Your Hillbilly Name is

Your Hillbilly Name Is...

Loretta Lynne Crow

Hillbilly Name Generator

Now the above is based on the name of Carlton.


And the below is based on my true name given to me by my Mother.

Your Hillbilly Name Is...

Lil' Daisy Tucker

Hillbilly Name Generator

Carlton
Take One Step at a time

Are you a control Freak????

You Are 60% Control Freak

Generally, you are in control but not a control freak. You life is usually in order. However, sometimes you get too obsessed with making everything in your life picture perfect.

Are You A Control Freak?

I was actually a bit suprised with this outcome. I actually would have thought I'd sore a lot higher than I did. Well it appears I'm starting to get over all the crap that's happened in my life over the past 3 years and living again.

Thanks WBS for all these funnies. There great.

Carlton
Take One Step at at time.

How Nerdy are You?

Well I found this from WBS blog. Results mean:-

96% scored higher (more nerdy),
0% scored the same, and
4% scored lower (less nerdy).

What does this mean? Your nerdiness is:

Definitely not nerdy, you are probably cool.

Well I don't think I'm all that cool but I'll take it anyway LOL


Carlton
Take One Step at a Time

This is What Kind Of Flower You Are

I am a Canna What Flower Are You?

"You stand up for what you believe in, even if it gets in the way of what other people think. You are proud of yourself and your accomplishments and you enjoy letting people know that."

All I can say this flower is so me.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time

ANZAC Day 25 April 2007

ANZAC Day - 25 April - is probably Australia's most important national occasion. It marks the anniversary of the first major military action fought by Australian and New Zealand forces during the First World War. ANZAC stands for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. The soldiers in those forces quickly became known as ANZACs, and the pride they soon took in that name endures to this day.

Today markes the 92nd anniversary of this occassion and the 1st year anniversary of my brothers death. I have so many mixed emotions today.

For The Fallen

With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,

England mourns for her dead across the sea.

Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of her spirit,

Fallen in the cause of the free.

Solemn the drums thrill:

Death august and royal

Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres.

There is music in the midst of desolation

And a glory that shines upon our tears.
They went with songs to the battle, they were young,

Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.

They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,

They fell with their faces to the foe.
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.
They mingle not with their laughing comrades again;

They sit no more at familiar tables at home;

They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;

They sleep beyond England's foam.
But where our desires are and our hopes profound,

Felt as a well-spring that is hidden from sight,

To the innermost heart of their own land they are known

As the stars are known to the Night;
As the stars that shall be bright when we are dust,

Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain,

As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,

To the end, to the end, they remain.

By Laurence Binyon (1869-1943)

Hope everyone is having a good ANZAC day.

Carlton

Take One Step at a time

Weigh In results - week 2

Yesterday was weigh in day.

I weighed in at 108.4 kilos today which is a loss of 200 grams. Pretty good considering I too have struggled this week.

This week has been an interesting one, I was chatting to a guy online who doesn't life far from where I work and we seemed to be getting on well and decided to meet for lunch. To cut a very long story short things didn't go to plan and now we are no longer chatting.

On a similar front, I've been chatting on and off (via yahoo messenger) with another guy called John for the past 5 months and just thought it would be a friendship. Well things got a bit steamer over the weekend and we decided to get together and see how things go. It makes life a bit busier and a lot more exciting.

Carlton

Take one Step at a Time

Weigh In Day

Sorry I've been rather busy the past few days.

Today is weight in day for the challenge.

My start weight was 11o.3.

1st weigh in today was 108.6

Loss of 1.7 kilos.

Carlton

Take One Step at a Time.

I've been a bit slack the past few days

Like Rainbow my mood today hasn't been a good one. Everything and I mean everything has annoyed me today. It's been one of those days that I just should not have gotten out of bed.

I've been a bit slack the past few days and have let my tiredness and problems logging onto blogger at work, stop me from recording my food. Now if I can remember what I ate, then I will record it now.

