Your Hillbilly Name is

Your Hillbilly Name Is...

Loretta Lynne Crow

Hillbilly Name Generator

Now the above is based on the name of Carlton.


And the below is based on my true name given to me by my Mother.

Your Hillbilly Name Is...

Lil' Daisy Tucker

Hillbilly Name Generator

Carlton
Take One Step at a time

Are you a control Freak????

You Are 60% Control Freak

Generally, you are in control but not a control freak. You life is usually in order. However, sometimes you get too obsessed with making everything in your life picture perfect.

Are You A Control Freak?

I was actually a bit suprised with this outcome. I actually would have thought I'd sore a lot higher than I did. Well it appears I'm starting to get over all the crap that's happened in my life over the past 3 years and living again.

Thanks WBS for all these funnies. There great.

Carlton
Take One Step at at time.

How Nerdy are You?

Well I found this from WBS blog. Results mean:-

96% scored higher (more nerdy),
0% scored the same, and
4% scored lower (less nerdy).

What does this mean? Your nerdiness is:

Definitely not nerdy, you are probably cool.

Well I don't think I'm all that cool but I'll take it anyway LOL


Carlton
Take One Step at a Time

This is What Kind Of Flower You Are

I am a Canna What Flower Are You?

"You stand up for what you believe in, even if it gets in the way of what other people think. You are proud of yourself and your accomplishments and you enjoy letting people know that."

All I can say this flower is so me.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time

ANZAC Day 25 April 2007

ANZAC Day - 25 April - is probably Australia's most important national occasion. It marks the anniversary of the first major military action fought by Australian and New Zealand forces during the First World War. ANZAC stands for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. The soldiers in those forces quickly became known as ANZACs, and the pride they soon took in that name endures to this day.

Today markes the 92nd anniversary of this occassion and the 1st year anniversary of my brothers death. I have so many mixed emotions today.

For The Fallen

With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,

England mourns for her dead across the sea.

Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of her spirit,

Fallen in the cause of the free.

Solemn the drums thrill:

Death august and royal

Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres.

There is music in the midst of desolation

And a glory that shines upon our tears.
They went with songs to the battle, they were young,

Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.

They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,

They fell with their faces to the foe.
They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;

Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.
They mingle not with their laughing comrades again;

They sit no more at familiar tables at home;

They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;

They sleep beyond England's foam.
But where our desires are and our hopes profound,

Felt as a well-spring that is hidden from sight,

To the innermost heart of their own land they are known

As the stars are known to the Night;
As the stars that shall be bright when we are dust,

Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain,

As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,

To the end, to the end, they remain.

By Laurence Binyon (1869-1943)

Hope everyone is having a good ANZAC day.

Carlton

Take One Step at a time

Weigh In results - week 2

Yesterday was weigh in day.

I weighed in at 108.4 kilos today which is a loss of 200 grams. Pretty good considering I too have struggled this week.

This week has been an interesting one, I was chatting to a guy online who doesn't life far from where I work and we seemed to be getting on well and decided to meet for lunch. To cut a very long story short things didn't go to plan and now we are no longer chatting.

On a similar front, I've been chatting on and off (via yahoo messenger) with another guy called John for the past 5 months and just thought it would be a friendship. Well things got a bit steamer over the weekend and we decided to get together and see how things go. It makes life a bit busier and a lot more exciting.

Carlton

Take one Step at a Time

Weigh In Day

Sorry I've been rather busy the past few days.

Today is weight in day for the challenge.

My start weight was 11o.3.

1st weigh in today was 108.6

Loss of 1.7 kilos.

Carlton

Take One Step at a Time.

I've been a bit slack the past few days

Like Rainbow my mood today hasn't been a good one. Everything and I mean everything has annoyed me today. It's been one of those days that I just should not have gotten out of bed.

I've been a bit slack the past few days and have let my tiredness and problems logging onto blogger at work, stop me from recording my food. Now if I can remember what I ate, then I will record it now.

Wednesday
Breakfast
Blueberry Muffin (didn't have time to have breakfast at home before the training course)

Snacks
1 chocolate brownie
1 mini meat pie
1 mini ham and cheese croissant

Lunch
1 ham, cheese, lettuce, tomato and avocado mixed grain sandwich
1 plate of fruit
1 small serve of Brie
1 small bottle of diet coke

Snacks
1 chocolate brownie
1 apple

Dinner
Will have to think about what I ate for dinner, as I can't remember at the moment.

Walked 30 mins

Thursday
Breakfast
Triple berry Light N Tasty cereal
1 cup of peaches
1 200g tub of yoghurt

Snacks
1 apple

Lunch
1 Subway Club salad with honey mustard dressing
1 apple

Snack
1 muesli bar

Dinner
2 weight watchers satay chicken wraps
2 chocolate easter eggs

Walked 60 mins

Friday
Breakfast
Triple berry Light N Tasty cereal
1 cup of peaches
1 200g tub of yoghurt

Snacks
1 pear
1 mandarin

Lunch
1 medium serve of Chinese vegetables stir fried with rice noodles
1 yoghurt
2 Terikyi Chicken Sushi rolls

Dinner
2 weight watchers Mediterranean chicken wraps

Walked 60 mins

My day was that bad that I so wanted to eat chocolate, I didn't have a craving for it, I think I just wanted to chew on something and I normally turn to chocolate when I have such a craving. Rainbow and I chatted out it this afternoon and threw around several alternative ideas, which I really apprecite. Thanks Rainbow for the chat, hope I didn't interupt your work too much.

You will all be pleased to know that so far, so good, no chocolate has been put into my mouth. Yes that's right, I did not eat it, didn't buy it, just proceed to do my work. I think by recognising my desire and why I actually wanted it seemed to work.

Feeling pretty good about my choices so far. I haven't really weighted myself this week, cause its TTOM and I retain fluid during this time.

I'm planning on doing more exercise this weekend and hoping for a good weight loss come Tuesday morning.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time

Day One of the Challenge

OK the June 5 challenge started today and so far so good. I was that busy at work today that I didn't have time to scratch myself let alone think of food, or even food that I have decided I'm not going to eat anymore.

So far today I have only exercised for 30 Min's but that is also 30 Min's more than yesterday or the day before. The night isn't over yet and whilst I am physically and mentally exhausted from work there is still time to get another 30 Min's of exercise in. Might just have to get out one of those exercise tapes/dvd's.
My food diary for today reads

Breakfast
30 grams of Light N Tasty - triple berry cereal
1/2 cup of skim milk
1/2 cup of tin fruit salad

Snack
1 small apple

Lunch
1 honey soy chicken stir fry with 1 cup of Jasmin rice

Dinner
1 Coles premade green salad
1 tin of salmon
1 200g tub of diet yoghurt

Snack
2 slices of toast with diet jam

I have also had 1 cup of coffee, 1 cup of green tea and 2 litres of water.

