I've been sick

OK sorry I haven't been around much this week. I've spend most of it sick in bed. Nothing life threatening and I should be back on my feet in a few days time.

Needless to say I haven't eaten all that well during this time.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

Past 3 years of my life.

OK I thought I'd summarise the past few years of my life for those who have recently started reading my blog and don't know what's been going on:-

1. Dad diagnosed with cancer - October 2004
2. My mum diagnosed with breast cancer - Feb 2005
3. My darling bf (now ex) diagnosed with DVT - April 2005
4. My dad being rushed to hospital, gall bladder - June 2005
5. Me being diagnosed with depression and starting therapy - July 2005
6. My mum struggling with her cancer battle - June - September 2005
7. Mum losing her battle with cancer - October 2005
8. Dad being rushed to hospital and nearly died - December 2005
9. Nearly breaking up with darling bf - January 2006
10. Started looking after 2 portfolio's at work (300 clients) January 2006
11. Breaking up with bf - April 2006
12. Brother committed suicide - April 2006
13. Getting back together with bf - May 2006
14. Break up with bf for good - August 2006
15. Met new guy over the net - October 2006
16. Dad was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer and bone cancer - November 2006
17. Dad moved to a nursing home January 2007
18. Broke up with David due to him cheating on me with 2 other woman - February 2007
19. Still looking after 2 portfolios at work until today May 2007

Boy I can't believe I've been through so much and still survived. Its been a tough few years but looking back I've come through it a much stronger person.

Despite trying, I have not lost and kept off any weight since my mum died in October 2005. In fact since my dad's been sick since November 2006 I've put on 10 kilos or (15 kilos since my mum died).

Hope this helps to understand my life and its ups and downs.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Mothers Day

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Its Mothers Day today and I so miss my mum terribly. I have a pretty busy day today and am going to find the time to go and visit mum's cremation plot to wish her Happy Mothers Day.


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I saw the following poem posted on ck and thought I'd share it with you. This is for all of you who have lost your mum's (for what ever reason) and miss them terribly on this their special day.

WATCHING OVER YOU

I'm sending special angels
To keep you safe and sound,
To bless you and to love you
When you are feeling down.

I've asked them to look after you
And keep away those frowns.
To cheer you up when times are tough
Or whenever you feel down.

I hope they take good care of you
And bring you lots of love,
Because I called upon them specially.
From Heaven up above.

Have a Happy Mothers Day

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time

Work - OMG

Myspace Layouts

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I had a meeting with my boss today for my half yearly review/appraisal (as at 30/3/07). Whilst I knew what my results were as they are based on meeting performanced based results, its always the comments that I get worried about. The meeting went for just over an hour and overall was pretty good. My boss did make a comment that I need to get less involved in things that do not always concern me (aparently people have complained about me in regards to this), the meeting did go rather well.

The thing that really surprised me and gave me a buss for the rest of the day, was that my boss told me that I was not the same person who started working for him just over 12 months ago (positive way). We discussed my personal growth and business growth, especially during such a difficult time in my life overall.

Looking back at me I am so proud of all that I have achieved and yes I am such a stronger, not as negative, more rounded (not talking weight wise) person. I've also noticed that I am also a much happier and confident person than I was 12 months ago. I do have my bad and negative days but I am now having more and more good and confident days.

I may not have achieved much weight wise this year but I have achieve so much more within myself this 12 months. I do have a lot more work to do but days like this make me realise just how far I've come. I've done most of this on my own and because I've wanted to not because I've been made to.

Just thought I'd share my positive news...................


Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Half way Mark

Its half way through the Challenge 5 June and I'm feeling so out of control at the moment.

My start weight was 110.3 on 11 April 2007 (I think that was the date)
Half way mark my weight is 108.0
Now that's a loss of 2.3 kilos.

Whilst 2.3 kilos is a fairly good result, I must admit that 1.7 kilos of this loss was in the first week. I've been pretty slack ever since.

If nothing else, its time for me to start exercising again. Its getting colder here in Sydney and none of my work jackets can be done up. I do not have the funds to buy new ones, so sorry but the weight just has to go, there is no other choice.

My eating has been OK, but structured exercise is not really present. The odd short walk but that's all I've been doing. I could also do with increasing the amount of water I drink as well.

Well its getting late and if I'm going for my walk in the morning I better go and try to sleep.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Financial Stress being attacked head on

As well as lots of other stress in my life, I so can't believe:-

1. how much I have let my financial obligations get out of control.
2. what a mess they are.
3. how quickly they can get out of control
4. how much I've been spending over the past few years.

Well suffice to say its started catching up with me.

Against my better judgement I've tried to push it out of my mind and ignored them. Yes I do know better than that, and I've beaten myself up enough over this. Well last night I decided to do something about it and I'm pleased to say I'm on my way to sorting them out and restructuring my debts. All of my unsecured debts will now be consolidated into one loan and then I have my housing loan. I'm rather pleased to say that I will only have two major payments per fornight now and these will cover all of my debts.