Wednesday
Breakfast
Blueberry Muffin (didn't have time to have breakfast at home before the training course)

Snacks
1 chocolate brownie
1 mini meat pie
1 mini ham and cheese croissant

Lunch
1 ham, cheese, lettuce, tomato and avocado mixed grain sandwich
1 plate of fruit
1 small serve of Brie
1 small bottle of diet coke

Snacks
1 chocolate brownie
1 apple

Dinner
Will have to think about what I ate for dinner, as I can't remember at the moment.

Walked 30 mins

Thursday
Breakfast
Triple berry Light N Tasty cereal
1 cup of peaches
1 200g tub of yoghurt

Snacks
1 apple

Lunch
1 Subway Club salad with honey mustard dressing
1 apple

Snack
1 muesli bar

Dinner
2 weight watchers satay chicken wraps
2 chocolate easter eggs

Walked 60 mins

Friday
Breakfast
Triple berry Light N Tasty cereal
1 cup of peaches
1 200g tub of yoghurt

Snacks
1 pear
1 mandarin

Lunch
1 medium serve of Chinese vegetables stir fried with rice noodles
1 yoghurt
2 Terikyi Chicken Sushi rolls

Dinner
2 weight watchers Mediterranean chicken wraps

Walked 60 mins

My day was that bad that I so wanted to eat chocolate, I didn't have a craving for it, I think I just wanted to chew on something and I normally turn to chocolate when I have such a craving. Rainbow and I chatted out it this afternoon and threw around several alternative ideas, which I really apprecite. Thanks Rainbow for the chat, hope I didn't interupt your work too much.

You will all be pleased to know that so far, so good, no chocolate has been put into my mouth. Yes that's right, I did not eat it, didn't buy it, just proceed to do my work. I think by recognising my desire and why I actually wanted it seemed to work.

Feeling pretty good about my choices so far. I haven't really weighted myself this week, cause its TTOM and I retain fluid during this time.

I'm planning on doing more exercise this weekend and hoping for a good weight loss come Tuesday morning.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time

Day One of the Challenge

OK the June 5 challenge started today and so far so good. I was that busy at work today that I didn't have time to scratch myself let alone think of food, or even food that I have decided I'm not going to eat anymore.

So far today I have only exercised for 30 Min's but that is also 30 Min's more than yesterday or the day before. The night isn't over yet and whilst I am physically and mentally exhausted from work there is still time to get another 30 Min's of exercise in. Might just have to get out one of those exercise tapes/dvd's.
My food diary for today reads

Breakfast
30 grams of Light N Tasty - triple berry cereal
1/2 cup of skim milk
1/2 cup of tin fruit salad

Snack
1 small apple

Lunch
1 honey soy chicken stir fry with 1 cup of Jasmin rice

Dinner
1 Coles premade green salad
1 tin of salmon
1 200g tub of diet yoghurt

Snack
2 slices of toast with diet jam

I have also had 1 cup of coffee, 1 cup of green tea and 2 litres of water.

I know I might need to eat more than this and will re look at my food diary. I'm also on a course tomorrow all day and morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea are supplied. This will present a very big challenge for me and one I will have to tackle alone as I will not be in front of a computer to email Rainbow before I am tempted. I am planning on taking some fruit with me for my snacks and now I just have to remember to eat them instead of the pastries and biscuits.

Oh and the scales were not kind to me today. I weighted in at 110.3 kilos. I really can't blame anyone but myself, I'm the one who buys the food and I'm the one who places in it my mouth. TOM also arrived today so might just have to blame that as well.

On a different note I just need to vent a little about my job. I have been doing this job for about 4 years now and am getting a bit tired of it. My life and this job have both changed a lot over this time and I'm beginning to feel like I can't handle the stress of it anymore. I am also so sick of feeling stressed all of the time, so sick of doing 2 jobs (for most of the past 12 months), so sick of ungrateful clients I'm seriously considering that stress leave might be in order and talking to my RM about how I can't do this job anymore. Its just taking too much out of me and with the stress over my father's health, I just need a break.

Its time I looked after me as no one else is going to and finding a less stressful job, is all part of the journey I'm on right now.