I know I might need to eat more than this and will re look at my food diary. I'm also on a course tomorrow all day and morning tea, lunch and afternoon tea are supplied. This will present a very big challenge for me and one I will have to tackle alone as I will not be in front of a computer to email Rainbow before I am tempted. I am planning on taking some fruit with me for my snacks and now I just have to remember to eat them instead of the pastries and biscuits.

Oh and the scales were not kind to me today. I weighted in at 110.3 kilos. I really can't blame anyone but myself, I'm the one who buys the food and I'm the one who places in it my mouth. TOM also arrived today so might just have to blame that as well.

On a different note I just need to vent a little about my job. I have been doing this job for about 4 years now and am getting a bit tired of it. My life and this job have both changed a lot over this time and I'm beginning to feel like I can't handle the stress of it anymore. I am also so sick of feeling stressed all of the time, so sick of doing 2 jobs (for most of the past 12 months), so sick of ungrateful clients I'm seriously considering that stress leave might be in order and talking to my RM about how I can't do this job anymore. Its just taking too much out of me and with the stress over my father's health, I just need a break.

Its time I looked after me as no one else is going to and finding a less stressful job, is all part of the journey I'm on right now.

9.22 p.m. I forgot to add the most exciting part. I said NO thank you, yes that's right NO to cadbury solid small easter eggs today. I knew that if I had one then that wouldn't satisfy me, so I didn't have them at all. Also at the nursing home tonight I could have easily had a easter mashmallow or some of Dad's small easter eggs and I did look at them with desire, but I also choose not too. Yes I made a very determined decision not to have any chocolate today or tonight. I am so pleased with myself.

Carlton
Take One 'Step at a Time.

June 5 Challenge Strategy

I chose this picture for this post only because I liked it and not because it has anything to do with this post.


If you have read my previous post today you will see that I'm struggling at the moment with my self believe and if I can do this Challenge or not.

OK below is my strategy for the June 5 Challenge.

1. I need some structure in my eating program so I am going to go back to the Core program of Weight Watchers. I have tried a few other programs during the past few years and they have not worked as well.
2. I will use my HRM to record my exercise calories.
3. Will exercise for minimum 60 minutes, 5 times a week minimum (each time burning 500 or more cals)
4. I will have a proper breakfast every morning.
5. I will drink 2.5 litres of water per day.
6. If I eat carbs, they will be low Gi.
7. I will stay away from highly processed food and eat food closer to their natural state.
8. I will not drink carbonated drinks like coke, light coke, coke zero and junk food like chips, cheezels, twisties.
9.I will use post my food diary on my blog and exercise diary every single day no matter what.
10.I will not buy chocolate but as I have a lot of it from easter, I will allow myself 1 small egg per week (preferably weekend). However, on these days I will need to exercise for 2 hours. (these eggs are 812 kj or 203 calories & 12 grams of fat).
11. I will post my thoughts, feelings, struggles every day on my blog.
12. I will ask for help when I need it.
13. I will not put too much pressure on myself to achieve and take one day as it comes.

I have a feeling that it might still be a work in progress and I will probably add to them as I think of more things to help me with the challenge.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Confused & Scared

I can't believe the Easter break is almost over and tomorrow I have to go back to work.

Also I can't believe that the challenge with Rainbow starts tomorrow. When I agreed to this challenge, it seemed so far away and I felt pretty good about things.

I'm feeling pretty confused, apprehensive and scared right now about this challenge. I'm scared because I don't feel very in control of my eating right now and afraid that it is pretty easy for me to slip back into emotional eating. I know that I need to lose weight and can't afford to buy new clothes for Winter but can I really do this? Can I eat well for more than 1 day in a row? Can I get up at 6 a.m. and exercise? Do I want this badly enough to succeed? So many questions that I need to answer.

As you can see my self esteem and belief in myself is pretty low at the moment and my head is not in a very good space. However, I'm wondering if I'm reacting this way as an excuse not to start this journey again, open myself up, improve myself, get back out in the world and live life again. Emotionally I'm still in a pretty fragile place after my failed relationships over the past 12 months and so afraid let my true self be shown. Overeating has always been a way to deal with my pain and hurt. Whilst my overeating has resulted in me being fat and unhappy it is also been my safety net. Can I or am I ready to peel away the layers of my safety net. Seriously I do not know.

At this point I do not know if I can do this, or at the moment if I really want join this Challenge. All I know is that I need to do this and I need to do this for me. So tomorrow I will get up at 6 a.m. and go for a 60 min walk and do my best to make healthy food options. Once tomorrow is over it is then time to focus on the next day. Its a day by day challenge for me at this stage.

I recognise that the majority of my posts have a negative tone to them at the moment, but that where my head space is right now. Things will improve as my journey goes on, but for me the commencement is the scariest part right now.

I hate the feeling of not being in control and I am not in control of my eating or emotions right now. I so have to remember this feeling as things go along.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Happy Easter

Happy Easter everyone and hope you had a good day.

I had a pretty good day. We picked my dad up this morning and brought him home for the day. I think he enjoys this and had a good day. It just takes a lot out of him and on these days he is ready for bed about 5.30 p.m.

Well despite me asking for 1 small box of easter eggs, I managed to receive 48 egg (real eggs that is) size easter eggs. Chocolate is one of my real weaknesses. I have decided that I am allowed 2 of these eggs per week, 2 and only 2. This will be a real test for me but one that I am ready to overcome. I would love to be in control of chocolate. If I can't stop at 2 eggs per week, they will be given away to either my work mates or the other residences at the nursing home.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

The June 5 Challenge startes Tuesday 10 April 2007

Yes I am joining Rainbow in a challenge called The June 5 Challenge. This is a challenge to get us back in the zone and losing weight. This is an 8 week challenge, commencing on 10/4/07 and my goal is to lose 8 kilos during this time and my stretch goal is to lose 10 kilos. I really need to lose weight to fit into my winter clothes, as I don't have the money to buy new ones again this Winter.

I will clean out my fridge, freezer and pantry and throw out any food that doesn't fit into this challenge.

My strategy for this challenge is still a work in progress and some more thought needs to go into it. A draft strategy is as follows:-

1. I need some structure in my eating program so I am going to go back to the Core program of Weight Watchers. I have tried a few other programs during the past few years and they have not worked as well.

