2007 Weight Loss Goals

I've been thinking of what I want to achieve in the coming 12 months and my goals for 2007 are:-


1. To get back on track and get all 3 green ticks on CK.
2. To remain focused and ask for help when I slip.
3. To get to my goal weight (even if it takes the whole year and probably will).
4. To drink 3 litres of water a day.
5. To exercise for 1 hour a day (might need to break it up to 2 x 30 min sessions).
6. To complete the sexy abs challenge on CK.
7. To complete the Body Blitz challenge on CK.
8. To blog my weight loss journey and refer back to it when I struggle.
9. To be honest with myself and not beat myself up too much when things don't go to plan.

Given the news yesterday that CK is going to become free to join from 1/1/07 and some of us members being concerned about trolls etc spoilling the site, I have been looking around for alternative sites and come across a site called www.sparkpeople.com. Not sure if i will use this site yet, as I want to keep an open mind about the changes to CK but I did sign up for it. Will check it out today when it is quiet at work.

Next month it will be my 1 year anniversary in blogging and so much has happened. I've been going through my archive bloggs and found the following from January 2006.

Top Ten Benefits of Losing Weight
So, what are the top ten health benefits you can expect after dropping 10 percent of your weight? In no particular order, they are:

10. Better blood pressure
9. Improved heart health and lower cholesterol levels
8. Decreased risk for diabetes /cancer
7. Enhanced sex life
6. A better night’s sleep for those with obstructive sleep apnea
5. Less pain associated with arthritis, joint disease, and lower back pain.
4. Better breathing
3. Less Depressed
2. Spending less on clothes, (as the bigger you are the more they cost cause they use more material)
1. More energy



Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

I HOPE 2007 IS YOUR YEAR

CARLTON

TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME

Very Exciting News Tonight - Greatest Christmas Present Ever

If you've been reading my blog, you would know that my dad is rather sick (advanced prostate cancer and bone cancer). He has been hospital for the past month and we need to look for a nursing home for him.

Well I had been planning on taking christmas lunch to dad in hospital as I thought that was our only option.

Well tonight when we were visiting him and the nurses & doctors gave us the greatest chrisrmas prsent ever, they told us we can bring dad home for the day if we want to. He gets day release for christmas day. Ya Ya Ya - its very exciting.

Well without even a second thought I told them sure would love to. I am so happy we can now celebrate christmas at home and he can join in. It will not be anything over the top but at least it is at home and not in the hospital. It's the best news my brother and I could ask for and I now can't wait for christmas.

The thought of having to celebrate christmas in the hospital was starting to depress my brother.


Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

Words of Wisdom

I got this from WBS blog and liked it so much, I thought I'd share it in my blog as well.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill,
and a black lace bra..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
One friend who
Always makes her laugh...
And oneWho lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A feeling of control over Her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love
Without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to quit a Job
Break up with a lover
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
When to try harder...
and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That she can't change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
That her childhood
May not have been
Perfect..but;
Its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she would and wouldn't
Do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
How to live alone...
even if She doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can't,
And why she shouldn't
Take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Where to go...
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods...
When her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish
In a day...
A month...
And a year...


Carlton
Take One Step at a Time

Update

An update on my dad, the medication they have put him on is helping reduce the symptons and any paid but will never cure him.

We found out a few days again that my dad has to be transferred to a nursing home as he needs 24/7 care. My brother and I can not provide this care and it is way too expensive to hire someone to look after him in his home, so unfortunately the only option we have is to transfer him to a nursing home. I'm not very happy about doing to but have no choice. Dad finally came to terms with it on Tuesday and was very upset about it. Life is so unfair sometimes. I also found out that there is lots of things to consider when finding a good nursing home and lots of paper work that needs to be done. We've got a list of homes within the area my dad's house is and am aiming to get a nursing home for him as close as possible. The search begins.

I'm also starting again next year with my weight loss and need a very big kick in the pants. I've let myself eat crap whilst my dad has been sick in hospital but as things aren't going to change much there, (with him going into a nursing home) my bad and out of control eating has to stop.

I have to take control of my eating and life again and begin to make good food choices and not bad ones. I have to accept that my life has changed in so many ways. Visiting my dad either in a hopsital or nursing home nearly every day is becoming the normal and that I don't just have to eat junk food when I am there.

Sorry to carry on a bit about this but getting it out of my system helps.

I'm off sick again today and hope that everyone has a great day.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time

Dad Update No. 2

Hope everyone is going well. My week is just hit rock bottom. We got some of dad's results back today and its not good. They include:-

1. He can't look after himself i.e. shower himself, get out of bed etc so looks like he will eventually need to go into a nursing home.
2. They have discovered he has advanced prostate cancer and they are 90% sure its gone into his bones.

There is treatment they can give him but will only give him better quality of life. They still need to do more MRI scans and tests but basically there is no cure. We need to see the specialist on Monday to find out more and what we need to do going forward but it is really just a matter of time.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Update on Dad

Thanks everyone for your kind wishs and thoughts.

Just to let you know that we had to rush Dad to hopsital today because he nearly collapsed whilst doing the shopping in Woollies. After spending 9 hours in emergency, dad got admitted and so far they have found he has a urine infection and high temperature. They are still doing more tests to find out why he is having problems walking, talking and generally getting around. Not sure when we will find out what is really wrong with him.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

My Dad

This is a picture of my dad taken in Qld in September 2006 when we went to visit my sister in law.

Dad is currently in remission with non Hopkins lymphoma and has been for about 2 years now. We've noticed the past few weeks his health is deteriorating, his is not eating properly, has trouble getting out of chairs, walking and talking. His talking is getting to the point that even I'm having problems understanding him.

I got some bad news from my brother tonight saying that dad thinks the cancer has come back. I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions until we get some test results, but he has been unwell for a few weeks now and will not let us take him to the doctors or hospital. Yes he is sick but I am hoping it is something can be treated and nothing to serious.

This time last year we nearly lost him with blocked bile ducts in his liver and I'm hoping it is something like that. His biggest problem is that he will only drink fluids when someone is around to fill his glass and that only happens during the day when my brother comes home for lunch.

Dad spend most of today in bed today and has hardly eatten anything. I could tell my brother was very upset when he rang me, you could also tell he was shaking during the phone call and nearly in tears.

My brother and I are going to take him to get tests done tomorrow but I am so upset, worried and concerned about losing him. I know he has been depressed since mum died nearly 14 months ago now and I think when he got sick last year he nearly willed himself to go but didn't in the end cause we needed him. Well we still need him. My relationship with him hasn't been the best over the years but I still need him.

I am so worried, as is my brother. Not sure I'm going to sleep tonight.

Sorry if this sounds all over the place, but my head is all over the place and I'm in tears as I'm typing this.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

OMG - Time to pull my finger out and do it.

I've known for a while that David intended on coming to Australia to met me and see where this relationship is going. Well tonight he told me that he's applied for his visa and that he can get a flight on either 10/12/06 or 21/12/06, depending on me. I will have to see when I can get some more time off work.

Whilst I want to see him asap and have him here asap, Christmas is a busy time for me with parties etc and it would be easier to attend some of these without him and better if he got here on 21/12/06. Just not sure how I can tell him that without upsetting him.

OMG its really happening. Whilst I'm very excited about this, its rather nerve racking as well. I can't believe its actually going to happen.

