my program in about a week. I can't wait to start and get on my way to a new life.

In the mean time, I'm really struggling with my eating, its getting that bad that my lunch time food choices aren't that good either. I'm not only struggling with eating, but I'm really stressed at the moment with work. Can't wait to go back to Bankstown and just do my job only. At the moment, I'm not a good person to be around. I'm angry a lot of the time. I am so sick of pushy clients, who leave things to the last minute and then expect you to drop everything and work on their deal. They only think of themselves and think that they are your only client and have nothing better to do. Sometimes it feels like they doing you a favour. At the moment I'm looking after about 400 clients.

I feel like I'm about to lose the plot. I feel so out of control, not only with eating, but with work, with my relationship with my bf, my happiness, myself, my finances etc. Basically nothing is going how I would like it.

My thinking is all over the place at the moment, even to the point that I don't want to pick my bf when he comes home from his stay away. At this point I'd much prefer his parents to pick him up and go straight to their place. I've even told him that I don't want the responsibility of him here and would prefer he lives with them for the time being, or even by himself. Needless to say that hurt him a lot, but I'm not sure I can cope with it. So many things are happening at the moment, so many things going through my mind, its no matter I'm all over the place.

I haven't even been able to build up my self esteem before I lose the plot eating. I do remember to but normally its after I've eaten.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to beat myself up, just trying to get my frustrations out on of my system, so I can get some sleep.

Things for me to work on are:-

1. My eating
2. My self esteem
3. Why do I sabotage myself
4. Me being a victim back in 1991
5. Feeling out of control
6. Bf coming home
7. Stress levels
8. Why I am afraid to be thin
9. Struggling with my life
10. I need to grieve over my mum's death last year. I have/had been so busy organizing her funeral, estate matters, making sure my dad is ok and is looked after, I've never actually really grieved over my loss.
11. Depression
12. exercise

The above points are in no order, only how I remembered them.

I miss my mum every day and would so love to be able to talk to her. I still get the urge to ring her and see how she is going and just chat but unfortunately if I want to talk to her I have to have a once sided conversation at her cremation plot. Not really the same.

I so can't wait to start to feel normal, happy, love myself and life again. It feels like forever since I've been able to do this, well it has been 15 years since I was a attacked and felt content, happy and love my life.

I need to take it one step at a time and one day at a time. Today has been a very down day and tomorrow will be a better day I'm sure.

Took the Plunge

I'm been thinking about joining Sure Slim for the past 8 months or so. Last week I actually rang them and book an information consultation for what I thought was today. It turned out the head office booked it for 18/3/06 even though they told me 18/2/06 (written in my diary during the phone call). It turned out ok cause they fitted me in. I got on with the consultant really well and was so comfortable with her. I took the plunge and joined.

The course is a little expensive, however, I get an individual plan for me and a one on one consultation every week. I'm not expecting it to be all that easy as it is based on eating only 3 meals a day and you have to wait 5 hours between each meal. You also can't drink sweet drinks or drink alcohol during the weight loss phase. Big challenge will be having to wait 5 hours to eat, as I now have snacks during meals, even if it is just fruit and am going away in 5 weeks to Melbourne where I normally drink a fair amount of alcohol during this week.

I'm feeling good about it and can't really wait to start. I have to go and have my blood test early next week and then will start a week after that.

Losing the plot

Well my weight loss journey has well and truely run off the rails and I've lost the plot. I'm good most days but at night its another storey.

Went to see my therapist today to talk about my stuggles with losing weight and all of the things associated with that. We have decided to again focus on my self esteem and at night when I am looking to eat, I have to write down all of the good things that has happened to me during the day, all of the compliements and good thoughts I have done. I also have to keep a diary about what is happening to me during the day and what I am thinking during these times.

We are going to heavily concentrate on:-

1/ why I sabbatoge my good work with food,
2/ why I am afraid to be thin
3/ why I don't like myself
4/ why I emotionally (comfort) eat.

Hopefully this will help me over come what happened in 1991 and why I don't treat myself well. This will make for some heavy and interesting sessions.

I hate

I hate clothes sizes.

Yesterday I bought 2 pairs of pants both are a size 16. One of them it a little to big and baggy. I really should return them for a size 14 and the other I just fit into.

Weigh in Last Night

Weighted in last night and lost 1.5 kilos. January was a good start to the year and my weight loss journey. My results were as follows:-

Lost 1.9 kilos first week.
Lost 0.3 grams the 2nd week.
Put on 1 kilo the 3rd week.
Lost 1.5 kilos this week.

Total loss for January is 2.7 kilos. If I can stretch this to between 3 to 3.5 kilos a month I will be at my goal of 60 kilos in 11-12 months time. Its time to get focused and start achieving my goals.

Current weight is 98.7. My goal for February is to lose 3.5 kilos and weigh 95.2.

Diffences

I'm been thinking a lot about my life the past few weeks and what I've been doing and not doing. I've learn't that last year was a year of just surviving and having to overcome a lot of emotional stuff i.e.

1. My mum diagnosed with breast cancer - Feb
2. My darling bf diagnosed with DVT - April
3. My dad being rushed to hospital, gall bladder - June
4. Me being diagnosed with depression and starting therapy - July
5. My mum struggling with her cancer battle - June - September
6. Mum losing her battle with cancer - October
7. Dad being rushed to hopsital and nearly died - December
8. Nearly breaking up with darling bf - January

I still miss my mum and stuggle with her not being around some days. Every couple of days I have this feeling that I need to pick up the phone and call her to see how she is going or to talk to her about things, but sadly I can only do this when I go and visit her at the cementry and then its a one sided conversation. My dad is better but also misses mum, which is understandable, they were together for 54 years. Darling bf and I are getting on better during the past few weeks than ever before. Things are getting better and that I will come through this.

The main difference with this year to last year is that things are a lot better and I'm learning to deal with my emotions and emotional eating. This year is going to be my year, the year I focus on myself, sort my self out emotionally & physically and get to my goal weight. Nothing is going to stop me.

This online blogg is a great help, lets me get things off my chest.