2. I will use my HRM to record my exercise calories.

3. Will exercise for minimum 60 minutes, 5 times a week minimum (each time burning 500 or more cals)

4. I will have a proper breakfast every morning.

5. I will drink 2.5 litres of water per day.

6. If I eat carbs, they will be low Gi.

7. I will stay away from highly processed food and eat food closer to their natural state.

8. I will not drink carbonated drinks like coke, light coke, coke zero and junk food like chips, cheezels, twisties.

9.I will use post my food diary on my blog and exercise diary every single day no matter what.

10.I will not eat or buy chocolate.

As I said this is my draft. I promise I will post my final list by the end of Monday. Any comments or suggestions will be gratefully received.

As a side issue. today is my 20 year anniversary for working with the company that I work for. I never actually thought I'd get here but its been an interesting journey. For 20 years service you get a certificate signed by the CEO, a gold watch and about 5% of your salary into your superannuation. We actually had a BBQ lunch at work yesterday and I received my certificate of service and my watch. It was all very exciting. Now I just have to wait for my letter to tell me exactly how much they put into my superannuation.

Carlton

Take One Step at a Time.

Time to get real.

Hi everyone. Its time for me to get real and get on with this journey of losing weight. The issues going on in my life are here to stay and really I just need to deal with them and find ways to work around them. I must remember that there are people worse off than me in this world.


I have taken 2 new photos of me tonight. They are below, they also show my new haircut (which everyone at work just loves). They are also the first step in me being accountable to you all. Rainbow and I are starting a fresh on Tuesday 10/4/2007. At this stage I'm not sure of what my weight is but I will weigh myself tomorrow and post that as well.







This one is taken in the bathroom doorway. As you can see I'm not feeling very happy about this photo or my life at the moment.








This one is taken in my bedroom a few minutes after the other one.








Rainbow and I have decided to break this journey down into mini goals and the first one starts on 5/4/07 and runs for 2 months till 5/7/07. At that time I plan to take another photo and show you the difference. My first goal is to lose 8 kilos in this time and I have a stretch goal of 10 kilos. As I said the 10 kilos is a stretch and something for me to aim at.

If I don't start now then I am not going to have anything to wear this winter, as all my winter clothes are 1 - 2 sizes smaller than I take now and I don't really have any spare cash to buy new clothes. All my winter clothes were only bought last year.

Bring it on is all I can say.


Carlton
Take One Step at a Time

Venting again

Yesterday was a bit better day, my dad has calmed down and my brother and I have had a talk with the nursing staff. We think dad got how he was because the nursing home ran out of his hormone treatment tablets, in fact he hadn't had them since Friday. I can't believe they allowed him to run out of them and then tried to make out that it was it was dad's fault he was acting like he was and labelling him too aggressive. After all they dispense the medication to him and should know when they are running low, how hard is it for them to reorder more then. Obviously real hard. My brother and I have talked about this at length and have decided that dad was like he was because of the lack of medication and that whilst he knew what he was doing, he didn't have control over it. Cancer is such a horrible thing to have. Again I can't get over the fact that the nursing staff left it up to us to calm him down and sort things out.

My eating is getting better and I am eatting health food during the day, it just appears that my problem is at night. Most nights when I get home I am too tired to cook a healthy meal and always take the easy option. Whilst I didn't eat that well last night, I at least acknowledge it and that it took the same amount of time to cook something unhealthy as what it does to cook a healthy stir fry.

Rainbow and I are going to start again on Tuesday and support each other, which will be good.
We are both struggling at the moment and can help each other get past this.

Thanks WSB & Rainbow for your comments, concerns and support. I really appreciate them. We can and will do this together. I'm feeling better about things today.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time

Need to Vent

Fathers, I think mine must be the most inconsiderate, selfish, self centred man on this earth. I so can't believe him sometimes, I know he is terminally ill and the nursing home running out of his hormone treatment doesn't help but honestly, I was ready to kill him tonight.

Tonight when we went to visit him he was in the toilet and the nurses were trying to help him, but instead of him letting them, he was trying to punch them and ended up cutting himself on the toilet chair. He then wouldn't let anyone dress his wound and keep shouting, yelling and trying to punch them.

The more I tried to talk to him the worse he got and the more he wanted to punch someone. He really doesn't care how his reactions affect others or how it makes others think of him. He also doesn't care how upset we get, and most of the time doesn't want to talk about it. It is so hard, no wonder I have put on 15 kilos since November 2006.

Bascially he is angry because he has to live in the nursing home & hates it, that he doesn't get the attention he wants, doesn't get things done when he wants them, thinks the staff hate him, thinks they hide things from him and refers to the nursing home as jail. He also blames my brother and I for putting him being there and then just left him there to rott for the rest of his days. Mind you we visit him every night for at least 2 hours and 3-4 hours per day on weekends. I have another brother who hasn't even been to visit him at all in the nursing home (3 months now) but he can't do anything wrong. My dad even thinks we love the nursing home's cat Bonnie more than we do him.

I am so angry and upset over this and am even in tears as I type this.

I just so wish that he would see things from others point of view and that the whole world doesn't revolve around him.

These days I never get home from visiting him until 8 pm, so I don't get to have dinner before 8.30 p.m., I try to do his washing every night so he always has enough clean clothes to wear. I don't do these things for his thanks, I do them because I want to and its what I need to do right now. Bascially my life has been put on hold since Nov 2006 and he couldn't care less, as long as he gets what he wants when he wants it, that's all that matters to him.

Apart from computer problems at work today, I was having a pretty good day, but it all came crushing down when I went to visit him.

We visit him daily so he doesn't think we have just left him there and don't care but guess what, he thinks that anyway.

All I want to do is eat chocolate, drink lots of bourbon and eat pizza. I can't believe that he is making me feel guilty because I want some sort of a life and will not visit him 3 hours a night (weekdays) and 9 hours a day (weekends) anymore.

I thought typing this would help but no it doesn't make me feel any better. I think I'll just go and have a good cry and might have an early night.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Needless to say that I'm not very happy with myself and my efforts this week.

Work has just been hell and I've really struggled with all aspects of my life this week, i.e. having time to myself, my eating, exercise, visiting my dad, work. In fact the only part of my life that's been good has been drinking at least 1.5 litres of water per day and the fact that despite what bad food I ate this week, I did lose 100 grams. I have been really stressed at work this week and I am so sick of emotionally eating during this time. Why do I do it to myself, its not as if it makes me happy, in fact I feel even worse after it happens, even more depressed and angry with myself.

Now I'm sure if I can answer this billion dollar question I will be able to move forward on this journey.

I'm feeling pretty down about my weight at the moment and about my lack of control over my food and the types of food I eat.