Its time to get serious about losing some weight before he gets here. I've been cooking out of the Annette Syms cook books for a while now and yesterday I started the 28 day menu planners. My aim was to stick to these until David got here, so I'm going to do that and will need to exercise twice a day.

I don't think I'm going out to see any clients this week, so I should be able to walk to and from work each day.

Carlton
Take one Step at a time.

7 Bridge Walk around Sydney

This is the map of the 7 Bridge Walk I did yesterday with a friend off CK. It turned out to be a 24 km walk and all up I walked 28 km yesterday.

It took us all day to walk it. We started off at the Rocks and the 2nd half of the course was so hard. I didn't realise that Sydney was so hilly especially between Lane Cove and Milsons Point.

We had a great day and was for 4 great charities.

I was so tired and sore last night. Still a bit sore today and it's hard to walk sometimes. Hope this goes away.

I also made by October goal this morning. Very excited about that. Now time to focus on my christmas goal.

I also make an agreement with my CK friend to kick my butt if I don't exercise during the working week. I have to look my best for when David comes to visit. Yes he has agreed to visit me instead of me going to see him. Just need to work out when but the project he is doing in Nigeria will probably decide that.

Carlton

One Step at a time.

Can't believe there is 1 single sweet guy in the world.

Yes as the title suggests I can't believe how sweet David (yes that's his name) is. I got the following email this morning from him, whilst reading it, it is fairly similar to yesterday's one. I think there is only a few lines different.

God must have had you in mind,
When He spread stars in the sky;
For I can see them twinkling,
Every time I look into your eyes.

He must have been thinking of you,
When He made the moon and the sun;
He knew that they would shine down on you,
Like you were the only one.

I know when He made the mountains,
The beautiful flowers and morning dew;
When He looked at the masterpiece of what He'd done,
He had to be thinking of you.

When He created all humanity,
You had to be on His mind;
Looking across all the generations,
He made you one of a kind.

I know when the very first laughter,
Spilled over from Heaven's place;
God knew one day He would hear you laugh too,
And a smile spread across His face.
You had to be on His mind,
When He gave His only one Son;
For He gave him up to die for you,
As if you were his chosen one.

I'm so glad God had you in mind,
Looking down from the Heavens above;
When it was my turn to get that special someone,
And he sent You, for me to love.

Ok David was actually born in USA and migrated to UK about 6 years ago for work. He is currently working on a project in Nigeria and the phone system suxs big time.

Yah I got to speak with David (that's the guys name) last night, but we only got to speak for 3 mins before getting cut off. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Bloody Nigeria and its lack of phone service.He's working in Nigeria at the moment and apparently it took him an hour to get through to me. Very bad service in Nigeria. I so hope we can chat again soon. I've been trying to ring him back but can't get through. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr he sounds so good on the phone, his accent is a mix between American and English.

All up we actually spoke for only 5 mins but it was so cool and good to hear his voice. In the end we went back to chatting via yahoo messenger. Its also cheaper too............

I'm rather excited about life at the moment and it was so great to talk to him on the phone last night, even if it was only for a few mins. I so hate the Nigerian phone system and he is there for at least a month. Its going to drive me insane. We talked about meeting up last night and I think I've talked him into coming to Australia, rather than me going to UK to met him. He sent me another beautiful poem this morning. Can't believe how sweet this man is. I sometime think it is too good to be true.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Made my morning.

When I checked my emails this morning I woke up to the following email from the man I've been chatting to on the net.

Whenever i miss you, a star falls from the skies;
So if one night you look up into the skies and you found no stars;
Then its all your fault cos you made me miss you toooooooooooo much.
have a pleasant day sweetie

Later during this morning I got the following email

God must have had you in mind,
When He spread stars in the sky;
For I can see them twinkling,
Every time I look into your eyes.

He must have been thinking of you,
When He made the moon and the sun;
He knew that they would shine down on you,
Like you were the only one.

I know when He made the mountains,
The beautiful flowers and morning dew;
When He looked at the masterpiece of what He'd done,
He had to be thinking of you.

When He created all humanity,
You had to be on His mind;
Looking across all the generations,
He made you one of a kind.

I know when the very first laughter,
Spilled over from Heaven's place;
God knew one day He would hear you laugh too,
And a smile spread across His face.

You had to be on His mind,
When He gave His only one Son;
For He gave him up to die for you,
As if you were his chosen one.

I'm so glad God had you in mind,
Looking down from the Heavens above;
When it was my turn to get that special someone,
And he sent You, for me to cherish

Ok the 2nd one is a little too religious for me but I think it was still very sweet of him to send me these.

Some times I think is this guy for real and are there really people out there that are this sweet. but I have to think outside the square of my past and realise that not all people are bad people and there are some nice ones out there.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

New Relationships.

I think I have found myself a potential new man. Only problem is I haven't met him yet and he lives on the other side of the world - UK. So far he is saying all the right things and doing all the right things as well. He travels for work and is in Asia at the moment and continues to make the effort to find a computer and be online for us to chat.

I've even told him about briefly about the stuff that's happened in my life over the past 3 years and he's reply was that makes it more reason for him to take care of me and look after me, physically and emotionally.

From our discussions he is such a sweet guy and has even given me his phone number already. Only problem is that I can't ring ISD from my home phone. If I have time, will ring the phone company and see about getting that changed.

I just can't seem to get enough of him. Not sure where this will all go considering the time differences and distance (half a world away) but we will see.

Sorry just had to share with you all. I actually love all of the attention this guy is giving me, even if it is only on line at this stage.

Yes before you all tell me to be very careful, I have already thought about this and will be very careful. Its not as if I'm about to pack up and move to London to be with this guy I hardly know. Its just exciting getting some positive attention from a guy and getting to know someone new.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

D day has arrived for my Interview.

Well today was D Day, yes it has come around so very fast. I feel like I haven't had enough time to prepare for my interview this afternoon but then again no matter how much I revise my presentation all I want to do is change it.

About 6 p.m. got home from the interview. It was in the city and wasn't until 3.30 p.m. today. I was incredible nervous all day to the point I had problems eating but the closer the time of the interview came the calmer I got. I think the interview went well and I did my best. I'm actually pretty happy with how it all went overall.

There comments were that I did really well and they like the visual aids and the actual power point presentation format that I used. I think I even got a few more brownie points as I had copies of the presentation for them to keep. They said I asked some very good questions and like that I had put in a lot of research and preparation of the interview.

When I asked for feedback and if I had any gaps to work on, all they would say is that I did really well and they will go away and look at the 3 interviews and let us know within 2 days.

The actual job is with the company I already work for, so I will be just an internal transfer. They also told me that they only interviewed 3 people for the role and I actually work with one of them.

I gave it my best shot and if I don't get it I'm happy that I got to the final 3 and I gave it a go. I will find out within the next few days if I got it or not.

The whole experience has made me feel very motivated and that I can do anything I want to.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

October 2006 Goal

My goal for the month of October is to reach double figures for the very last time. Well I weighted in yesterday and I'm getting closer. Just under 1 kilos to go to my goal and 10 days to do it.

I' m very excited about it. I can do it.

Life has been very busy the past week, yet again I'm doing 3 jobs. A few weeks ago I applied for another job with the company I work for and I got an interview. In fact the interview is tomorrow afternoon and will go for 90 Min's. During this interview I have to do a 15 min presentation and spend much of the past week focusing on this and my interview technique. I will be so clad when this interview is over and I can relax a little, well that is until they tell me if I got the job or not.

