Weigh in day

Weighed in today and lost 800 grams. Really pleased considering the week I've had.

Yesterday was a very emotional day with my dad. In the morning some of his friends came over to see how he was, in the afternoon some of my deceased sydney friends came over to see how we were (they are also going to the funeral) and dad's minister came over to see how he was. It still all seems so unreal.

As the funeral is in mackay, airline tickets have been booked, hire car has been booked, cats have been booked into boards at the vets and all I need to do is to pack. We leave on Tuesday with the funeral on Wednesday and came home on Saturday. Will be a long week.

Still can't believe it.

Still can't believe that one of my brothers is not here any more.

I discussed the situation with my therapist tonight and I can't believe that he has put his wife, children and other members of our family through all of this pain. I also can't believe that things got so much for him that he couldn't seek help and decided he couldn't cope with it any more.

The funeral is next week and I'm so not looking forward to it. I've just booked the airline tickets and am about to book a car for us to use during out stay.

So far my dad is taking it really well but like me it will hit him when we get there. My other 2 brothers seem to be taking it well but are getting more emotional about it the closer the funeral gets.

Its a day by day situation for me. It all seems so unreal. I know that Australia has the highest suicide rate of the world but you never think it will effect you, only others. It makes you really appreciate life and what you have when it does. Life is so special and short. We need to love ourselves, others we share it will and our lives. Take nothing for grated as it may all be gone tomorrow.

What can I say

Just when I'm beginning to get on top of my emotions and not think about my relationship with bf, my life goes another 360 degrees.

If it wasn't really happening I'd not believe it and think that all of this was being made up for attention.

I found out today that my brother who lives in Mackay killed himself (hung himself) yesterday. My sister in law is obviously a complete reck. It has come out of the blue, no body expected anything. Not sure when the funeral will be as they need to do a autopsy on his body. It just seems so unreal, its been nearly 7 months since we buried my mum and now this. Last time we spoke he seemed so happy and full of life. He was in a loving marriage of 19 years, had a great business and 2 great kids but it appears he was very unhappy about something.

With all of these tests in my life and we wanting to work on my emotional eating, I'm sure being put to the test at the moment. I know that I will get through these tough times and will be a much better and stronger person for it.

This has really brought home to me that life is way to short to do things your not happy about and to stuff around being angry, upset etc. Each day of our life is special and should be treated as such.

So much for me to talk to my therapist about tomorrow night when I go.

BMI

A few months ago I checked my BMI and posted an entry in my blog. I decided to do it again today and discovered that I had been using the wrong hight in cm's when I had calculated it.

Originally when I started this journey my BMI was 44. I have just done it again and its reduced to 38. Whilst this is still classified as obese it has reduced by 6 points which is good. First goal is to get it under 30 and in just being overweight and that will happen when I reach 80 kilos (will then have lost 36.2 kilos). Only 19 kilos to go for this goal. Am aiming for my birthday in September 2006 for this goal (7 months away).

I never want to be overweight again let alone Obese. I know that I am fat but I don't see my self as Obese. I think that if i acknoweldge this out load it will help me move forward and lose this weight for good.

For my height of 162 cm or 5 feet 4 1/2 my ideal weight is 59-66 kilos. My sureslim goal is 65-60 kilos. I currently weigh 99.2 kilos this morning, so I have about 40 kilos to lose.

BMI Weight Status
Below 18.5 Underweight
18.5 – 24.9 Normal
25.0 – 29.9 Overweight
30.0 and Above Obese

Emotions

My emotions are a little more under control today and life doesn't seem so bad. I still have a long way to go but I have decided that I'm not going to do anything in life unless it makes me happy.

I am putting myself first for a change. I need to become stronger emotionally and not cry at a drop of a hat or when things don't go my way.

New Stuff

I normally love going shopping but yesterday I just went with the flow as I went a bought a new video to replace bf's one. Acutally I decided to buy a video and DVD in one and I was going to buy the video and DVD recorder but they are still a little more expensive than what I had planned to spend. So I didn't buy the recorder. I also decided that bf can have my old DVD player when we split, it originally only cost me $99 about 5 years ago. Actually I am going to pack it up with all his stuff and as he isn't here at the moment he want know till he eventually unpacks all his stuff. This want be for a while cause he's not coming home till July and then he's going to live with his parents until he settles back in.

I also bought all the other stuff that I needed to buy. All I'm waiting for now is my new computer, to pack all his stuff and have his parents collect them.

At this stage I haven't told any of my friends and family about the split, as it is too painful to talk about. Its hard enough to write about our split let alone talk about it. That will come in time, however my friends, family and work colleagues are beginning to think something is up and they are always asking me if I'm ok, as I'm not looking happy. My response is I'm ok and that seems stop the questions.

Whilst it is hard writing about the split here, I'm glad I am, as it is helping to come to terms with it and get it out of my system. Hopefully it will help with the grieving and healing process. Will need to chat to my therapist about it when I go next Thursday.