I think I need to take this as a day by day thing and might need to be accountable to you all again.

I do need to also reduce the amount of stress in my life, which means that I need to look for a less stressful job in the finance industry. That is, if one exists. I've worked for this company for 20 years next Friday and would like to continue to work for them, due to the benefits I'm not entitled to but just need to reduce the stress.

Tomorrow is another day and I will take it as it comes.

Sorry just needed to vent and thanks to WBS who reminded me that this is what this journal is all about. Thanks for your support and help, it is really appreciated, even if I don't always take it or say so.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

Day 2 and 3 of Sureslim

Current mood: optimistic

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, was feeling a little emotional and down. Now if that's not a good enough reason to post then I don't know what is.

Need to find my motivation and have something dangling in front of me to keep me on track. Maybe I can use a trip to Adelaide to met my dear online mate Matthew (who mind you is very cute). I so do want to look good for that.

Well day two was hard due to some emotional eating. I so know that I shouldn't go shopping when I feel like this or when I'm hungry but I keep doing it. So instead of the nice stir fry I'd planned for dinner I ended up eating choc fudge ice cream. At least I'm admitting to it.

Day 3 was so much better, stuck to the sureslim plan and even drank my 2 litres of water today. Yes I did end up having the stiry fry for dinner and it was so yummy. I even have enough for another meal. It might just be because I'm back at work and busy trying to see where everything is at.

Now I just have to get motivated to exercise. I have the alarm set for 6 a.m. to go for a hour long walk. Hope I can get up when it goes off.

Carlton

Take One Step at a time.

First Day on Sureslim

Day 1 of Sureslim

Current mood: a little depressed

Ok I've finally decided that I need to do something about my weight before I can't fit into all my clothes.

So I bit the bullett and decided to get out my old sureslim program and start following it again. I must admit that the first time I tried this it was really hard to stick to and very restrictive. However, this time I think it might just work, as a lot has happened in my life since then and as a result I find myself single again and not having to worrry about someone else's meals or the food that they have in the visitors area of Long Bay Jail.

So far so good today, the only thing that I really have to get use to is not eatting for 5 hours in between meals and not eating junk. I'm going to take it as a day by day thing and see how it goes.

Scales were not kind to me this morning when I got on them, but what else could I realistically expect when all I've eaten is junk food and drunk lots of alcohol over the past 8 weeks.

For those who read my myspace page this has also been posted on there too. Not too sure about using the blog on myspace as I've made some really good friends on there (one in particular who happens to me male and really cute) and not sure if I want them to read this kind of stuff about me.

Carlton

Take One Step at a time

Time to Get Serious Again

Ok I've survived my week in Melbourne and have come back feeling like a really fat cat.

Its now time to get serious and lose some weight, if not I will not have anything to wear this winter and can't afford to go out and buy some new clothes. Just need to decide which program I am going to use (once and for all and stick to). Should I go back to weight watchers, use calorie king (which is free), follow the sureslim program I was given this time last year, or follow the CSIRO diet? Decisions, Decisions. I think I will sleep on it and come back to you on this one.

Well that's about all I have at the moment.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Life

Hi everyone, sorry its been so long between posts.

Life has been rather hard over the past few months, we've moved my dad into a nursing home, work has been flat out and David and I have split up (due to him having 2 affairs on me).

I've also spend most of the past few months emotionally eating and have put back on all the weight I had lost this year. I'm going away to Melbourne tomorrow for the F1 and have given myself until I get back to eat what ever and then its time to pull my finger out and get back to eating well, exercising and losing this weight for good.

Oh and a few days ago I decided to cut off most of my hair. It was down near my shoulders and now looks a little like Kai from US TBL (below). Oh and I also dyed it what was meant to be a really dark brown but has come out black. Oh well still looks OK.

This is her picture from her myspace page.

One day when I have my photo taken again, I'll down load a new photo of me, until then you will just have to imagine what it looks like.

Carlton

Take one step at a time.

Weigh In

Ok yesterday was my weigh in day and I forgot to post my results.

Started on 1/1/07 at 105 kilos
Yesterday I weighed in at 102.8 kilos. I lost 2.2 kilos. Very excited for the first weigh in for the year.

Not happy with being over 100 kilos again. I would love to be under 100 kilos by the end of January 2006.


This result has inspired me to increase my exercise this week and remain focused. The past few days I've strugged with junk food a lot.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Goals for this week.

Ok, its now 2007 and I so have to achieve something with my weight this year. CK membership is now free and I've renewed it for a couple of years, which will help me to remain focused and keep on track.

Over the past few weeks I've been tossing up the idea of rejoining weight watchers but have decided that it is really a waste of time and money for me. I don't tend to stick to it and am much happier counting calories via http://www.calorieking.com.au/ which I no longer have to pay for.

I have also decided to involve myself in a few of their 12 week challenges being the body blitz challenge and the sexy ab challenge. As part of the body blitz challenge I have started the couch to 5km run. Links to this can be found at:-

It is explained in full on the Cool Running website http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml

Graham from CK has metric conversions here http://www.cairnscommunications.com/fitness/couch-to-5k.htm

I started day 1 today and it wasn't too bad. I went to the gym and did it on the treadmill but seeing it is summer here and a bit muggy I'd prefer the air conditioning.

As part of the Body Blitz, my goals for this week:-

1. To go to the gym 3 times this week.
2. To wake up at 6 a.m. and to go for an hour walk 3 times this week.

Reward - Buy a new DVD movie.

Or in real terms:-

Monday:- Gym for C25km & ab challenge
Tuesday:- Walk in the morning and ab challenge
Wednesday:- Gym for C25km & ab challenge
Thursday:- Walk in the morning and ab challenge
Friday:- Gym for C25km & ab challenge
Saturday:- Bay Walk with Lynda & ab challenge - 7 km's
Sunday:- CK walk with Sydney CKers (City to Surf route to Bondi Beach) - 14kms & ab challenge.

Normally I would give myself a rest day but I'm on a roll at the moment and love getting together with the CKer's for walking.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Sorry haven't posted for a few days but my excuse is that I've been running around looking for nursing homes for my dad. I am please to say that after looking at some pretty horribles ones out there that I have found a nice one about 5 kms from his place and he moved in there yesterday afternoon. The fun begins now, in deciding what of his cloths and personal belongings that we can take and not take. Hopefully this will be sorted out over the next few days.