Well I better go and do some more preparation for this interview. The job I applied for is one that I want to get very much, I have always wanted to get into this type of work but have never had the courage or confidence to apply for the roles.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr my life the past week.

Work is just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr at the moment. so much pressure coming from the boss about finding new lending deals its not funny......... As my assistant is on leave and the other manager has had to take leave (both her parents are sick), he expects me to do it all plus go out and find new business........................... To make is worse I am so over this job. I want and need a change......................... The boss is great but has so been on my back the past few weeks, what am an a bloody miracle worker......... With doing 3 jobs again, when do I have the time to find new business........................
Sorry for the whinge but this is just one of the many things going around in my mind at the moment. I do have a job interview on Monday afternoon and because I'm so busy at work, have to prepare for it, including the 15 min presentation I need to do as part of it at home. The interview is expected to go for 90 mins. I so hope I get this job, its a job I have always wanted to do but have either never had the confidence to apply for it or enough experience to do it.

My love life is also grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr exbf still wants to get back together but from what I am seeing it's only for 2 reasons, he wants the sex and in his adult life he has never been single and doesn't like the feeling of being single. For me that's not good enough reasons. I have told him all I am offering is my friendship and see where that takes us. We spoke the other night for a 90 mins regarding life and our relationship and I'm still only prepared to give him friendship. He is coming to Sydney in a few weeks time and it will be the first time I will have seen him since we split up. It will be an interesting but hard time, especially with all of the feelings I still have for him and the sex with him was fantastic. I do miss it but am not prepared to settle for 2nd best. I need to be strong with my decisions about our relationship and not cave in and have sex.

In the meantime last week I met a guy on line who wants to do the friends with benefits thing. Normally I wouldn't do that but he is so cute and its been a while I actually thought about it. We have been emailling each other and things go rather heated. He so wants to met me but the more things go on the more I'm not keen to do the friends with benefits. I think I better be honest with him and tell him this. I also have a few other men wanting to get to know me as well.

When I spoke with exbf the other night I was honest with him and told him about these other guys interested in seeing me etc. I wasn't sure how he would take it and seemed to take things rather well. He even told me to go and have some fun with them but that's not me.

I was so hoping that blogging this would help but not sure that it has. It has given me even more to think about. I'm not enjoying my life at the moment.

Carlton
Take one step at a time.

Light Bulb Moments

Yes I had several light bulb moments tonight and they came during a conversation with exbf.

We were talking about lots of different things including how hard it has been for both of us following the split up, how he misses the sex and just having someone there for him. To a point I too miss this, but not enough to go back to a bad relationship. I told him I could still be there for him but as his friend only.

The conversation went on a bit more and it sounded like he was trying to manipulate the conversation and convince me to get back together. Until a few little while ago, I probably would have jumped at the chance to go back, just so I could say I have a bf and someone in my life. I now know that's not what I want in life. I actually confronted him about this and said that if I didn't know better that he was trying to convince me that we should get back together and he actually said he was. I told him all I was interested in was trying to be his friend and things would need to dramatically change prior to even thinking about anything else. We would need to communicate effectively and try to be friends first and most importantly, there is not going to be any sex between us. I also told him that if he came to visit I would be able to resist him and he would be sleeping in the spare room.

At the end of the day all he wants is sex and he isn't going to get it from me. He has a lot of baggage in his life that needs to be sorted out before he can go into another relationship. Whilst I would like to have someone in my life I'm also not ready for such a commitment either. I have lots of things I need to sort out in my life and about myself.

I have been through a lot of stuff, some good but mostly bad during the past 3 years and feel that I am finally coming out the other side, which is a good feeling in it self. I am also finally discovering that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for and I am no longer going to take 2nd best.

The light bulb moments are:-

1. Standing up for myself and confronting exbf about his manipulation.
2. Telling exbf that we will not be having sex again and that yes I can resist him.
3. That I only want to be his friend, nothing more.
4. I deserve more than what he has to offer.
5. I am a strong person and I have control over my life.

I am very proud with myself on how I handled the discussion. I also came away feeling good about myself and how I handled the conversation.

I even told him some of the things that I want in a partner:-

* Some one who loves me for who I am,
* Doesn't take me for granted,
* Does what he says he is going to do, when he says he is going to do it.
* Makes me laugh and laughs with me (not at me).
* I feel comfortable with and love spending time with.
* Makes me feel loved.
* Someone I can spoil and spoil me.
* Seems like I missed the most important one of all and that's friendship. Would be lost without this one.
* A few common interests.

At this point in time, he can't give me any of this, so I'm not interested in being his girlfriend.

This might not seem like much of a break through, but they are very big steps for me, especially when I do feel vunerable about being single and wanting to have company in my life.

Sorry for carrying on for so long but needed to get a few things off my chest regarding this part of my life. I also appear to be back in the grove and am getting on with my life.

Carlton
Take one Step at Time.

Weight Loss Goals

Hi everyone I thought is was time I updated you all on my latest weight loss goals. I haven't meantioned losing weight for a while and you all probably thought I'd given up on it. Well I haven't.

My first goal is to get to double digits again by the end of October 2006.
This time its going to be for good. Yes I have been in double digits twice during this journey but due to stress etc I've found by self back in triple digits. Well enough is enough and its time for them to go. The good news is I am getting closer to double digits and am only 2.3 kilos away.

My 2nd goal is to be under 90 kilos by the end of 2006. This will be a bit of a stretch but if I stay focused and exercise everyday I can do it.

Some of you know that I had a car accident early September and there was $7500 damage to it. Well I thought I'd post some photos for you to see. The good news is that the car is all fixed now and looks brand new.


This is one of the photos.








This is from the other angle.







As the accident happened on a Saturday morning it took them just over a week to fix the car. Which I thought was pretty good.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR - CATS

The Grrrrrrrrrrrrr is aimed at Zelda (pictured here). I spend most of yesterday trying to occupy my dad, my brother and myself as it was the anniversary of mum's death.

Well I got home a lot later than I thought I would and the cats didn't like it. When I was feeding the cats and cleaning up the kitty litter mess, Zelda decided that she had to pee on the carpet next to one of my audio stands. That alone would have made me mad but she also had to pee on my Italian leather handbag, some F1 merchandise I haven't gotten framed yet (now it smells of cat pee) and right on the power board. The only way I knew was I heard this hissing or sizzling noise and went to investigate. When I did I saw smoke coming out of it and the sizzling of liquid.

I am so angry with her, she hasn't had much to do with me since. I keep thinking that if this had happened when I wasn't home then it could have turned ugly and started a fire.

Sorry just had to whinge about this and get it out of my system.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

1st Anniversary

Today is a special day, its the first anniversary of my mum's death. I can't believe 12 months has past, it has gone so fast.

It seems like only a few months ago that we spend the weekend in the hospital very sadly watching her die and not being able to do anything about it.

The picture here is my mum on her wedding day - 14/11/54. As this is such a lovely dress and picture, I thought I'd share it will you all.

Whilst I have spend the past 12 months mourning my mum and been going through so tough times, today is the day that I have to start living again.

Mum would want me to live again and would probably be a little disappointed with my reaction over the past 12 months. But what is done is done. My mum was such a special person who I could talk to about anything and would not judge me too much. She would just listen and then try to help me out. She would also do anything for me and go without if I needed something.

From today on it's time to look after myself and life life again. I will never forget my mum and I hope that the pain of losing her will start to subside a little.

I'm off shortly to the cemetery and visit her cremation plot.