9.22 p.m. I forgot to add the most exciting part. I said NO thank you, yes that's right NO to cadbury solid small easter eggs today. I knew that if I had one then that wouldn't satisfy me, so I didn't have them at all. Also at the nursing home tonight I could have easily had a easter mashmallow or some of Dad's small easter eggs and I did look at them with desire, but I also choose not too. Yes I made a very determined decision not to have any chocolate today or tonight. I am so pleased with myself.

Carlton
Take One 'Step at a Time.

June 5 Challenge Strategy

I chose this picture for this post only because I liked it and not because it has anything to do with this post.


If you have read my previous post today you will see that I'm struggling at the moment with my self believe and if I can do this Challenge or not.

OK below is my strategy for the June 5 Challenge.

1. I need some structure in my eating program so I am going to go back to the Core program of Weight Watchers. I have tried a few other programs during the past few years and they have not worked as well.
2. I will use my HRM to record my exercise calories.
3. Will exercise for minimum 60 minutes, 5 times a week minimum (each time burning 500 or more cals)
4. I will have a proper breakfast every morning.
5. I will drink 2.5 litres of water per day.
6. If I eat carbs, they will be low Gi.
7. I will stay away from highly processed food and eat food closer to their natural state.
8. I will not drink carbonated drinks like coke, light coke, coke zero and junk food like chips, cheezels, twisties.
9.I will use post my food diary on my blog and exercise diary every single day no matter what.
10.I will not buy chocolate but as I have a lot of it from easter, I will allow myself 1 small egg per week (preferably weekend). However, on these days I will need to exercise for 2 hours. (these eggs are 812 kj or 203 calories & 12 grams of fat).
11. I will post my thoughts, feelings, struggles every day on my blog.
12. I will ask for help when I need it.
13. I will not put too much pressure on myself to achieve and take one day as it comes.

I have a feeling that it might still be a work in progress and I will probably add to them as I think of more things to help me with the challenge.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Confused & Scared

I can't believe the Easter break is almost over and tomorrow I have to go back to work.

Also I can't believe that the challenge with Rainbow starts tomorrow. When I agreed to this challenge, it seemed so far away and I felt pretty good about things.

I'm feeling pretty confused, apprehensive and scared right now about this challenge. I'm scared because I don't feel very in control of my eating right now and afraid that it is pretty easy for me to slip back into emotional eating. I know that I need to lose weight and can't afford to buy new clothes for Winter but can I really do this? Can I eat well for more than 1 day in a row? Can I get up at 6 a.m. and exercise? Do I want this badly enough to succeed? So many questions that I need to answer.

As you can see my self esteem and belief in myself is pretty low at the moment and my head is not in a very good space. However, I'm wondering if I'm reacting this way as an excuse not to start this journey again, open myself up, improve myself, get back out in the world and live life again. Emotionally I'm still in a pretty fragile place after my failed relationships over the past 12 months and so afraid let my true self be shown. Overeating has always been a way to deal with my pain and hurt. Whilst my overeating has resulted in me being fat and unhappy it is also been my safety net. Can I or am I ready to peel away the layers of my safety net. Seriously I do not know.

At this point I do not know if I can do this, or at the moment if I really want join this Challenge. All I know is that I need to do this and I need to do this for me. So tomorrow I will get up at 6 a.m. and go for a 60 min walk and do my best to make healthy food options. Once tomorrow is over it is then time to focus on the next day. Its a day by day challenge for me at this stage.

I recognise that the majority of my posts have a negative tone to them at the moment, but that where my head space is right now. Things will improve as my journey goes on, but for me the commencement is the scariest part right now.

I hate the feeling of not being in control and I am not in control of my eating or emotions right now. I so have to remember this feeling as things go along.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone and hope you had a good day.

I had a pretty good day. We picked my dad up this morning and brought him home for the day. I think he enjoys this and had a good day. It just takes a lot out of him and on these days he is ready for bed about 5.30 p.m.

