A big cry for my Mum

Last night I was talking to my brother about my mum and how we are still letting people know that she has died 5 months ago. During our conversation, we started talking about the days leading up to her death and thoughts and feelings that we are both having. All of a sudden I started crying and couldn't stop.

I think my reactions upset my brother and he started apologising for the conversation and was a little concerned about me. I'm seen as the strong one in the family. The truth is any crying I've done has been in private and when I'm around the rest of the family I just do what ever I need to do and not focus on what I'm doing. Its kind of like auto pilot or removing any emotional attachments to my tasks. It works really well at the time, but long term its not really healthy.

Looking back at things I haven't really grieved for mum, as am seen as the strong one (even my the nurses in the hospital) and too busy organising the family to be there during mum final days, phone contact for those who couldn't or didn't feel comfortable being there during mum's final days, the funeral, mum's cremation plot, the estate, helping my brother look after dad and what to do with her remaining ashes (as they don't all fit into a cremation plot). I think my grieving process is just starting.

Can't believe it is nearly 6 months since she has gone. I still get the urge to ring her every day to chat and see how they are both going. I wonder if this urge will ever go away.

It feels good for this part of my life and my diet to be under some sort of plan at the moment. Next step is to deal with being a victim in 1991, which will help a lot of other parts of my life.