Carlton
Take one step at a time.

Yes I'm still around

Sorry guys I am still around and sorry for not posting for a while. Just realised it's been a month. Didn't realise it was that long.

To be honest my mind hasn't been in the right place to blogg. Sorry about that. My break up with exbf has taken its toll on me more emotionally, than I thought it would. We spoke on the phone tonite for the first time since we split and it was hard. Very emotional for me, I spend some of the time crying and I actually felt worse than when we started. I'm thinking that it was too soon for us to actually talk on the phone. We have been sending the odd text message and that I can handle but can't seem to handle talking to him just yet. Wonder if I ever will.

One thing I found good with our talking was that it took him about 45 mins into the conversation for him to say something that annoyed me and that he is having a hard time getting over the relationship as well.

I'm still feeling pretty down about my life at the moment and feeling rather down.

My weight has gone up and down a few kilos since the break up and its starting to annoy me. I'm feeling very fat at the moment.

Well better go and get some sleep so I can get up early tomorrow and walk to work.

Carlton
Take one Step at a time.

Don't you Quit

DON'T YOU QUIT

When you've eaten too much and you can't write it down,
And you feel like the biggest failure in town.
When you want to give up just because you gave in,
and forget all about being healthy and thin.

So What!

You went over your calories a bit,
It's your next move that counts...So DON'T YOU QUIT!
It's a moment of truth,
it's an attitude change.

It's learning the skills to get back in your range.
It's telling yourself, "You've done great up till now.
You can take on this challenge and beat it somehow."

It's part of your journey toward reaching your goal.
You're still gonna make it, just stay in control.
To stumble and fall is not a disgrace, if you summon the will to get back in the race.
But, often the struggler's, when losing their grip,
Just throw in the towel and continue to slip.

And learn too late when the damage is done,that the race wasn't over...they still could have won.
Lifestyle change can be awkward and slow,but facing each challenge will help you grow.
Success is failure turned inside out,the silver tint in a cloud of doubt.
When you're pushing to the brink, just refuse to submit,
If you bite it, you write it...But

DON'T YOU QUIT !!!-

Author Unknown -

Carlton
One Step at a Time

Such an Emotional Day

I've had a rather rough day today emotionally. I've felt very flat, low and just lonely.

I've been so tempted to ring ex today to talk to him, didn't really have anything to say to him, just wanted to hear his voice. But I've keept strong and but keep telling myself I don't need to do that. Might just make me a little more emotional.

Tonight has been extremely tough, as I miss him so much. I'm glad I'm going away on Tuesday for a week and that will take my mind off him but its just so hard at the moment. I thought I was doing rather well up until today as I hadn't cried about the breakup since Saturday morning but tonight the flood gates opened up again.

I so hate looking at the reminders of him, like the things he bought me. Just makes it so much harder.

This part of life just sucks big time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for rambing on but just had to get it out of me.

Carlton :
Take One Step at a Time.

Single Again

As the title indicated my partner and I have split up again. This time it is for good as far as I am concerned. He was us to be friends but that hasn't worked in the past and we get back into a relationship of some sorts. I have told him that as I don't want to be just friends, then all ties need to be cut and that I don't want anything to do with him again. I do not want him to ring me, email or visit me. It may should a little harsh as we have had some sort of relationship for over 4 1/2 years but it is the only way that I am going to be able to move on and get on with my life. I need to be selfish with this one. Needless to say he wasn't pleased.

The break up happened tonight and needless to say I've spend the past few hours crying and not being able to sleep. Not sure if I will be able to sleep but I will need to try as I have a very busy day at work tomorrow before I go on holidays for 2 weeks.

Things have been pretty rocky for the past month and if I honest with myself, I knew that the breakup was coming, but it still doesn't make it easy. I would so love to have him in my life as a friend but I can't do friends just now. Its too painful, maybe one day.

Now it is time for me to focus on me for a change and get on with my life and start losing some of this weight that I have regained.


Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

Find Your Fairy

I found this site via an on line buddy of mine, Bec.

The online fairy site is found at http://www.emmadavies.net

My fairy is called Columbine Elftree
She is a cheerful sprite.
She lives in mushroom fields and quiet meadows.
She is only seen when the first leaves fall from the trees.
She wears lilac and purple like columbine flowers. She has delicate green wings like a cicada.

I so love lilac and purple and great to see my fairy wears these colours.


Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Dr Phil's book the Ultimate Weight Loss Challenge

I've owned this book for approximately 2 1/2 years and have never fully read it. It seems when ever I start it something distracts me and I never finish it. I've decided that one of my goals this year is not only read the book but to put the keys into practice.

Key 1: Right Thinking
Lay aside self-defeating, invalid mindsets that do not work. They have the power to keep you from making different choices or developing new behaviors. Too often, we let these negative notions go unchallenged, and we act as though they were true. You must monitor what you're thinking and challenge whether it is true. If it's not working, replace it with thinking that works.

Key 2: Healing Feelings
Overcome emotional overeating by managing inappropriate reactions to stress; solving problems rather than dwelling on them; changing self-defeating thoughts, since more often than not, feelings follow thoughts; gaining closure on unfinished emotional business; and learning new ways to cope without resorting to food.

Key 2 is a big one for me.

Key 3: A No-Fail Environment
Design your world so that you can't help but succeed. This involves removing temptations to eat and rearranging your schedule in order to avoid or minimize triggers to overeat.

Key 4: Mastery Over Food and Impulse Eating
There's only one reason why you haven't changed the bad stuff in your life. You're getting something out of it. I'm not saying that you're getting something healthy or positive, but people do not continue in situations, attitudes or actions that do not give them a payoff. This key helps you identify those payoffs, unplug from them, and replace bad habits with healthy behavior.

Key 5: High-Response Cost, High-Yield Nutrition
To lose weight, you must choose foods that support good behavioral control over your eating, that is, high-response cost, high-yield foods, organized into a moderate, balanced, calorie-controlled plan to ensure weight loss.

Key 6: Intentional Exercise
Prioritize regular exercise into your life most days of the week — walking, jogging, aerobic dance classes, yoga, playing a sport, or lifting weights. Exercise does more than simply burn calories; it changes your self-perception so you stop labeling yourself as a couch potato.

Key 7: Your Circle of Support
Surround yourself with supportive, like-minded people who want you to lose weight and succeed at your health and fitness efforts.

from drphill.com

I was reading some old posts on Mary's blog and came across the above keys. It reminded me how far I have to go before getting my life under control and today is the first step towards doing just that.

Carlton
One Step at a time.

Confused

I'm a little confused with my actions at the moment, I so want to lose weight and be healthy but I keep sabotaging my efforts.

I have not tracked or eaten well during the past 3 days. I know it is related to my thoughts and feelings and what I feel about myself.

As a result of this I have changed my saying from Never pay for the same kilo twice to One Step at a time. This new saying is more in line with where I am at with my weight loss or lack of weight loss journey at the moment.

I would like to thank everyone for their kinds words over the past few days. I really appreciate it and have taken it all on board. I especially thank Mary for her kind words. I know I need to exercise and really hate getting up early to do it but I am going to make the effort to do so, as I am worth it.

My plan for exercise this week is:-

Tuesday - Walk to work 3.5 kms done & took 40 mins and walk home 3.5 km's done and took 40 mins.
Wednesday - Walk to work 3.5 kms done and took 40 mins and walk home 3.5 km's.
Thursday - Walk before work 30 mins and lunchtime walk on the treadmill - 30 mins.
Friday - Walk to work 3.5 kms and walk home 3.5 km's.