Food wise was a bit of a shocker yesterday. I really should learn not to go out shopping at lunchtime when I am hungry, as I always make the wrong food choices. Whilst I ended up having a roast beef subway foot long roll, I also ate way too much chocolate. I was also amazed when I put the sub into CK food diary it has 80grams of carbs. OMG that is huge for long sub!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All but the chocolate was within my calories, fat and carb allowance but still its huge.

I'm finding it a bit hard the past few days to drink my water and have turned a bit too much to diet soft drinks. Will keep working on it. I also find that due to work being very quiet, I'm bored and thinking of food too much. It doesn't matter what kind of food - fruit or junk, its always on my mind and I'm always wanting to eat it. I do have some work to do but am waiting on clients to come back from holidays before I can do it and there is only so much surfing the net one can do. I hope things get back to normal soon.

I've also been looking back at the past 18 months and realised the following has happened in my life:-

1. My mum died - Oct 2005
2. My dad nearly died - Dec 2005
3. My brother died - April 2006
4. Relationship breakup - April 2006
5. Back together July 2006
6. Relationship breakup for good - Aug 2006
7. New relationship started - Oct 2006
8. Dad diagnosed with terminal cancer Dec 2006
9. Dad moved in Nursing Home - Jan 2007

I've also lost no weight during this time, infact as at today I've put on 15 kilos since mum died. I've been yo yo dieting with this 15 kilos for the past 12 months. I so have to get off this merry go round and just get on with it. It is so hard sometimes and I just feel like giving up but I'm not as I'm not happy with myself and how I'm looking.

Well better go and do some work before I go back to the nursing home at lunch to met the doctor and fill in a few more forms.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Start of 2007 Weight Loss Journey

I'm going to use this blog as a bit of a weight loss journey this year. I got the idea from AJ and will use it to help me with the ups and downs of this journey. I just finished reading AJ's book Confessions of a Reformed Dieter again and was inspired by that.

Today 2/1/07 I'm back at work and don't really want to be here. I'm feeling very down, flat and just plain fat. The weather in my part of Sydney isn't helping it has been terrible the past 24 hours. Seems to be improving a bit now but still terrible. I can't believe that I put on 2 kilos over the Christmas new year period. I didn't eat that much crap. Did drink a bit too much and hardly any exercise.

I might have to go to the doctors and have a check up. I also feel so tired and have lack of energy. I'm back using the CK diary at the moment. Its easier to use that then to use a manual diary. So far today food has been good, sticking to what I have entered into the food diary but it is a struggle to not eat junk food and to drink my water.

I just feel like I'm going back wards at the moment. Every time I step on those scales they seem to be going up, up, up. Its starting to get me very down and depressed ...........................

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

2007 Weight Loss Goals

I've been thinking of what I want to achieve in the coming 12 months and my goals for 2007 are:-


1. To get back on track and get all 3 green ticks on CK.
2. To remain focused and ask for help when I slip.
3. To get to my goal weight (even if it takes the whole year and probably will).
4. To drink 3 litres of water a day.
5. To exercise for 1 hour a day (might need to break it up to 2 x 30 min sessions).
6. To complete the sexy abs challenge on CK.
7. To complete the Body Blitz challenge on CK.
8. To blog my weight loss journey and refer back to it when I struggle.
9. To be honest with myself and not beat myself up too much when things don't go to plan.

Given the news yesterday that CK is going to become free to join from 1/1/07 and some of us members being concerned about trolls etc spoilling the site, I have been looking around for alternative sites and come across a site called www.sparkpeople.com. Not sure if i will use this site yet, as I want to keep an open mind about the changes to CK but I did sign up for it. Will check it out today when it is quiet at work.

Next month it will be my 1 year anniversary in blogging and so much has happened. I've been going through my archive bloggs and found the following from January 2006.

Top Ten Benefits of Losing Weight
So, what are the top ten health benefits you can expect after dropping 10 percent of your weight? In no particular order, they are:

10. Better blood pressure
9. Improved heart health and lower cholesterol levels
8. Decreased risk for diabetes /cancer
7. Enhanced sex life
6. A better night’s sleep for those with obstructive sleep apnea
5. Less pain associated with arthritis, joint disease, and lower back pain.
4. Better breathing
3. Less Depressed
2. Spending less on clothes, (as the bigger you are the more they cost cause they use more material)
1. More energy



Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

I HOPE 2007 IS YOUR YEAR

CARLTON

TAKE ONE STEP AT A TIME

Very Exciting News Tonight - Greatest Christmas Present Ever

If you've been reading my blog, you would know that my dad is rather sick (advanced prostate cancer and bone cancer). He has been hospital for the past month and we need to look for a nursing home for him.

Well I had been planning on taking christmas lunch to dad in hospital as I thought that was our only option.

Well tonight when we were visiting him and the nurses & doctors gave us the greatest chrisrmas prsent ever, they told us we can bring dad home for the day if we want to. He gets day release for christmas day. Ya Ya Ya - its very exciting.

Well without even a second thought I told them sure would love to. I am so happy we can now celebrate christmas at home and he can join in. It will not be anything over the top but at least it is at home and not in the hospital. It's the best news my brother and I could ask for and I now can't wait for christmas.

The thought of having to celebrate christmas in the hospital was starting to depress my brother.


Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

Words of Wisdom

I got this from WBS blog and liked it so much, I thought I'd share it in my blog as well.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill,
and a black lace bra..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
One friend who
Always makes her laugh...
And oneWho lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
Eight matching plates,
Wine glasses with stems,
And a recipe for a meal that will
Make her guests feel honored.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
A feeling of control over Her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to fall in love
Without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to quit a Job
Break up with a lover
and confront a friend without ruining the friendship

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
When to try harder...
and
WHEN TO WALK AWAY.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
That she can't change
The length of her calves,
The width of her hips, or
The nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
That her childhood
May not have been
Perfect..but;
Its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she would and wouldn't
Do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
How to live alone...
even if She doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Whom she can trust,
Whom she can't,
And why she shouldn't
Take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
Where to go...
Be it to her best friend's kitchen table..
Or a charming inn in the woods...
When her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
What she can and can't accomplish
In a day...
A month...
And a year...


Carlton
Take One Step at a Time

Update

An update on my dad, the medication they have put him on is helping reduce the symptons and any paid but will never cure him.

We found out a few days again that my dad has to be transferred to a nursing home as he needs 24/7 care. My brother and I can not provide this care and it is way too expensive to hire someone to look after him in his home, so unfortunately the only option we have is to transfer him to a nursing home. I'm not very happy about doing to but have no choice. Dad finally came to terms with it on Tuesday and was very upset about it. Life is so unfair sometimes. I also found out that there is lots of things to consider when finding a good nursing home and lots of paper work that needs to be done. We've got a list of homes within the area my dad's house is and am aiming to get a nursing home for him as close as possible. The search begins.

