Today

Today has been a better day. I was organised this morning and took my lunch to work and kept fairly on track with that. I also find that if I don't have a lot of money on me, then I'm not tempted to buy crap.

Quite proud of myself today.

Frustration

I'm a little frustrated at the moment. I had my blood test a week ago and can't wait to get my program and start losing weight again. Its like my whole life is on hold. I also so need to go shopping but don't want to buy much as I'm not sure what kind of foods I'll be able to eat on Sure slim, as the program is designed based on your blood test results.

This past week as been up and down. I'm finished all of the bourbon and coke premixers in the house, ate lots of things I shouldn't have and am sure I've put on a few more kilos.

I sure hope they ring me in the next few days. I've made this decision to use them to lose weight and so want to get started.

I'm even going to try (and try is the word) to get up and 5 a.m and go for a 60 minute walk. I also need to get back into exercise. Next week I'm back to doing my old job and will be going to the gym again at lunchtime. Can't wait, to get back into my old routine again. I actually miss it.

I also miss my old life prior to being a victim back in 1991, it seems like a life time ago.

Current Weight

Whilst I'm spilling my soul to the world, I should confess my current weight is 100.2 kilos and under Sure Slim my goal weight is between 60 - 65 kilos.

I would love to get to 60 kilos so this means I need to lose 40.2 kilos. I've so far paid for 6 months and would love to get there by then. Don't realistically think that is possible but I will try.

One thing that I have to remember is that there average weight loss per month is between 7-10 kilos. Based on that I should make it.

I just need to deal with my demons as I go a long and not let them stop me.

Never pay for the same kilo twice.

Struggling

As part of the Sure Slim program you need to go for a blood test. It is part of the cost and is so they can work out an individual program for you. I went and had my blood test today and should have my program in about a week. I can't wait to start and get on my way to a new life.

In the mean time, I'm really struggling with my eating, its getting that bad that my lunch time food choices aren't that good either. I'm not only struggling with eating, but I'm really stressed at the moment with work. Can't wait to go back to Bankstown and just do my job only. At the moment, I'm not a good person to be around. I'm angry a lot of the time. I am so sick of pushy clients, who leave things to the last minute and then expect you to drop everything and work on their deal. They only think of themselves and think that they are your only client and have nothing better to do. Sometimes it feels like they doing you a favour. At the moment I'm looking after about 400 clients.

I feel like I'm about to lose the plot. I feel so out of control, not only with eating, but with work, with my relationship with my bf, my happiness, myself, my finances etc. Basically nothing is going how I would like it.

My thinking is all over the place at the moment, even to the point that I don't want to pick my bf when he comes home from his stay away. At this point I'd much prefer his parents to pick him up and go straight to their place. I've even told him that I don't want the responsibility of him here and would prefer he lives with them for the time being, or even by himself. Needless to say that hurt him a lot, but I'm not sure I can cope with it. So many things are happening at the moment, so many things going through my mind, its no matter I'm all over the place.

I haven't even been able to build up my self esteem before I lose the plot eating. I do remember to but normally its after I've eaten.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to beat myself up, just trying to get my frustrations out on of my system, so I can get some sleep.

Things for me to work on are:-

1. My eating
2. My self esteem
3. Why do I sabotage myself
4. Me being a victim back in 1991
5. Feeling out of control
6. Bf coming home
7. Stress levels
8. Why I am afraid to be thin
9. Struggling with my life
10. I need to grieve over my mum's death last year. I have/had been so busy organizing her funeral, estate matters, making sure my dad is ok and is looked after, I've never actually really grieved over my loss.
11. Depression
12. exercise

The above points are in no order, only how I remembered them.

I miss my mum every day and would so love to be able to talk to her. I still get the urge to ring her and see how she is going and just chat but unfortunately if I want to talk to her I have to have a once sided conversation at her cremation plot. Not really the same.