Well despite me asking for 1 small box of easter eggs, I managed to receive 48 egg (real eggs that is) size easter eggs. Chocolate is one of my real weaknesses. I have decided that I am allowed 2 of these eggs per week, 2 and only 2. This will be a real test for me but one that I am ready to overcome. I would love to be in control of chocolate. If I can't stop at 2 eggs per week, they will be given away to either my work mates or the other residences at the nursing home.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

The June 5 Challenge startes Tuesday 10 April 2007

Yes I am joining Rainbow in a challenge called The June 5 Challenge. This is a challenge to get us back in the zone and losing weight. This is an 8 week challenge, commencing on 10/4/07 and my goal is to lose 8 kilos during this time and my stretch goal is to lose 10 kilos. I really need to lose weight to fit into my winter clothes, as I don't have the money to buy new ones again this Winter.

I will clean out my fridge, freezer and pantry and throw out any food that doesn't fit into this challenge.

My strategy for this challenge is still a work in progress and some more thought needs to go into it. A draft strategy is as follows:-

1. I need some structure in my eating program so I am going to go back to the Core program of Weight Watchers. I have tried a few other programs during the past few years and they have not worked as well.

2. I will use my HRM to record my exercise calories.

3. Will exercise for minimum 60 minutes, 5 times a week minimum (each time burning 500 or more cals)

4. I will have a proper breakfast every morning.

5. I will drink 2.5 litres of water per day.

6. If I eat carbs, they will be low Gi.

7. I will stay away from highly processed food and eat food closer to their natural state.

8. I will not drink carbonated drinks like coke, light coke, coke zero and junk food like chips, cheezels, twisties.

9.I will use post my food diary on my blog and exercise diary every single day no matter what.

10.I will not eat or buy chocolate.

As I said this is my draft. I promise I will post my final list by the end of Monday. Any comments or suggestions will be gratefully received.

As a side issue. today is my 20 year anniversary for working with the company that I work for. I never actually thought I'd get here but its been an interesting journey. For 20 years service you get a certificate signed by the CEO, a gold watch and about 5% of your salary into your superannuation. We actually had a BBQ lunch at work yesterday and I received my certificate of service and my watch. It was all very exciting. Now I just have to wait for my letter to tell me exactly how much they put into my superannuation.

Carlton

Take One Step at a Time.

Time to get real.

Hi everyone. Its time for me to get real and get on with this journey of losing weight. The issues going on in my life are here to stay and really I just need to deal with them and find ways to work around them. I must remember that there are people worse off than me in this world.


I have taken 2 new photos of me tonight. They are below, they also show my new haircut (which everyone at work just loves). They are also the first step in me being accountable to you all. Rainbow and I are starting a fresh on Tuesday 10/4/2007. At this stage I'm not sure of what my weight is but I will weigh myself tomorrow and post that as well.







This one is taken in the bathroom doorway. As you can see I'm not feeling very happy about this photo or my life at the moment.








This one is taken in my bedroom a few minutes after the other one.








Rainbow and I have decided to break this journey down into mini goals and the first one starts on 5/4/07 and runs for 2 months till 5/7/07. At that time I plan to take another photo and show you the difference. My first goal is to lose 8 kilos in this time and I have a stretch goal of 10 kilos. As I said the 10 kilos is a stretch and something for me to aim at.

If I don't start now then I am not going to have anything to wear this winter, as all my winter clothes are 1 - 2 sizes smaller than I take now and I don't really have any spare cash to buy new clothes. All my winter clothes were only bought last year.

Bring it on is all I can say.


Carlton
Take One Step at a Time

Venting again

Yesterday was a bit better day, my dad has calmed down and my brother and I have had a talk with the nursing staff. We think dad got how he was because the nursing home ran out of his hormone treatment tablets, in fact he hadn't had them since Friday. I can't believe they allowed him to run out of them and then tried to make out that it was it was dad's fault he was acting like he was and labelling him too aggressive. After all they dispense the medication to him and should know when they are running low, how hard is it for them to reorder more then. Obviously real hard. My brother and I have talked about this at length and have decided that dad was like he was because of the lack of medication and that whilst he knew what he was doing, he didn't have control over it. Cancer is such a horrible thing to have. Again I can't get over the fact that the nursing staff left it up to us to calm him down and sort things out.