I even spend some time doing a budget tonight and OMG is all I can say. Things are going to be tight for a while but that's the price I pay for being stupid with my money and not facing the problem. Oh well it could be worse, I could have lost my house and faced complete financial ruin. Financially things will be a bit tight for a few years but then all the unsecured debts will be repaid and cleared.

OMG I still can't believe how much I've relied on a credit card to live, well no more. The credit cards have been cut up and will be cancelled once the consolidation loan has repaid them. The only card I now have is a debit mastercard, so basically if I don't have the funds then I don't buy it.

Whilst I do hate to publically admit his mistake and huge problem, it is helping me to move forward. As Dr Phil keeps saying if you don't acknowledge it, you can not fix it. So here I am saying that I suck when it comes to my finances and up until now didn't want to acknowledge them, well that has now changed and things will get easier.

I also hate to write about this here as I'm still a little worried about what people will think about me. The positive thing out of this is by posting this here is showing myself how strong I can be by facing this problem and moving forward and not backward.

Bascially I have to stop trying to keep up with the Jones and showing people what they expect to see. Instead I need to show them who I really am and admit that due to my excess spending and living beyond my means for so long that I can survive.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Light Bulb Moment today

Ok its been a while since I've posted a weight loss message. I must admit that I need to be honest with you all and tell you the past 2 weeks I've been struggling and wasn't really sure why. I'm home sick today, my sinus are a little infected and I think I'm coming down with a cold. I was watching Oprah today, which just happened to be a weight loss show with Bob Green and his The Best Life Diet. This show was a real light bulb moment for me and I want to admit that I have been struggling to lose weight for the past 10 years and not proud of that. During this time my highest weight has been nearly 118 kilos or 260 pounds and the smallest I've been is 80 kilos or 176 pounds. My goal weight range is between 66 kilos to 55 kilos. I'm currently 108 kilos 237 pounds and not happy about that.

One of the things on the show that really hit me is how important exercise is with weight loss. I've known this before but Oprah put it is way, if you don't want to exercise then you don't want to lose weight. Yes I hate exercise and find it really hard to find the time to do it. Again if I'm honest with myself and you all it means that I don't really want to lose weight, yes honestly if there was a magic pill to get rid of this excess weight, then I'd be taking it. I can honestly say right now that my whole life is rather over welming for lots of reasons I don't want to go into now but I can say that I need to lose weight, I'd love to lose weight but do I really want to do what it takes to lose weight, well not sure..... actually honestly its more a not really or a no.

I need to take one step back from losing weight and work on myself for a little while. Before I can lose weight I need to be able to answer the following questions:-

1. Why am I overweight, really? This is not just that I eat the wrong foods and don't exercise, why do I do this to myself? What am I hiding from?

2. Why do I want to lose weight and what am I prepared to do to lose weight?

3. What am I going to do to reclaim my life?

At this point in time I can't really honestly answer these, so I'm going to work on these. I also need to stop lying to myself about my weight and what I am going to do about it.

Bob Green has a weight loss website called www.thebestlife.com and I found the following extract on it, which I thought I'd share with you all:-

"Excerpt from The Best Life Diet - by Oprah Winfrey
Another thing I know for sure now is that you’ve got to ask yourself, What kind of life do you want and how close are you to living it? You cannot ever live the life of your dreams without coming face to face with the truth. Every unwanted pound creates another layer of lies. It’s only when you peel back those layers that you will be set free: Free to work out, free to eat responsibly, free to live the life you want and deserve to live. Tell the truth and you’ll learn to eat to satisfy your physical hunger and stop burying your hopes and dreams beneath layers of fat."

Can you honestly answer this questions and are you treating yourself how you deserve to be treated. My answer to that is no.

Basically I know what I need to do to lose weight but that isn't working for me at the moment, cause I'm not doing it. Before I can move forward I need to work out why I am overweight and move down the list from there. This is really scarey stuff and I think its going to be a long and difficult journey but one I must do.

At this stage I'm not really going to follow any particular eating plan but I am going to continue to fill in my CK food diary. My main focus is myself, my thoughts, my feelings and learning to accept me and love myself and only then can I work seriously on my weight.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

are you a talent, a lifer, or a mandarin?

I'm a Lifer!

To you, a job is what pays the bills. You put in your hours, follow the rules, and then go home. Occasionally, you consider quitting, but then you think of how bad the job market is and you reconsider. Whatever happiness you get, you get from your life outside the workplace. Relationships, family, hobbies, and outside creative pursuits are what really matter to you. You're probably taking this test at work because you don't have anything better to do.

Talent: 46%
Lifer: 56%
Mandarin: 41%

Take the Talent, Lifer, or Mandarin quiz.

Carlton

What kind of sports Car are you???????

I'm a Dodge Viper!

You're all about raw power. You're tough, you're loud, and you don't take crap from anyone. Leave finesse to the other cars, the ones eating your dust.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.