This will mean I will need to get up at 6.30 am instead of 7 a.m. and I can do it for me. Getting up 30 mins earlier might not seem much to some of you but it is huge for me. I am a night time person, who loves staying up till the early hours of the morning and hate getting up before 10 a.m.

Will update my progress as I do it.

Carlton
One step at a time.

New Beginnings

Weigh in was tonight and I found out why I am feeling so fat and like a pig at the moment. I have put on so much weight in the last 2 months its not funny.

Tomorrow is the start of a new weight watchers week for me and the start of new beginnings. I am going to be focused, exercise every day and track (try to stick to my 22 points). I already understand how out of control my eating is at the moment, and I hoping that this will help me curb my bad habits.

I tracked all of my food and points today via my weight loss blog, which was really good and made me feel really accountable to you all. I have begun to understand that just because people don't post comments, doesn't mean people are reading my blogs and understanding or relating to me.

I actually had so much fun tracking today, I will do it again tomorrow.

I am going to set the alarm 30 mins earlier than normal and am going to go for a walk before I go to work. I am also going to try to get to the gym for 30 mins at lunch tomorrow as well but will need to see how the day goes.

My relationship with the partner is a little tense at the moment and not really sure why. The distance between us isn't really helping as we can't just sit down and talk about things, but I also like having this distance between us. Will need to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow night when I go.

Work is also getting pretty stressful at the moment. Lending money to business clients is quite hard to do at the moment, due to competition. Its hard to compete when some banks price deals just to win them and write them at any rate. Gone are the days when clients care about paying for a personal business banking manager and on going service, now all they care about is who is giving them the lowest price. This makes my job so hard to do. The pressure is starting to come from higher than my manager and is making it extra hard. I am starting to be so over all of this and thinking about walking away from it all.

Sorry to blubber on so much/long but I need to get it out of my system.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Eating out of control

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I have lost the plot with my eating. I orginally thought it was because I was nervous about meeting the other bloggers at the bloggers dinner last saturday night. Saturday night has been and gone and I survied and had a great night. Now I know it wasn't caused by this, as I still can't stop eating. I am on 22 points on ww and eat more than that not sure how much more as I haven't seriously been tracking. I so want to lose weight and understand that it will take some time. I would like to be an 70's girl by the end of 2006 but I realise that isn't really realistic for me, so I'll refocus and say I'd love to be an 80's girl by the end of 2006.

I'm also scared about weighing in tomorrow night because of how much I feel I have put on. I also think that I now weight more than when I joined weight watchers about a month. I feel so ashamed and so fat.

I realise that tomorrow is another day and that I can start again but how do I stop overeating for the sake of overeating??????????? I also need to start exercising as well and go back to the gym, even if I just use the treadmill.

Tomorrow is another day and the restart of this journey. I will take tomorrow as a separate day and focus all my energy on tracking and doing a little bit of exercise and not worry about any other day.

I decided to create a separate blog for my tracking, exercise and weigh in results, which can be found at http://carlton-weightloss.blogspot.com/. This will see me being accountable to you all and help me to stay on track.

This is a huge move, from my point of view and welcome your comments on this. I so want to look so much better next time I meet any of you.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Blogger Dinner and my weekend

Saturday nite I went to the Sydney bloggers dinner and met so many lovely ladies. I'm pinching myself that I actually went, as I hadn't met any of them before in real life and only knew a few of them from their blogs and emails. There were lots of ladies that I either didn't know anything about or had only read their blogs once or twice, which made it rather scary as well.

The nite went so fast and I had such a great time. It was a pitty that I didn't have time to talk to most people over the night as there were 18 of us at dinner. I can't wait for the next dinner/lunch, outing etc and get to know everyone better. It was a shame the food wasn't the best but the company well and truely made up for it. Mary did a great job organising it and making sure everyone was happy and looked after.

I'm still having a hard time believing I went to the dinner, as it is so out of my comfort zone and not something I would normally do. Up until being asked to go my Me I had gone to great lengths in keeping my real identy on the net a very big secret. This whole experience shows me that I am starting to let down the walls I've put up around me and let people in to know the real me. I am also starting to let go of my hang ups and getting back on with my life.

My partner came down for the weekend and had a fairly good weekend. I was rather sick on Sunday morning and originally thought it was a combination of too much drinking on Saturday night and not very nice food. In the end I think it might have been a touch of food poisoning. I'm still not feeling the best and again have a touch of gastro as well today. If I'm not feeling better tomorrow will go back to doctors and get something.

As a lot of you know, I've been spending lots of time organising my townhouse, making it look like a home and chucking out all of the crap that I had been hording over the past 8 years. Yes I am a big horder and am trying to stop doing it. My partner couldn't believe the changes I'd made since the last time he came to visit and was very impressed. He asked me how long had it taken and when I said weeks, he was very surprised. He was meant to come to Sydney the weekend before but as I was too sick to go to his aunty's birthday party, he didn't come down.

Down side of the weekend was that I forgot to change the batteries in my camera on Saturday night so I couldn't take any photos. Also as I wasn't feeling well on Sunday, I forgot to take the recharable batteries, so I couldn't take any photo's when we went out to Oran Park yesterday for the V8 racing. We didn't get there as early as I would have liked but that was because my partner and I had a bit of a lie in and I was throwing up until about 10 a.m.

My eating hasn't been the best during the past week and I think that had to do with be stressing out over the bloggers dinner. Well that's over with now and I survived it. Time to get back to eating well, tracking and getting back on track. I'm sure I've put on weight but I'm not going to stress out it. Whats done is done. I will start again tomorrow and begin to make healty choices.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

My weight loss journey

These pictures are courtesy of the my virtual model website and is based on my revised starting weight at weight watchers on 19/7/06.

I have been spending the past few days reflecting on my weight loss journey or lack of it over the past the past 9 months, since my mum died and realised that I put on 7 kilos during this time. This weight gain is despite making several attempts to lose weight via other weight loss centers and diets. Yes I have had a lot on my plate during this time but when I look back at it I have been using these as an excuse and using the poor little old me card. For me to achieve the next picture I'm going to post, this poor little old me, has to stop and I would like all of your help with this. Please, if I resort back to the poor little old me stuff, kick my butt and kick it really hard.

This next picture is of me when I get to my goal weight and whilst I'm the one that actually needs to lose the weight and do the exercise I do need help doing so. Can you please help me out.

Yesterday I spent some time focusing on my weight loss goals and making a power point presentation to inspire me to stay on track. I have placed copies of this presentation around my bedroom, bathroom, on the fridge and pantry. I have included things like, I can do this, do you need to eat this, I am beautiful, how it is going to get you to your goal, I never want to look like the the zoo picture again etc. I have included the picture from the zoo as my inspiration, as after looking at this picture I rejoined weight watchers for the final time.

I am going to lose the weight this time. So far I have lost 2 kilos which is great and have another 41 kilos to go to look like the 2nd picture.

To help me along the way I have made the following goals. I am now concentrating on working out what rewards I will give myself for making these goals. My first weekly goal reward is to be a pedicure.

My ultimate goals are:-

1. To lose 43 kilos.
2. To feel healthy and strong
3. To wear a size 10 clothing (Australian sizes)
4. To love myself.

My monthly goal:-

1. To lose 5 kilos in August 2006.
2. I will plan all of my meals.
3. I will track and stay within points every day.
4. I will exercise for a min of 30 mins every day.
5. I will run 1 km without stopping.