My eating is getting better and I am eatting health food during the day, it just appears that my problem is at night. Most nights when I get home I am too tired to cook a healthy meal and always take the easy option. Whilst I didn't eat that well last night, I at least acknowledge it and that it took the same amount of time to cook something unhealthy as what it does to cook a healthy stir fry.

Rainbow and I are going to start again on Tuesday and support each other, which will be good.
We are both struggling at the moment and can help each other get past this.

Thanks WSB & Rainbow for your comments, concerns and support. I really appreciate them. We can and will do this together. I'm feeling better about things today.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time

Need to Vent

Fathers, I think mine must be the most inconsiderate, selfish, self centred man on this earth. I so can't believe him sometimes, I know he is terminally ill and the nursing home running out of his hormone treatment doesn't help but honestly, I was ready to kill him tonight.

Tonight when we went to visit him he was in the toilet and the nurses were trying to help him, but instead of him letting them, he was trying to punch them and ended up cutting himself on the toilet chair. He then wouldn't let anyone dress his wound and keep shouting, yelling and trying to punch them.

The more I tried to talk to him the worse he got and the more he wanted to punch someone. He really doesn't care how his reactions affect others or how it makes others think of him. He also doesn't care how upset we get, and most of the time doesn't want to talk about it. It is so hard, no wonder I have put on 15 kilos since November 2006.

Bascially he is angry because he has to live in the nursing home & hates it, that he doesn't get the attention he wants, doesn't get things done when he wants them, thinks the staff hate him, thinks they hide things from him and refers to the nursing home as jail. He also blames my brother and I for putting him being there and then just left him there to rott for the rest of his days. Mind you we visit him every night for at least 2 hours and 3-4 hours per day on weekends. I have another brother who hasn't even been to visit him at all in the nursing home (3 months now) but he can't do anything wrong. My dad even thinks we love the nursing home's cat Bonnie more than we do him.

I am so angry and upset over this and am even in tears as I type this.

I just so wish that he would see things from others point of view and that the whole world doesn't revolve around him.

These days I never get home from visiting him until 8 pm, so I don't get to have dinner before 8.30 p.m., I try to do his washing every night so he always has enough clean clothes to wear. I don't do these things for his thanks, I do them because I want to and its what I need to do right now. Bascially my life has been put on hold since Nov 2006 and he couldn't care less, as long as he gets what he wants when he wants it, that's all that matters to him.

Apart from computer problems at work today, I was having a pretty good day, but it all came crushing down when I went to visit him.

We visit him daily so he doesn't think we have just left him there and don't care but guess what, he thinks that anyway.

All I want to do is eat chocolate, drink lots of bourbon and eat pizza. I can't believe that he is making me feel guilty because I want some sort of a life and will not visit him 3 hours a night (weekdays) and 9 hours a day (weekends) anymore.

I thought typing this would help but no it doesn't make me feel any better. I think I'll just go and have a good cry and might have an early night.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Needless to say that I'm not very happy with myself and my efforts this week.

Work has just been hell and I've really struggled with all aspects of my life this week, i.e. having time to myself, my eating, exercise, visiting my dad, work. In fact the only part of my life that's been good has been drinking at least 1.5 litres of water per day and the fact that despite what bad food I ate this week, I did lose 100 grams. I have been really stressed at work this week and I am so sick of emotionally eating during this time. Why do I do it to myself, its not as if it makes me happy, in fact I feel even worse after it happens, even more depressed and angry with myself.

Now I'm sure if I can answer this billion dollar question I will be able to move forward on this journey.

I'm feeling pretty down about my weight at the moment and about my lack of control over my food and the types of food I eat.

I think I need to take this as a day by day thing and might need to be accountable to you all again.

I do need to also reduce the amount of stress in my life, which means that I need to look for a less stressful job in the finance industry. That is, if one exists. I've worked for this company for 20 years next Friday and would like to continue to work for them, due to the benefits I'm not entitled to but just need to reduce the stress.

Tomorrow is another day and I will take it as it comes.

Sorry just needed to vent and thanks to WBS who reminded me that this is what this journal is all about. Thanks for your support and help, it is really appreciated, even if I don't always take it or say so.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.