I'm also starting again next year with my weight loss and need a very big kick in the pants. I've let myself eat crap whilst my dad has been sick in hospital but as things aren't going to change much there, (with him going into a nursing home) my bad and out of control eating has to stop.

I have to take control of my eating and life again and begin to make good food choices and not bad ones. I have to accept that my life has changed in so many ways. Visiting my dad either in a hopsital or nursing home nearly every day is becoming the normal and that I don't just have to eat junk food when I am there.

Sorry to carry on a bit about this but getting it out of my system helps.

I'm off sick again today and hope that everyone has a great day.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time

Dad Update No. 2

Hope everyone is going well. My week is just hit rock bottom. We got some of dad's results back today and its not good. They include:-

1. He can't look after himself i.e. shower himself, get out of bed etc so looks like he will eventually need to go into a nursing home.
2. They have discovered he has advanced prostate cancer and they are 90% sure its gone into his bones.

There is treatment they can give him but will only give him better quality of life. They still need to do more MRI scans and tests but basically there is no cure. We need to see the specialist on Monday to find out more and what we need to do going forward but it is really just a matter of time.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Update on Dad

Thanks everyone for your kind wishs and thoughts.

Just to let you know that we had to rush Dad to hopsital today because he nearly collapsed whilst doing the shopping in Woollies. After spending 9 hours in emergency, dad got admitted and so far they have found he has a urine infection and high temperature. They are still doing more tests to find out why he is having problems walking, talking and generally getting around. Not sure when we will find out what is really wrong with him.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

My Dad

This is a picture of my dad taken in Qld in September 2006 when we went to visit my sister in law.

Dad is currently in remission with non Hopkins lymphoma and has been for about 2 years now. We've noticed the past few weeks his health is deteriorating, his is not eating properly, has trouble getting out of chairs, walking and talking. His talking is getting to the point that even I'm having problems understanding him.

I got some bad news from my brother tonight saying that dad thinks the cancer has come back. I know I shouldn't jump to conclusions until we get some test results, but he has been unwell for a few weeks now and will not let us take him to the doctors or hospital. Yes he is sick but I am hoping it is something can be treated and nothing to serious.

This time last year we nearly lost him with blocked bile ducts in his liver and I'm hoping it is something like that. His biggest problem is that he will only drink fluids when someone is around to fill his glass and that only happens during the day when my brother comes home for lunch.

Dad spend most of today in bed today and has hardly eatten anything. I could tell my brother was very upset when he rang me, you could also tell he was shaking during the phone call and nearly in tears.

My brother and I are going to take him to get tests done tomorrow but I am so upset, worried and concerned about losing him. I know he has been depressed since mum died nearly 14 months ago now and I think when he got sick last year he nearly willed himself to go but didn't in the end cause we needed him. Well we still need him. My relationship with him hasn't been the best over the years but I still need him.

I am so worried, as is my brother. Not sure I'm going to sleep tonight.

Sorry if this sounds all over the place, but my head is all over the place and I'm in tears as I'm typing this.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

OMG - Time to pull my finger out and do it.

I've known for a while that David intended on coming to Australia to met me and see where this relationship is going. Well tonight he told me that he's applied for his visa and that he can get a flight on either 10/12/06 or 21/12/06, depending on me. I will have to see when I can get some more time off work.

Whilst I want to see him asap and have him here asap, Christmas is a busy time for me with parties etc and it would be easier to attend some of these without him and better if he got here on 21/12/06. Just not sure how I can tell him that without upsetting him.

OMG its really happening. Whilst I'm very excited about this, its rather nerve racking as well. I can't believe its actually going to happen.

Its time to get serious about losing some weight before he gets here. I've been cooking out of the Annette Syms cook books for a while now and yesterday I started the 28 day menu planners. My aim was to stick to these until David got here, so I'm going to do that and will need to exercise twice a day.

I don't think I'm going out to see any clients this week, so I should be able to walk to and from work each day.

Carlton
Take one Step at a time.

7 Bridge Walk around Sydney

This is the map of the 7 Bridge Walk I did yesterday with a friend off CK. It turned out to be a 24 km walk and all up I walked 28 km yesterday.

It took us all day to walk it. We started off at the Rocks and the 2nd half of the course was so hard. I didn't realise that Sydney was so hilly especially between Lane Cove and Milsons Point.

We had a great day and was for 4 great charities.

I was so tired and sore last night. Still a bit sore today and it's hard to walk sometimes. Hope this goes away.

I also made by October goal this morning. Very excited about that. Now time to focus on my christmas goal.

I also make an agreement with my CK friend to kick my butt if I don't exercise during the working week. I have to look my best for when David comes to visit. Yes he has agreed to visit me instead of me going to see him. Just need to work out when but the project he is doing in Nigeria will probably decide that.

Carlton

One Step at a time.

Can't believe there is 1 single sweet guy in the world.

Yes as the title suggests I can't believe how sweet David (yes that's his name) is. I got the following email this morning from him, whilst reading it, it is fairly similar to yesterday's one. I think there is only a few lines different.

God must have had you in mind,
When He spread stars in the sky;
For I can see them twinkling,
Every time I look into your eyes.

He must have been thinking of you,
When He made the moon and the sun;
He knew that they would shine down on you,
Like you were the only one.

I know when He made the mountains,
The beautiful flowers and morning dew;
When He looked at the masterpiece of what He'd done,
He had to be thinking of you.

When He created all humanity,
You had to be on His mind;
Looking across all the generations,
He made you one of a kind.

I know when the very first laughter,
Spilled over from Heaven's place;
God knew one day He would hear you laugh too,
And a smile spread across His face.
You had to be on His mind,
When He gave His only one Son;
For He gave him up to die for you,
As if you were his chosen one.

I'm so glad God had you in mind,
Looking down from the Heavens above;
When it was my turn to get that special someone,
And he sent You, for me to love.

Ok David was actually born in USA and migrated to UK about 6 years ago for work. He is currently working on a project in Nigeria and the phone system suxs big time.

Yah I got to speak with David (that's the guys name) last night, but we only got to speak for 3 mins before getting cut off. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Bloody Nigeria and its lack of phone service.He's working in Nigeria at the moment and apparently it took him an hour to get through to me. Very bad service in Nigeria. I so hope we can chat again soon. I've been trying to ring him back but can't get through. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr he sounds so good on the phone, his accent is a mix between American and English.

All up we actually spoke for only 5 mins but it was so cool and good to hear his voice. In the end we went back to chatting via yahoo messenger. Its also cheaper too............