My weekly goal:-

1. I will lose 1.1 kilos this week.
2. I will go for 3 walks and 2 gym sessions this week (I left my gym stuff at work and am off sick at the moment).
3. If it is raining, I will do an exercise video instead of walking.

Daily goals:-
1. I will exercise today.
2. I will track my food today.
3. I will make healthy choices and avoid take away food where possible.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice
I can do anything I wish to do.

Did you know???????????

I found some interesting and useless facts I thought I'd share with you all.

Did you know??????????????

1. A tipe rope walker is called a funambulist.
2. Flounders swim sideways
3. A human eye can, given enough time to adjust, see almost as well as an owl's.
4. The rush of air produced by a cough can approach 1000km an hour. (scary seeing I've been coughing for over a week now).
5. Greyhounds eyesight is the best of any bread of dog.
6. In the time it takes to read this sentence, 50,000 cells in your body will die and be replaced.
7. It takes a tonne of ore to produce one gold wedding ring.
8. 214 crates were used to transport the Statue of Liberty from France to New York in 1885.
9. The only thing that can destroy a diamond is intense heat.

Hope you have great day.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Still Sick

Yes I am still sick and so sick of being sick. I'm am so over coughing, sneezing, blowing my nose and generally feeling horrible, coughing up fleum etc.

I did go back to work yesterday and didn't do much but spread my germs around the place. Today I also went back to work but left 2 hours after getting there, as I was too sick to be there in the first place.

I finally went to the dr's this arvo and he has given me until Thursday off, when I rang my boss to tell him, he suggested that I also take Friday off and come back to work on Tuesday. Monday is Bank holiday. This way I can have good week to rest, relax and get over my germs.

My Dr even gave me penicillin to help get me better. I don't think I have ever had penicillin before so this will be interesting.

Just did a load of washing and must have left a tissue in it, as there is now tissues everywhere and will have to put everything in the dryer to dry and this will also get rid of all of the pits of tissues.

Well better go back to bed and rest up some more.

Carlton

Never pay for the same kilo twice

Oh What a Day

This is a picture of my cat Zac who was the cause of my stress and frustration today.

I took Zac and my other cat Zelda over to my dad's place this afternoon so they could spend some time with him and spend some time in his backyard.

I let Zac and Zelda out the back yard at 2 p.m. and then spent some time doing my cross stitch. At 2.30 p.m. I decided to check on them and could only find Zelda. The stress and frustration came when I discovered that the side gate was opened and I couldn't find Zac anywhere. He wasn't coming to his name being called and the shaking of treat packets. I, my dad and my brother searched everyone in the backyard and under the house, still nothing. I took to walking the streets and calling out his name, still nothing. My dad and brother gave up searching but I kept searching the streets and every so often coming back and searching the backyard and under the house again, but nothing. Eventually at 4.45 p.m. I get a text message from my brother telling me Zac had been found. I was so happy but angry at the same time.

We do not know where Zac spend this time as when he had, had enough exploring he walked up the back steps and tried to get back in the house (I had closed the door so I at least knew where Zelda was during the search) and was meowing at Zelda through the door. My brother thinks the whole thing was funny and that Zac shouldn't be in trouble because at least he came home.

You need to bear in mind that Zac is a 4 year old indoor cat who hasn't been exposed for great length of time to the outside world and has no street sense. During his missing time I was in tears, hysterical and thinking how to I explain to my partner that Zac got out and is now missing. Zac is his favourite cat. Also I wasn't looking forward to Zelda pinning for Zac, apparently she was walking about the lounge room looking for him and wondering what was going on.

I am glad it all worked out in the end and in future I will check the side gate to make sure it is locked.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Not much happening at the moment

Yes as the title indicates, not much is happening in my life at the moment. I'm sick with the flu and have spend the better part of the past few days in bed.

I did go and spend some time with my dad yesterday afternoon, took him to the cementary to see mum's cremation plot and then we went shopping and had lunch. Normally I'd also stay for dinner but came home early as I wasn't feeling well.

Spoke with bf last night regarding how he is going and our relationship. Have discovered he doesn't like being referred to as bf and would much prefer to be called my partner. So going forward I will respect his request and refer to him as my partner. He is going really well but I do miss him greatly. I also can't believe that I have never felt more at ease and happy in a relationship with him. Even at the very beginning over 4 years ago, I was always stressed about something.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Cleaning - Yes that horrible word again

If you have been reading my previous blogs, I have been spending a lot of time uncluttering my townhouse now that bf's stuff has gone. It still seems weird calling him bf again and not exbf.

I can't believe how much stuff, mainly junk/paper I have kept of the past 8 years I've lived in this house. Whilst it was a while ago, 3 years infact, that I did the last major clean up (when bf moved in) and chucked a lot of stuff out, I still can't believe all of the paper I have kept since then. I still need to do a good dusting and vacum the whole house, I must say it is starting to look good and like a home you would be happy to invite people over to.

Yesterday afternoon and last night I spend some time uncluttering my bedroom. I even rearranged the bedroom and just by moving a few small items, it looks so much better.

My eating hasn't been the best during the past week, mainly due to me having visitors and being out of my normal routine. As some of you know that I joined sureslim last March and whilst the program is good, it not something that I find myself sticking to, so I decided that I had to do something with my weight and I rejoined Weight Watchers last Wednesday night. It wasn't the ideal time to do it with visitors coming to stay but if I waited for the perfect time, it would never happen and I want to look and feel better for the C2S dinner in August. Ist weight in at Weight Watchers is tonight and not looking forward to it. I know that I have lost some weight this week but not as much as I would have liked.

I also had a really sore throat yesterday and woke up with the flu today. Not feeling the best and just want to curl up in front of the heater today and do nothing. Its a bit like the weather in Sydney today, raining and miserable.


Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

test

Just testing on how to resize my photo's using . I have also decided to add this photo to my profile. Will update it on a regular basis as I lose more weight.

Cat Heaven

Cat Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven.

God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing?

Are you happy?"The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice

Life at the moment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life, what can I say. Sorry for not posting for a while, however, I've had visitors and friends over for dinner etc during the past week and have been very busy.

I tried to upload a picture for this blog but am having trouble doing so and will have to go ahead without one.

Not sure how to begin this blog and this is going to be a long one, as so much has happened during the past week. I am enjoying my time off work and feel so relaxed and carefree at the moment.

Exbf was in Sydney for a few days and we spend some time together. Exbf and I had a few really long, deep & meaningful discussions over the weekend, mainly about life, our relationship and how things are going for him now he is living back with his parents. After much discussion we have decided to give our relationship another go. We actually sat down and discussed what we both want out of the relationship and have decided as a starting point, the following:-

1. Take things slowly.
2. To try and recreate what we had when we first of all got together.
3. Communication is very important.
4. Try not to control or put too much pressure on the other person.
5. Be exclusive.
6. Have fun together and enjoy the time we have together.
7. As he now lives 400 kms away we will try to see each other every 2nd weekend. Financially we both can't afford every weekend.
8. Give each other some space and share the STD phone calls.
9. I do not want to feel used and taken for granted.

These are in no particular order and may sound a little over the top but we need guidelines in this relationship. We tried it for 4 years without guidelines and not discussing what we both wanted or needed out of the relationship and it didn't work out. I need to feel secure in my decision to give the relationship another go, especially with him being 400 kms away and learning to trust him again.