I so can't wait to start to feel normal, happy, love myself and life again. It feels like forever since I've been able to do this, well it has been 15 years since I was a attacked and felt content, happy and love my life.

I need to take it one step at a time and one day at a time. Today has been a very down day and tomorrow will be a better day I'm sure.

Took the Plunge

I'm been thinking about joining Sure Slim for the past 8 months or so. Last week I actually rang them and book an information consultation for what I thought was today. It turned out the head office booked it for 18/3/06 even though they told me 18/2/06 (written in my diary during the phone call). It turned out ok cause they fitted me in. I got on with the consultant really well and was so comfortable with her. I took the plunge and joined.

The course is a little expensive, however, I get an individual plan for me and a one on one consultation every week. I'm not expecting it to be all that easy as it is based on eating only 3 meals a day and you have to wait 5 hours between each meal. You also can't drink sweet drinks or drink alcohol during the weight loss phase. Big challenge will be having to wait 5 hours to eat, as I now have snacks during meals, even if it is just fruit and am going away in 5 weeks to Melbourne where I normally drink a fair amount of alcohol during this week.

I'm feeling good about it and can't really wait to start. I have to go and have my blood test early next week and then will start a week after that.

Losing the plot

Well my weight loss journey has well and truely run off the rails and I've lost the plot. I'm good most days but at night its another storey.

Went to see my therapist today to talk about my stuggles with losing weight and all of the things associated with that. We have decided to again focus on my self esteem and at night when I am looking to eat, I have to write down all of the good things that has happened to me during the day, all of the compliements and good thoughts I have done. I also have to keep a diary about what is happening to me during the day and what I am thinking during these times.

We are going to heavily concentrate on:-

1/ why I sabbatoge my good work with food,
2/ why I am afraid to be thin
3/ why I don't like myself
4/ why I emotionally (comfort) eat.

Hopefully this will help me over come what happened in 1991 and why I don't treat myself well. This will make for some heavy and interesting sessions.

I hate

I hate clothes sizes.

Yesterday I bought 2 pairs of pants both are a size 16. One of them it a little to big and baggy. I really should return them for a size 14 and the other I just fit into.

Weigh in Last Night

Weighted in last night and lost 1.5 kilos. January was a good start to the year and my weight loss journey. My results were as follows:-

Lost 1.9 kilos first week.
Lost 0.3 grams the 2nd week.
Put on 1 kilo the 3rd week.
Lost 1.5 kilos this week.

Total loss for January is 2.7 kilos. If I can stretch this to between 3 to 3.5 kilos a month I will be at my goal of 60 kilos in 11-12 months time. Its time to get focused and start achieving my goals.

Current weight is 98.7. My goal for February is to lose 3.5 kilos and weigh 95.2.

Diffences

I'm been thinking a lot about my life the past few weeks and what I've been doing and not doing. I've learn't that last year was a year of just surviving and having to overcome a lot of emotional stuff i.e.

1. My mum diagnosed with breast cancer - Feb
2. My darling bf diagnosed with DVT - April
3. My dad being rushed to hospital, gall bladder - June
4. Me being diagnosed with depression and starting therapy - July
5. My mum struggling with her cancer battle - June - September
6. Mum losing her battle with cancer - October
7. Dad being rushed to hopsital and nearly died - December
8. Nearly breaking up with darling bf - January

I still miss my mum and stuggle with her not being around some days. Every couple of days I have this feeling that I need to pick up the phone and call her to see how she is going or to talk to her about things, but sadly I can only do this when I go and visit her at the cementry and then its a one sided conversation. My dad is better but also misses mum, which is understandable, they were together for 54 years. Darling bf and I are getting on better during the past few weeks than ever before. Things are getting better and that I will come through this.

The main difference with this year to last year is that things are a lot better and I'm learning to deal with my emotions and emotional eating. This year is going to be my year, the year I focus on myself, sort my self out emotionally & physically and get to my goal weight. Nothing is going to stop me.

This online blogg is a great help, lets me get things off my chest.