I'm rather excited about life at the moment and it was so great to talk to him on the phone last night, even if it was only for a few mins. I so hate the Nigerian phone system and he is there for at least a month. Its going to drive me insane. We talked about meeting up last night and I think I've talked him into coming to Australia, rather than me going to UK to met him. He sent me another beautiful poem this morning. Can't believe how sweet this man is. I sometime think it is too good to be true.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

Made my morning.

When I checked my emails this morning I woke up to the following email from the man I've been chatting to on the net.

Whenever i miss you, a star falls from the skies;
So if one night you look up into the skies and you found no stars;
Then its all your fault cos you made me miss you toooooooooooo much.
have a pleasant day sweetie

Later during this morning I got the following email

God must have had you in mind,
When He spread stars in the sky;
For I can see them twinkling,
Every time I look into your eyes.

He must have been thinking of you,
When He made the moon and the sun;
He knew that they would shine down on you,
Like you were the only one.

I know when He made the mountains,
The beautiful flowers and morning dew;
When He looked at the masterpiece of what He'd done,
He had to be thinking of you.

When He created all humanity,
You had to be on His mind;
Looking across all the generations,
He made you one of a kind.

I know when the very first laughter,
Spilled over from Heaven's place;
God knew one day He would hear you laugh too,
And a smile spread across His face.

You had to be on His mind,
When He gave His only one Son;
For He gave him up to die for you,
As if you were his chosen one.

I'm so glad God had you in mind,
Looking down from the Heavens above;
When it was my turn to get that special someone,
And he sent You, for me to cherish

Ok the 2nd one is a little too religious for me but I think it was still very sweet of him to send me these.

Some times I think is this guy for real and are there really people out there that are this sweet. but I have to think outside the square of my past and realise that not all people are bad people and there are some nice ones out there.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

New Relationships.

I think I have found myself a potential new man. Only problem is I haven't met him yet and he lives on the other side of the world - UK. So far he is saying all the right things and doing all the right things as well. He travels for work and is in Asia at the moment and continues to make the effort to find a computer and be online for us to chat.

I've even told him about briefly about the stuff that's happened in my life over the past 3 years and he's reply was that makes it more reason for him to take care of me and look after me, physically and emotionally.

From our discussions he is such a sweet guy and has even given me his phone number already. Only problem is that I can't ring ISD from my home phone. If I have time, will ring the phone company and see about getting that changed.

I just can't seem to get enough of him. Not sure where this will all go considering the time differences and distance (half a world away) but we will see.

Sorry just had to share with you all. I actually love all of the attention this guy is giving me, even if it is only on line at this stage.

Yes before you all tell me to be very careful, I have already thought about this and will be very careful. Its not as if I'm about to pack up and move to London to be with this guy I hardly know. Its just exciting getting some positive attention from a guy and getting to know someone new.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

D day has arrived for my Interview.

Well today was D Day, yes it has come around so very fast. I feel like I haven't had enough time to prepare for my interview this afternoon but then again no matter how much I revise my presentation all I want to do is change it.

About 6 p.m. got home from the interview. It was in the city and wasn't until 3.30 p.m. today. I was incredible nervous all day to the point I had problems eating but the closer the time of the interview came the calmer I got. I think the interview went well and I did my best. I'm actually pretty happy with how it all went overall.

There comments were that I did really well and they like the visual aids and the actual power point presentation format that I used. I think I even got a few more brownie points as I had copies of the presentation for them to keep. They said I asked some very good questions and like that I had put in a lot of research and preparation of the interview.

When I asked for feedback and if I had any gaps to work on, all they would say is that I did really well and they will go away and look at the 3 interviews and let us know within 2 days.

The actual job is with the company I already work for, so I will be just an internal transfer. They also told me that they only interviewed 3 people for the role and I actually work with one of them.

I gave it my best shot and if I don't get it I'm happy that I got to the final 3 and I gave it a go. I will find out within the next few days if I got it or not.

The whole experience has made me feel very motivated and that I can do anything I want to.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

October 2006 Goal

My goal for the month of October is to reach double figures for the very last time. Well I weighted in yesterday and I'm getting closer. Just under 1 kilos to go to my goal and 10 days to do it.

I' m very excited about it. I can do it.

Life has been very busy the past week, yet again I'm doing 3 jobs. A few weeks ago I applied for another job with the company I work for and I got an interview. In fact the interview is tomorrow afternoon and will go for 90 Min's. During this interview I have to do a 15 min presentation and spend much of the past week focusing on this and my interview technique. I will be so clad when this interview is over and I can relax a little, well that is until they tell me if I got the job or not.

Well I better go and do some more preparation for this interview. The job I applied for is one that I want to get very much, I have always wanted to get into this type of work but have never had the courage or confidence to apply for the roles.

Carlton
Take One Step at a Time.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr my life the past week.

Work is just grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr at the moment. so much pressure coming from the boss about finding new lending deals its not funny......... As my assistant is on leave and the other manager has had to take leave (both her parents are sick), he expects me to do it all plus go out and find new business........................... To make is worse I am so over this job. I want and need a change......................... The boss is great but has so been on my back the past few weeks, what am an a bloody miracle worker......... With doing 3 jobs again, when do I have the time to find new business........................
Sorry for the whinge but this is just one of the many things going around in my mind at the moment. I do have a job interview on Monday afternoon and because I'm so busy at work, have to prepare for it, including the 15 min presentation I need to do as part of it at home. The interview is expected to go for 90 mins. I so hope I get this job, its a job I have always wanted to do but have either never had the confidence to apply for it or enough experience to do it.

My love life is also grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr exbf still wants to get back together but from what I am seeing it's only for 2 reasons, he wants the sex and in his adult life he has never been single and doesn't like the feeling of being single. For me that's not good enough reasons. I have told him all I am offering is my friendship and see where that takes us. We spoke the other night for a 90 mins regarding life and our relationship and I'm still only prepared to give him friendship. He is coming to Sydney in a few weeks time and it will be the first time I will have seen him since we split up. It will be an interesting but hard time, especially with all of the feelings I still have for him and the sex with him was fantastic. I do miss it but am not prepared to settle for 2nd best. I need to be strong with my decisions about our relationship and not cave in and have sex.

In the meantime last week I met a guy on line who wants to do the friends with benefits thing. Normally I wouldn't do that but he is so cute and its been a while I actually thought about it. We have been emailling each other and things go rather heated. He so wants to met me but the more things go on the more I'm not keen to do the friends with benefits. I think I better be honest with him and tell him this. I also have a few other men wanting to get to know me as well.