We had a few hick ups over the weekend but were adult enough to talk about them and sort them out. Overall the weekend was a good one, not everything we planned to do happen but we spent a lot of time talking about things and seeing what we can do to make the relationship work. We had some good progress.

The house was very quiet and lonely when he left today. This morning we were going to go for a walk but by the time we got organized it started to rain and hasn't really stopped since. Needless to say we didn't go for the walk as I don't walk in the rain and we only had 1 small umbrella.

It's a little strange referring exbf to bf again but I'm sure I'll get use to it. It was only on Thursday night that I was discussing the relationship with my therapist and was telling her that we were taking about trying again but I was very causious about this and we needed to talk about it in some detail. I also said that I was comfortable in being single again but missed the company of him. Don't get me wrong we haven't gotten back together because we miss each other company, we generally want to be together etc.

Bf took the last of his stuff with him today and it is very strange not having his stuff here, as it has been here for 3 years. With all of bf's stuff gone from my house, this afternoon was a good time for me to reorganize my house.

I started in the kitchen and also decided to reorganize the benchers. I then started in the spare room and got out all of the boxes I have in the cupboard and through out all of the papers I had just stuffed in them. It felt so good to get these out of the house. I even went so far as to take all of the lace curtains down and wash them. As it was raining, I had to put them in the warm cycle in the dryer and I can't believe how white they actually are. I can't remember when they were last washed and bf actually thought they were a tan colour. That comment makes me feel what a bad house keeper I am. I even decided to wash all of the windows, inside only and would love to wash the outside ones but as I live in a townhouse it's not possible under water restrictions.

During my clean up I found a cross stitch I started about 4 years ago of my cat Teddy and never finished it. I even managed to spend a few hours tonight doing it.

Eating over the past week has been a little up and own but I have tried to make healthier choices. ItÂ’s so hard when you have people staying or over for dinner. Weigh in this week will be interesting. Dinner last night was relatively healthly choice. I cooked scotch fillet steaks, beans, carrots, onion, capscium & mushrooms and 3 cheese potato bake. The bad food was a toblerone cheescake. I did make sure that bf took some home today and my dad with get the remainder when I go over tomorrow to see him.

I am so enjoying my time at home and can't remember the last time I had holidays and didn't go way. It actually feels good and something I really needed. I feel very happy with myself today and had a great day cleaning and uncluttering my home.

Whilst I'm on this roll, my bedroom is on my list for tomorrow. It is looking so cluttered and messy at the moment. The Virgo is coming out in me despite bf trying to take the credit for all of my cleaning. His comment tonight was that he should come and stay more often if I'm going to spend the day spring cleaning when he leaves.

I must admit that I do hate and I mean hate cleaning but when I do it, I do it well and spend hours doing it.

Well I better go and try to get some sleep, I don't sleep well when its raining and its still raining pretty hard right now.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Trip to the Zoo

I never thought I'd ever post a photo of me in this blog as I originally used it just to vent from problems and frustrations. Its taken me about 7 months to feel so comfortable with the people that read this blog that I have decided unveil myself and post a photo of the real me. (My therapist and exbf would be so proud I've taken this step.).

This photo was taken yesterday outside the new elephant exhibition, but sadly there were no elephants to see. After seeming this photo, I look so huge and it reminds me of how much I have let myself go in the past few weeks. I am going to get back on track from tomorrow and put an effort into my life and appearance. My current inspiration is the online bloggers dinner I'm going to mid August in Sydney. I have never met any one who is going to this dinner and is a little daunting & exciting at the same time. (Again this is outside my comfort zone and this isn't something I thought I'd ever do either).

Yesterday I went to the Zoo with a girlfriend, her kids and her mother. It was such a great day, weather wise it started off sunny in Sydney but got a little cold and overcast in the afternoon.

I had such a great time walking around the zoo and taking lots of pictures. I felt so alive and free, like I didn't have a problem in the world. We were there for about 5 hours and everyone was so tired when we left.

It was a shame that there is so much work going on in the Zoo that half of the exhibitions are closed and that the Asian elephants aren't there yet.

When I got home all I wanted to do was relax and sleep. It didn't help that I had such a headache.

Today is a day of relaxation. I didn't get out of bed until 11.30 a.m. and am off to do the shopping and have my nails done soon.

Carlton.

Update

Hi everyone I'm back from my trip to Grenfell. Sorry I didn't post whilst I was away but wireless broadband was way too slow at exbf's parents place.

Time away was mostly good and whilst it rained a lot we did have lots of time to talk etc. It is really weird being around him cause some times it feels the past 2 years haven't occurred and that we have been together all along and other times, its really weird to have him around. It was good to spend some time together and have lots of close moments.

We had such a great time together and really opened up to each other, that we are even talking about seeing how things go and getting back together. We have both agreed to take things slowly and see what happens.

Leaving him in Grenfell was hard. I so didn't want to leave him. We were talking and mucking around a little in the bedroom before I left and I was in tears. It hurt so much to leave. We didn't eventually talk about this and my fear of us drifting apart and never seeing each other. I am also fearful that I get to see less of him now than I did before (long story there). I was pleased with his response of "well see what we can do about that".

Honestly I'm not really sure about getting back together, because I do not want to be hurt again and have my heart broken. I'm in two minds about everything. I love being with him and we did have a great long weekend together but I fear being hurt and used again. I think I should talk to him about this and take a risk of being a little vunerable.

I'm not sure his parents want to see us get back together, as they love having him home and all to themselves. I feel a little uncomfortable going to there place and ring him there, as I feel that I am always being watched and judged. Don't get me wrong they are lovely people and we get along really well but I just don't feel really comfortable around them. Might just be me and might be the emotional roll a coaster my life is at the moment.

Carlton

1st day of holidays

Today is the first day of my holidays. I've taken 2 1/2 weeks off from work.
Exbf comes home tomorrow and I'm a little nervous about it all.

I'm picking him up and then were going to have some lunch and talk about a few things. He wants to see his kids after lunch and then I will drive him to his parents place at Grenfell. I'm going to spend a few days at Grenfell and then come home and relax. He will be back in Sydney next week to see his daughter who turns 5 and wants to spend a few more days with me. I haven't decided yet if I can coupe with this. Will see how the few days go at this parents place.

The cats weren't happy last night, when I told them they are going on holidays to the vets, they don't like going. They seem to be really clingy today, going everywhere I go.

Had to get 2 new tyres on my car today and wheel alignment. I spend the rest of the morning shopping and then spend the afternoon cleaning my car and house. The house smells so clean and fresh. You have to love the Myers sale. I got 3 long sleeve t-shirts for $60 instead of $120. I so love a bargain.

I'll be taking my computer with me to Grenfell and sure hope that wireless broadband works out there.

I can't wait to do some relaxing things, as I so need a holiday. The red wine represents a few that I will have tonight and whilst I'm at Grenfell.

Carlton

My Journey

Thought I better do another update. Its been a while since I've been there. I managed to survive end of financial year, which for some reason wasn't as busy as last year with last minute loan requests.

My head has been all over the place lately. The new manager at work is doing my head in. I can't believe how someone can be so lasy and ready to palm off anything you can, especially when you've just started with a new company and are on probation. For someone who says that she managed a porfolio of 80 clients with lending up to $3million, she can't even speak to a client without help. Sorry whilst I do have high standards lending is lending which ever bank you work for. The basic questions are the same. You still need to ask:-

1. who's borrowing the funds.
2. what it is for.
3. how is it going to be repaid.
4. what is going to secure the loan.