Hope everyone has a great day. I'm off to do some shopping for my dad and spend the day with him. Hopefully this will keep my mind off my bf and what's going on.

Moving On.

I'm trying not think about what's going on and trying to move on with my life. It's not easy. Lots and lots of crying still being done. I only got 5 hours sleep the other night and it really showed the next morning. My eyes were so sore and puffy. People at work even noticed and asked me if things were ok. So I didn't breakdown yet again I told "them things will be ok".

I'm also trying to keep myself busy. I will sort out the spare room later tonight. It is so hard walking up stairs and seeing all his stuff in the spare room, that I've had to close the door. I will be so glad when it is all gone. My thoughts are if were going to split then the quicker it happens the better. Having said that it will probably take a few weeks before all his stuff is finally gone, as I need to get a new computer and have ordered one via work (interest fee loan). It will take 15 days to be delivered. I'm using his computer and whilst he's told me I can keep it, I really don't want it.

I'm also off today to buy a new video recorder and the other things I need to replace of his.

If its going to be over, then its over and I don't want any of his stuff here to remind me more of what I'm already missing and can't have any more. At least with him not being here I can't bump into him at the shops or when I'm out and when it happens I will be emotionally stronger and able to cope with it better.

His parents are also sad were splitting up and hope we can all still be friends. At this time I'm not sure if exbf and I can ever be friends. Its too early to make that decision and only time will tell.

All I want to do is cry

Things haven't been going all my well with my relationship with my bf over the past few months. The separation of distance and lack of contact hasn't helped either. We spoke on the phone tonight and have all be decided that as things aren't working out and were both not happy, then its best to split up for good. Its more his decision than mine and all I want to do is cry, cry, cry and cry some more. We have been together for 4 years and its so hard to split up for good. I can't believe it's over and nor can his parents.

As he isn't here I'll have to start packing all his stuff and get his parents to come and get it all. I'll also have to get a new video recorder, computer etc as the ones we have been using are his.
The sooner this is all done the better. Don't really want any reminders around me, the memories I have of us are hard enough to coupe with. Need a clean break to try to mend my broken heart and concentrate on my health issues.

I am so upset and not really sure what to do next. Whilst I've been crying all night, I have stayed away from all food, which is great. I've also be gathering up all his stuff and putting it in the spare room. On the weekend I will start to sort it out properly and box it up for his parents to collect the following weekend. I'm also hoping to sort out a new computer tomorrow.
This whole mess will be a real test for my emotional eating.

The biggest test of my mental strength and residence to emotionally eating will be over the next few weeks, as I pack his stuff up, see his parents again and they take all of his stuff away. Then I will know it is finally over.

I'm also so surprised how much I have actually cried tonight. I didn't even cry his much when my mum died last year and I watched her body shut down due to tumors/cancer and slowly die over 3 days.

Not that I am tired but its 11.30 p.m. now and I have to get up in 6 and a half hours to go to work. Lots of do tomorrow, seeing I'm out of the office until Thursday afternoon next week due to courses, dentist and a public holiday.

Better get some sleep don't want to look too bad tomorrow at work.

Why do I do this to myself.

Why do I do the things I do to myself?????????????
Why do I sabotage myself??????????????
Why do I emotionally eat????????????????
Why am I not as mentally tough as I should be??????????
Why am I afraid to be thin????????????

I ask myself these and a lot more questions like them every day. What am I so afraid of??????????????

I have exercised for at least 90 mins each day for the past 4 days but still I find myself sabotaging myself each night. I have eaten so far 2 x 2 litre tubs of ice cream and a large block of chocolate.

I am so good during the day but night time is my big downfall. Why Why Why???????????????? If I knew the answers to this I wouldn't have a problem and be able to lose the weight I want to.

I am currently seeing a therapist about these problems, my depression and a few others as well. Will have to bring this up with her to see how I can deal with it.

I am so sick of exercising my but off and being good during the day but undoing it all when I get hom from work. I've had my whing for the day and better get back to work.

Walked to Work Again

I walked to work again this morning and will walk home as well.

I've decided that with petrol prices going up and up with no end in site, I will be walking to work more often. It is not only good for my health and weight loss but I will save money buying petrol.

Exercising

I started exercising again last night. I did a 45 min new body exercise video and a 30 min walking video. Whilst I was tired afterwards it did feel good to get back into it.

I also walked to work today and am thinking about walking more often seeing petrol prices are increasing. I only live 3 kms away and takes 35 minutes to walk as I have to cross 2 major roads and that holds me up a little.

I feel so much better now that I have started exercising again.

Back and Struggling

Hi I'm back from my holiday. I had a fantastic time and I can't remember the last time I had so much fun.

The main problem is at the moment I'm struggling to get back on track. I did my strength exercises today and was going to go to the gym but never got there. At this stage I'm tossing up whether to walk to work or not tomorrow.

I'm also not feeling that flash at the moment, think I'm coming down with a cold. Think I'm off to have an early night.

Catch ya later.