When I spoke with exbf the other night I was honest with him and told him about these other guys interested in seeing me etc. I wasn't sure how he would take it and seemed to take things rather well. He even told me to go and have some fun with them but that's not me.

I was so hoping that blogging this would help but not sure that it has. It has given me even more to think about. I'm not enjoying my life at the moment.

Carlton
Take one step at a time.

Light Bulb Moments

Yes I had several light bulb moments tonight and they came during a conversation with exbf.

We were talking about lots of different things including how hard it has been for both of us following the split up, how he misses the sex and just having someone there for him. To a point I too miss this, but not enough to go back to a bad relationship. I told him I could still be there for him but as his friend only.

The conversation went on a bit more and it sounded like he was trying to manipulate the conversation and convince me to get back together. Until a few little while ago, I probably would have jumped at the chance to go back, just so I could say I have a bf and someone in my life. I now know that's not what I want in life. I actually confronted him about this and said that if I didn't know better that he was trying to convince me that we should get back together and he actually said he was. I told him all I was interested in was trying to be his friend and things would need to dramatically change prior to even thinking about anything else. We would need to communicate effectively and try to be friends first and most importantly, there is not going to be any sex between us. I also told him that if he came to visit I would be able to resist him and he would be sleeping in the spare room.

At the end of the day all he wants is sex and he isn't going to get it from me. He has a lot of baggage in his life that needs to be sorted out before he can go into another relationship. Whilst I would like to have someone in my life I'm also not ready for such a commitment either. I have lots of things I need to sort out in my life and about myself.

I have been through a lot of stuff, some good but mostly bad during the past 3 years and feel that I am finally coming out the other side, which is a good feeling in it self. I am also finally discovering that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for and I am no longer going to take 2nd best.

The light bulb moments are:-

1. Standing up for myself and confronting exbf about his manipulation.
2. Telling exbf that we will not be having sex again and that yes I can resist him.
3. That I only want to be his friend, nothing more.
4. I deserve more than what he has to offer.
5. I am a strong person and I have control over my life.

I am very proud with myself on how I handled the discussion. I also came away feeling good about myself and how I handled the conversation.

I even told him some of the things that I want in a partner:-

* Some one who loves me for who I am,
* Doesn't take me for granted,
* Does what he says he is going to do, when he says he is going to do it.
* Makes me laugh and laughs with me (not at me).
* I feel comfortable with and love spending time with.
* Makes me feel loved.
* Someone I can spoil and spoil me.
* Seems like I missed the most important one of all and that's friendship. Would be lost without this one.
* A few common interests.

At this point in time, he can't give me any of this, so I'm not interested in being his girlfriend.

This might not seem like much of a break through, but they are very big steps for me, especially when I do feel vunerable about being single and wanting to have company in my life.

Sorry for carrying on for so long but needed to get a few things off my chest regarding this part of my life. I also appear to be back in the grove and am getting on with my life.

Carlton
Take one Step at Time.

Weight Loss Goals

Hi everyone I thought is was time I updated you all on my latest weight loss goals. I haven't meantioned losing weight for a while and you all probably thought I'd given up on it. Well I haven't.

My first goal is to get to double digits again by the end of October 2006.
This time its going to be for good. Yes I have been in double digits twice during this journey but due to stress etc I've found by self back in triple digits. Well enough is enough and its time for them to go. The good news is I am getting closer to double digits and am only 2.3 kilos away.

My 2nd goal is to be under 90 kilos by the end of 2006. This will be a bit of a stretch but if I stay focused and exercise everyday I can do it.

Some of you know that I had a car accident early September and there was $7500 damage to it. Well I thought I'd post some photos for you to see. The good news is that the car is all fixed now and looks brand new.


This is one of the photos.








This is from the other angle.







As the accident happened on a Saturday morning it took them just over a week to fix the car. Which I thought was pretty good.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR - CATS

The Grrrrrrrrrrrrr is aimed at Zelda (pictured here). I spend most of yesterday trying to occupy my dad, my brother and myself as it was the anniversary of mum's death.

Well I got home a lot later than I thought I would and the cats didn't like it. When I was feeding the cats and cleaning up the kitty litter mess, Zelda decided that she had to pee on the carpet next to one of my audio stands. That alone would have made me mad but she also had to pee on my Italian leather handbag, some F1 merchandise I haven't gotten framed yet (now it smells of cat pee) and right on the power board. The only way I knew was I heard this hissing or sizzling noise and went to investigate. When I did I saw smoke coming out of it and the sizzling of liquid.

I am so angry with her, she hasn't had much to do with me since. I keep thinking that if this had happened when I wasn't home then it could have turned ugly and started a fire.

Sorry just had to whinge about this and get it out of my system.

Carlton
Take One Step at a time.

1st Anniversary

Today is a special day, its the first anniversary of my mum's death. I can't believe 12 months has past, it has gone so fast.

It seems like only a few months ago that we spend the weekend in the hospital very sadly watching her die and not being able to do anything about it.

The picture here is my mum on her wedding day - 14/11/54. As this is such a lovely dress and picture, I thought I'd share it will you all.

Whilst I have spend the past 12 months mourning my mum and been going through so tough times, today is the day that I have to start living again.

Mum would want me to live again and would probably be a little disappointed with my reaction over the past 12 months. But what is done is done. My mum was such a special person who I could talk to about anything and would not judge me too much. She would just listen and then try to help me out. She would also do anything for me and go without if I needed something.

From today on it's time to look after myself and life life again. I will never forget my mum and I hope that the pain of losing her will start to subside a little.

I'm off shortly to the cemetery and visit her cremation plot.

Carlton
Take one step at a time.

Yes I'm still around

Sorry guys I am still around and sorry for not posting for a while. Just realised it's been a month. Didn't realise it was that long.

To be honest my mind hasn't been in the right place to blogg. Sorry about that. My break up with exbf has taken its toll on me more emotionally, than I thought it would. We spoke on the phone tonite for the first time since we split and it was hard. Very emotional for me, I spend some of the time crying and I actually felt worse than when we started. I'm thinking that it was too soon for us to actually talk on the phone. We have been sending the odd text message and that I can handle but can't seem to handle talking to him just yet. Wonder if I ever will.

One thing I found good with our talking was that it took him about 45 mins into the conversation for him to say something that annoyed me and that he is having a hard time getting over the relationship as well.

I'm still feeling pretty down about my life at the moment and feeling rather down.

My weight has gone up and down a few kilos since the break up and its starting to annoy me. I'm feeling very fat at the moment.

Well better go and get some sleep so I can get up early tomorrow and walk to work.

Carlton
Take one Step at a time.