All I have been asking her to do is ask the above questions and I will help her sort out the appropriate products, pricing etc.

Ok, she doesn't know the products and procedures but we can help her with that. For someone who has completed 4 years of Uni, she has no ability to retain any information and can not do anything without someone spoon feeding her.

I don't have time to spoon feed her with this job.
I do not have time to watch everything she does.
I do not have time to tell her what she needs to write in emails, letters etc.
I do not have time to sit in with every phone call etc.

I do expect that she can do the generic parts of the job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She has been working for this employer for 6 weeks now and with her so called experience as a relationship manager, she should be able to at least do the basic stuff. Am I really asking too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm also stressing about exbf coming home. He comes home on Thursday this week and whilst I am happy he is coming home, its also doing my head in as well. I've been so on edge all week about this, we've even had a few big fights over this. I've taken 2 1/2 weeks off work and will be so glad when he is home and at his parents place.

Carlton

Update

Just thought I'd drop in and say Hi. Yes I am still around just very busy at the moment.

Exbf's mother made a surprise visit last weekend and took some of his stuff.

Will catch up and post more when the financial year ends on 30/6/06.

Carlton

Update

Just a quick up date to let you all know that I am alright. I've been a bit unwell and motivation has been low. Yes I have been busy at work but also slack in updating my blog. I really couldn't be bother to do it last week.
Lost 200 grams last week due to my slackness.
Went shopping on Sunday and Monday morning and spend $1200. I got the following:-

2 black jackets for work.
2 brown jackets for work.
1 blue suit.
9 new shirts for work.
1 pair of black shoes.
1 pair of brown shoes.
6 pairs of tights (black, navy and brown).
5 pairs of socks (brown, tan and white).
1 pair of brown jeans
4 casual tops (black, blue, purple and brown).

You have to love the sale season. Myers and 1628 loved my business over the week. I only paid full price for 1 Brown Jacket and 2 shirts, everything else was on sale. Brown is starting to take over my wardrobe and replacing my love of blue.

I decided it was time to update my wardrobe, especially for work and the retail therapy was about all the exercise I did on the weekend.

I did go through my wardrobe including shoes, and donated 2 big black plastic bags of clothes and 1 big black plastic bag of shoes to St Vincies. My good deed for the weekend.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Weigh in Day

Weigh in day was yesterday and weighted in 95.7 kilos which is a loss of 1.2 kilos.

Which is a great result.

So far I've lost nearly 21 kilos in 18 months, and whilst it is really slow rate, I feel it is still good considering what stuff I've had to face during this time. I'm happy that I am still plodding along and haven't given up. I can do this and I will do this for me.

Exbf comes home in about 6 weeks so I've got just under 6 kilos to lose before he comes home to reach my goal. Exbf weighs in at 89 kilos (6 foot 3) and I'd love to weigh less than him when he comes home. I have six weeks to be very focused and exercise every day. It can be done.

I can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Listening to the Think Slim cd's is going really well. At the moment I'm listening to the 9th CD which helps to cover come cravings, sleeping deeper and better etc.

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice

Exercise Day

Felt a little better today. After a phone call with my local gp doubled by medication, he has said to see how I go and take one tablet in the morning and if I need another one take it at lunchtime. Today I took both of them.
Today was also an exercise day. I walked to work and managed to walk it in 30 mins. I was very amazed as I have never walked that quickly to work ever before. At lunchtime I went to the gym and did 20 mins on the x-trainer and 10 mins on the treadmill. I also walked home and walked fast again and walked it in 30 mins.

Don't have much else to say today.

I do feel a bit of a piggy after eating lots and lots of ice cream last night.

Decided to add both pictures as it shows the extremes I'm feeling at the moment.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and am still finding it difficult to give myself compliments today:-

1. Exercised 3 times today for 30 mins each.
2. Increased fitness levels.
3. stuck to my eating plan - which is good as I ate lots of ice cream last night when I was in a black hole.
4. ????????????????
5. ????????????????

Carlton
Never pay for the same kilo twice

Feeling very loney tonight

Feeling very loney and low tonight.

I so miss my mum and would love to chat to her about what's going on in my life. All I want to do is cry, cry and cry some more. Not really sure what's caused this tonight. I so want a cuddle and some understanding.

I hate being so unstable and emotional.

I thought I'd post this because I thought it might make me feel better, but it doesn't. Feel just as low before I started and don't really feel like I have done anything good today.

Still have to finish backing exbf's stuff and am determined to finish that tomorrow night. I will have a early night today due to being up till 1.30 a.m last night due to watching the F1 Gand Prix.

Carlton

Was Having a Great Day Until....................

A few days ago I send exbf an up to date picture of me so he could see how well I'm going losing my weight.

As the title indicates, I was having a great day until I spoke with exbf today. Our conversation started with how well and healthy I'm looking and how much of glow I've got. He even made the comment I'm looking good in the jeans I had on and that he doesn't see me in jeans all that often. My reply was I don't wear them all that often. In fact they are a little big for me now and I have to pull them up when ever I get up and do something.

Our conversation started out talking about our relationship and planning some of the things we are going to do when he comes home, yes it included some mucking around and close and personal time. What got me mad was not only did he asked me if I was still on the pill & if not was I going to go back on it but he also told me that we don't want to rely on condoms as they can break and he doesn't want to complicate our relationship. It wasn't really what he said it was how he said it. He already knows that I don't want any children and that I would do anything to prevent getting pregant.

Towards the end of the conversation when he realized I wasn't really participating in it he tried to bring me around by offering me compliments on how well I was looking and how proud he was of me. As if that is going to get him out of the shit.

The whole tone of our conversation went down hill from that point and all I wanted to do was to finish it. After speaking to him I realized that this conversation effected me so much that all I wanted to do was eat chocolate. When I went shopping I bought a packet of my favorite chocolate biscuits and then proceed to eat the packet. There are 12 biscuits in the packet and I could only eat 6 of them before I started to feel sick. Needless to say I stopped eating them and put them back in the fridge.

At this stage the exact date exbf will be home is yet to be determined as he needs to finalise a few things, it is now expected to be mid July and not end of July. That means I have only approx 6 weeks to lose 7 kilos. I will be under 90 kilos when he returns home. Time to get very focused. I will walk to work and back every day this week and stick to my exercise plan.

Ok I may have over reacted a little but he hurt me. We've been carrying on for the past few weeks like we did when we first of all got together. We have also been talking about our relationship and about how could start dating again but we would talk about it when he comes home. Plans we have been making also made me assume that's were we are heading towards getting back together in some fashion. Today he also came out and said that he was more comfortable about of relationship now that we were only friends and that any pressure was off him. He is such a bastard in that he wants to have things both ways and at this stage I don't want anything to do with him. He is meant to ring me tomorrow at home and I might just have to go out, otherwise I will be tempted to answer the phone.

My compliments today are.

1. I am happy I stopped at eating at 6 biscuits instead of the whole 12.

2. I am happy I exercised today.

3. I am happy with where I am at the moment.

4. I am happy that I recognized what got me upset. Whilst I couldn't speak to exbf about it, at least I reconsided it to myself.

5. I am happy that I posted here tonight because originally I wasn't going to as I couldn't be bothered.

I am happy that I have gotten all of this out and am no longer carring it around inside of me.

Thanks

Carlton

Never pay for the same kilo twice.