Struggling

As part of the Sure Slim program you need to go for a blood test. It is part of the cost and is so they can work out an individual program for you. I went and had my blood test today and should have my program in about a week. I can't wait to start and get on my way to a new life.

In the mean time, I'm really struggling with my eating, its getting that bad that my lunch time food choices aren't that good either. I'm not only struggling with eating, but I'm really stressed at the moment with work. Can't wait to go back to Bankstown and just do my job only. At the moment, I'm not a good person to be around. I'm angry a lot of the time. I am so sick of pushy clients, who leave things to the last minute and then expect you to drop everything and work on their deal. They only think of themselves and think that they are your only client and have nothing better to do. Sometimes it feels like they doing you a favour. At the moment I'm looking after about 400 clients.

I feel like I'm about to lose the plot. I feel so out of control, not only with eating, but with work, with my relationship with my bf, my happiness, myself, my finances etc. Basically nothing is going how I would like it.

My thinking is all over the place at the moment, even to the point that I don't want to pick my bf when he comes home from his stay away. At this point I'd much prefer his parents to pick him up and go straight to their place. I've even told him that I don't want the responsibility of him here and would prefer he lives with them for the time being, or even by himself. Needless to say that hurt him a lot, but I'm not sure I can cope with it. So many things are happening at the moment, so many things going through my mind, its no matter I'm all over the place.

I haven't even been able to build up my self esteem before I lose the plot eating. I do remember to but normally its after I've eaten.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to beat myself up, just trying to get my frustrations out on of my system, so I can get some sleep.

Things for me to work on are:-

1. My eating
2. My self esteem
3. Why do I sabotage myself
4. Me being a victim back in 1991
5. Feeling out of control
6. Bf coming home
7. Stress levels
8. Why I am afraid to be thin
9. Struggling with my life
10. I need to grieve over my mum's death last year. I have/had been so busy organizing her funeral, estate matters, making sure my dad is ok and is looked after, I've never actually really grieved over my loss.
11. Depression
12. exercise

The above points are in no order, only how I remembered them.

I miss my mum every day and would so love to be able to talk to her. I still get the urge to ring her and see how she is going and just chat but unfortunately if I want to talk to her I have to have a once sided conversation at her cremation plot. Not really the same.

I so can't wait to start to feel normal, happy, love myself and life again. It feels like forever since I've been able to do this, well it has been 15 years since I was a attacked and felt content, happy and love my life.

I need to take it one step at a time and one day at a time. Today has been a very down day and tomorrow will be a better day I'm sure.